I can see myself, in just a few years, listening to my kid and her friends in the next room: “No, I wanna be the Douchebag Marketing Major With The Rich Daddy!”
So the board game gurus at Hasbro are trying to re-energize sales of the company’s crowning glory, Monopoly. Sensing that Americans aren’t exactly clamoring to pretend to lose money as we attempt to claw our way out of the Great Recession, they knew they needed a gimmick. They settled on, “Buy our game or the dog gets it.”
The “Save Your Token” campaign asks the public to vote to retire the race car, iron, Scottie dog, wheelbarrow, shoe, top hat, thimble, or battleship. My initial reaction was, of course, When did they add a freakin’ battleship? But my second thought was, Why don’t they retire all the tokens and start with a clean slate?
I mean, as much as I loved the bloodsport of claiming the doggie from my siblings, none of the Monopoly tokens have Thing One to do with the object of the game: to build shit on other people’s properties and take all their hard-won pageant earnings just so you don’t have to walk through a bad purple neighborhood to find a decent hotel. Why not introduce a new, relevant, honest token line-up?
- A Clock - Because playing Monopoly is an enormous time commitment that you will soon regret.
- A Douchebag With A Sweater Tied Around His Shoulders Who Thinks He Earned His Station In Life – You could give him a teensy can of Red Bull and a wee Esquire to carry around.
- A Fifth of Whiskey – Did I mention it’s a really long game?
- A Calculator – When was the last time you tried to coax accounting skills out of a five-year-old who insists on being The Banker?
- A Bernie Madoff – The man can WORK a top hat.
- A Tiny Hardbound Book Titled How To Gentrify Your Friends And Displace People – Every other Chance card could say, “Congratulations! The Starbucks you just built on top of the orphanage just went Fair Trade! Collect $500.”
- A Toy Robot Cat Wearing A Diamond Ring And Playing The Guitar – I don’t want to totally overlook the menu of options for the new token suggested by Hasbro, so I offer, for their approval, this badass hybrid. It’s like a YouTube wet dream.
The vote is running on Hasbro’s Monopoly facebook page through February 5, with a new edition expected this summer. So, join me won’t you and raise your voice for a more honest [guitar-playing-cat-filled, booze-y] Monopoly for the 21st Century?