It’s only week two of The Bachelor, and ladies are already “falling in love” with Sean Lowe, “here for the wrong reasons,” or “not here to make friends.” But one thing’s for damn sure: ALL of them are looking to spend time in the hot tub with “hunky” Sean.
(Ladies, stop trying to make ‘hunky’ happen. For real.)
Let the over-the-top dramafest begin!
Because there’s absolutely nothing gratuitous about The Bachelor, Sean shows up for the very first date of the season in a helicopter, and the bachelorettes pretend as if they have never watched this show before.
“WHAT IS THIS HELICOPTER CONTRAPTION YOU SPEAK OF?! Doesn’t Sean just have a car?”
Sean grabs date Sarah at the waist and they fall 35 stories down the side of the building. It’s a metaphor. Get it?!? Falling = falling in love. They are so clever at ABC! But it turns out that this heroic feat isn’t just about love, it’s a test for just how manly Sean can be. Poor Sarah shares a sob story about how she once tried to go ziplining with her dad and was told that she couldn’t because she was disabled. But now here’s her second chance to prove that even though she’s different, she’s completely able.
I was all over the two of them—Sarah’s slow-talking tendencies and all—until Sean made a point of proving (with his lips) that none of this is about Sarah’s arm and that it’s all about guarding and protecting her heart (TM Kasey Kahl). After the ensuing makeout session, Sarah says that she’s falling in love with Sean.
We might just have us a stage-one clinger on our hands, folks.
Then it’s group date time—which of course means that no one is happy, no matter what their limo toast might lead you to believe.
Shirtless Sean is Prince Charming-ready for the 13-person group date—Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M, Daniella, Catherine, Robin, Katie, Selma, Diana, Kacie, Taryn and Tierra. It’s a Harlequin cover shoot at – oh!my!god! – a real castle! Kristy the midwestern model is giddy with excitement since, you know, this is her job. She claims to be a woman of her word and like a boss, wins herself a three-cover Harlequin deal. (Sean who?)
Nobody cares at all, because the cowgirls and vampires and historical figures are way too emotionally invested in painting Tierra as this season’s villian. “Tacky hoes are a dime a dozen,” as the makeup artist for the shoot sagely notes.
After the shoot everyone scrambles for one-on-one time with Prince Charming, except for Katie and her Moonstruck Cher hair, who does us all a favor and sends herself home. Her dignity *can* be saved! Her hair, however, cannot.
Catherine the dirty, dirty bird, claims to be a vegan who, um, “loves the beef.” Sean doesn’t get it. In some one-on-one time, Selma pleads with Sean to keep using the word wife, and we are only mildly frightened by this. (Okay, maybe more than mildly.)
Kacie B gets a rose, which means she can finally stop reminding us that she’s on this show for the second time. (All together now: SHUT UP, KACIE B!)
Desiree gets the next one-on-one date card. And while Sarah gots herself a super fun wall-dropping adventure and helicopter ride and the group date ladies got to dress up and star in their very own Harlequin photoshoot, sweet, twee Desiree gets…Punk’d at fake art gallery? Where is your sense of justice, producers?!?
Ushered to the fake gallery by Sean, Desiree smiles and nods her head all “oh, this is interesting!” at the terrible fake art, which loosely translates to “this is, by far, the dullest first date I have even been on.” Then she’s strategically left in the gallery’s storeroom alone, and lo, the ugliest piece of “expensive” non-art comes crashing to the floor. She purses her Joey Potter lips as a homeless man the artist barges in and begins shouting profanities in her direction, blaming her for the piece’s destruction.
Best first date ever!!
But have no fear, sweet Des, it’s merely an un-funny joke that Chris Harrison believes to only be “a little messed up.” HOW ROMANTIC! Ashton Kutcher Sean comes back into the room to let her know that all of those horrible actors in the gallery – homeless man artist included – were, indeed, just terrible actors, and that he’s going to make it up to her by taking her to his house for shirtless Sean dinner and to show her “all sides of him.” (ORLY, Sean? How many “sides” are we talking about, exactly?)
Hey, you know what’s really funny Sean? Being really mean to someone you want to sleep with!! Hahahah!
I actually really like Desiree, but the red flag of her saying “this is so comfortable” during their date leads me to believe that she will not be the last one standing in a few short weeks from now.
Then it’s cocktail party time, and everyone’s scrambling for facetime with Sean — especially Lindsay, who wants to make damn sure that Sean forgets about her first-impression wedding dress, by dressing like…Cruella De Vil? Huh. Yeah, that’ll work!
And it seems those crafty producers initally wanted us to believe that Tierra was this season’s Courtney crazy girl that everyone hates, but then out of nowhere comes Amanda with her weird, pouty, COMPLETELY CREEPY non-responsive face.
“Hey Amanda, how are you doing?”
“THERE IS NO AMANDA, ONLY ZUEL!”
“I am not here to make friends or answer your questions. I will kill you while you sleep.”
The ding, ding, ding of the Rose Ceremony-heralding champagne glass means the women are about to squirm in their too-tight cocktail dresses while they wait impatiently for their chance at moving forward in the competition, and to true love, with hunky Sean. (HUNKY, DAMMIT!)
Forget McKayla Maroney..it’s Daniella who is really not impressed.
While Kacie, Desiree and Sarah hang onto their roses for dear life, AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella and Amanda (Eep!) all get roses and smug, smug smiles.
Diana, the single mom, and Brooke, who is memorable for exactly nothing, take the Bachelor walk of shame, leaving us with parting words about never being able to find love. (*sob*)
While the credits roll, we get a tiny glimpse into the very best drunken conversation in Bachelor history:
“What’s the name of that world, like, under the water?” Danielle asks.
“Greek mythology,” answers Leslie.
And this is where it gets interesting, as the ladies spiral out into a confusing-for-everyone-involved Chardonnay-tinged conversation about Hades and Atlantis and about Danielle possibly needing her own spin-off show.
Next week we get to see more of scary Amanda and we get to find out what the Tierra-in-the-ambulance situation is all about. Who’s excited?!?!
About Ali Martell
