LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMBBBBLLLLE! Sean Lowe is back for what will obviously be the! most! exciting! season! of! The Bachelor.
And while we get to sit back and watch gratuitous shots of Sean’s nipples while he flexes his shirtless muscles, we reminisce about how he fell in love with Emily Maynard on The Bachelorette right before she sent him packing into The Limo Of Shame. Poor broken-hearted and vulnerable (yet shirtless! Always shirtless!), Sean is here to find his real true love—just like all other bachelors before him.
To the recap!
Call the wahmbulence! Emily doesn’t love me!
Fellow Bachelorette loser Arie Luyendyk shows up at Sean’s new digs and after he and Sean get through their conversation using only the word dude and sharing a beer, they get down to the real reason for Arie’s visit—to teach Sean how to kiss. I’m not even kidding about this. He shares pointers for where Sean should put his hands (in her hair! on the side of her face!) and how much tongue he should or should not be using. Seriously, though, Arie’s completely useless advice was mildly amusing, especially when he dropped the “that’s not what you said in the fantasy suite last night” while pretending to be one of Sean’s many, many ladies.
I will now run my fingers through your hair, you sexy beast.
Right-o.
Let’s meet the ladies – the Leslies and the Ashleys (and AshLees) and hair stylists and tanorexics and Kacie B. from Ben’s season (who wanted special permission to take a stab at Sean, since things didn’t work out with Ben) and the women who are about to try way, way too hard. All are already giddy to meet and spend time with the hunky family man Sean Lowe! (Hunky? Really? Are we seriously saying ‘hunky’ now?)
I do believe this will be the season of the “family man” drinking game (as opposed to the classic “fairy tale” and “journey” editions). If you are playing at home, you will have taken at least 3 shots at this point in the program.
AshLee is a professional organizer (it’s really a thing, you all) and is kind of adorable, Jackie leaves a lipstick kiss on embarrassed Sean’s cheek, but have no fear because boobie Selma comes to his rescue with the tissue that she just happens to be hiding in her cleavage. Overbaked Kelly sings a Nashville song that she wrote just for Sean. Of course she does, because there’s absolutely nothing uncomfortable or awkward about being sung to.
Ashley (different spelling! PAY ATTENTION!) has read far too much 50 Shades of Grey and legitimately believes that Christian Grey is a real person and because she is a crazy person, she brings along a tie with her for some…what?…kinky sex at the cocktail party? Ashley proceeds to get extremely drunk (there’s always—at least—one), and entertains herself by dancing with herself and confessing that her mother has taken to calling Sean her son-in-law. There is nothing not uncomfortable about poor Ashley.
I am so scared of Ashley and her red room of pain right now.
Someone else calls Sean a ‘hunk.’ And a’ family man.’
Take a shot.
Robyn messes up her floor routine and Sean tries to be sweet and make her not feel like a total jackass for messing up her floor routine. Or, you know, for even doing a floor routine. Tierra gives off a slight brunette Britney Spears vibe but Sean digs the heck out of her and starts changing all of The Bachelor rules and leaves her standing outside to go get her a rose. Rebel!
Did I do something wrong? Do I smell? Am I going home?
And then comes the anarchy. “Did she come with that?” someone asks about the rose, followed by 11 million more questions about why Tierra has a rose before the first-impression rose. Those aren’t the rules, Chris Harrison! And then, wouldn’t you know, Sean gives Desiree—the adorable one who brought pennies for them to make wishes on and throw into the fountain—a rose. And then he gives someone else a rose. And then someone else a rose.
Cue the panic! Hysteria! More drinking! Paranoia!
Poor Lindsay—who came in a wedding dress—wishes that she was a little bit more sober because she basically blew all of her one-on-one time with Sean because he apparently didn’t get that the wedding dress was only a joke, and a not special kind of crazy.
Sarah was born with only one usable arm and she’s completely adorable and brings it right up with Sean and admits that she’s open to talking about it and considers herself different and unique (and totally awesome) but not at all disabled. She gets a rose and a giant smile on her face.
Fifteen lucky ladies receive their roses before the rose ceremony, and then Sean hands out seven more to leftover ladies who try their damndest to make last-minute eye contact with their shot at true love. Several ladies take the walk of shame, having been eliminated before the show even began, including the singer (of course) and the one in the pageant dress who has trouble pronouncing the name Sean.
Next week we get to see the hijinks with the ladies who all received roses. Expect bitchiness, someone who can’t bake, someone who has a boyfriend, someone who is there for the rose and not for Sean, someone who thinks Sean needs to know that someone is there for the rose and not for Sean, and at least one paramedic situation.
I for one can’t wait.
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