WOO HOO BACHELOR RECAP TIMEZ!!!!!!!!!! HERE WE GO!!!!
Tonight, on “Snore-zilla And His Hoes” Sean Lowe is a slave to crazy Tierra and it’s going to be AWESOME. Plus? ROLLER DERBY.
Chris Harrison, the love of my life, really needs to have a discussion with his stylist, that discussion being “Stop buying me clothes from Sears.”
Selma, who got punked last week, gets the one-on-one. Everyone cries and drinks. Selma trots off with Snore-zilla and all the other bitches give her the stink eye. It’s pretty awesome. It’s a private jet and The Snooze is being coy about where they are going. Shut up, Snooze.
Hey, it’s an IM from my mom! “Spending the flight with his hand on his crotch. Classy.” Y’all, she wants my job.
Commercials!!!!! I love you, commercials. And John Stamos? I will eat ALL THE YOGURT IN THE UNIVERSE if you come to my house. The door is unlocked.
We’re in the desert, and Selma is PISSED. She doesn’t do heat well, and girl, I hear you. I sweat like a pig, and it is not pretty. She can only think about rampant serpents. Word, Selma. She is so miserable it’s palpable. She wants to barf, and tells us as much. My cats flee in terror. She does amazing on the rock climb and Snooze is shocked because a GIRL did something other than sit in a hot tub and have herpes. Selma is proud of herself and as well she should. I love that she openly hated every moment of this.
Commercials. Hipsters with smartphones. If I wasn’t a pacifist, I’d Elvis my television right now. Pew pew pew!!!
Selma and The Snooze go to dinner. It’s a trailer. There are plastic flamingos. Selma is “happy” and no one buys it, including my cats, who have popped up tiny umbrellas now that Selma and The Snooze are snuggling. They are ready for the vomit, and I am starting to dry heave.
GROUP DATE CARD!!!! Tierra is going, along with my girl Robyn, and Tierra goes CRAY. Her Manson Lamps are out of control. I love her.
Selma is from Iraq and was raised Muslim, so she ain’t kissing The Snooze. My mom IMs me and says “just feel her up, no need for kissing” and I die laughing. Y’all, my mom is hilarious. The Snooze is totally sporting wood because Selma is playing hard to get, so everyone is happy.
Sweet sweet commercials. New mascara. Rocket Volume from Maybelline. I am there. Y’all know I’m a mascara whore.
Group. People I don’t care about talk about how excited they are. The Snooze shows the skeezes that they’re doing roller derby. AWESOME. My Derby name is Asphyxia Bronte, so no stealing. That shit is MINE. No one can even stand on skates. Didn’t they all go to birthday parties at roller rinks when they were kids? Oh shit, they’re too young for that. Now I’m depressed. Sarah with one arm is worried that she can’t do this. Yes you can, Sarah!!!! Come on, girl!!!! She cries. Drink. Sarah gets up and does it. YAY!!!!
Amanda faceplants. Who’s Amanda? We don’t care, but her face is broken. Oy with the head injuries this season! Off to commercials. Am I the last person in the world who still watches Grey’s Anatomy? Yes? Let’s carry on.
The Snooze, who is used to massive head injuries by now, is worried. Amanda gets carried off to the hospital and The Snooze decides to call off the competition and just have a roller skating party. Let’s be real, that was a producer decision. Producers and legal team. WE’RE NOT NEW HERE, BACHELOR. Everyone takes off their derby uniforms and starts drinking. Thank the LORDO. Now we’re getting started.
Everyone is sloppy drunk. The Snooze is very impressed with Sarah With One Arm. She gushes about him. and my cats don their slickers as I vomit all over them. Amanda the Head Injury Of The Week reappears, to the dismay of everyone. She’s going to milk the sympathy card proudly. The Snooze kisses her injured chin and she’s wicked pissed that this is all she gets.
Lesley H (who?) gets the one on one, along with diamond earrings. She shrieks that it’s just like “Pretty Woman” and have we all forgotten that movie is about a hooker?
Sloppy Drunk Grotto: Batshit insane Tierra goes crazier than possible and flips out, saying all the chicks are whores, and she is ready to leave. She is also not wearing pants. NO PANTS WHATSOEVER. She wails to The Snooze, who is of course very polite, but gross at the same time, because he’s all “you like me” and grins. I vomit on all three cats before they get their umbrellas up. The Snooze GIVES CRAZY TIERRA THE ROSE. Oh Sean. You are the stupidest man alive. All the other chicks know EXACTLY what just happened and roll their eyes into their brain stems. As well they should.
My beloved commercials. There’s a spot for aspirin and my mom IMs me that she’s going to need some to get through this damn show.
Date time for Leslie and her incredible diamond earrings. Have I mentioned Leslie is a woman of color and she’s not the only one on this season? Oh Bachelor. You’re growing up!!!! The Snooze is wearing Harrison’s ill-advised vest from last week, and he looks fucking ridiculous. They go shopping on Rodeo Drive. Leslie gets a dress, shoes, and a purse. She’s beside herself, and keeps dropping the “Pretty Woman” card. IT’S ABOUT A HOOKER, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!! She also gets an INSANE necklace, 120 carats of diamonds, y’all. She ain’t keeping that. ABC isn’t paying for that.
Divine commercials. Some sportsball guy has a computer in his car. My car has a tape deck.
Aaaaaaaand we’re back. Leslie and The Snooze are having dinner at some gorgeous place. Leslie doesn’t open up much. She struggles with her history. Stop playing with your hair, honey. There’s no spark, which sucks, because Leslie is kind of awesome. Snooze dumps her. It’s sad, but at least she gets FIERCE earrings. Leslie gets thrown into the Van of Despair, never to be seen again.
This. Show. Is. So. Long. I’ve finished War and Peace, Les Miserables, and The Stand, and we still have another half hour.
The Snooze blathers stupidly to the remaining skanks. MY GIRL ROBYN!!!!!!! She gets some airtime. They make out after some dirty “do you want some chocolate” talk. The other hoes whine and bitch and moan. Tierra’s boobs are EVERYWHERE, and if she’s 24, I’m the queen of freaking England. Even though she has a rose, she insists on being batshit, and goes nuts on everyone in the disguise of apology. Riiiiiiiiiight.
Blessed commercials. In case you forgot, every kiss begins with Kay. So does “killing spree”
Blah blah blah. Everyone hates batshit Tierra. SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE. The Snooze calls her crazy again. He loves her. Because he lacks a frontal lobe.
Catherine (who?) finally gets a kiss, because Sean has finally reached puberty. Tierra’s Manson Lamps are at FULL POWER. She’s going to get what she wants no matter what.
Commercials. KY lubricant and an anti-depressant. How incredibly appropriate.
HARRISON!!!! swoops in from a donut and a gin and tonic at craft services. It’s finally time. Roses: Catherine. Desiree. (WHO???) Lindsay. Leslie Who We Don’t Know Anything About Cause She’s Not The Leslie We Like, MY GIRL ROBYN!!!! Ashley. Sarah With One Arm. Jackie. I have no idea who she is. Daniella who we know nothing about EITHER. Amanda and her massive head injury is gone. She blathers. Absolutely no one cares. That’s what you get for faceplanting and being crafty about the sympathy vote, honey. Bye bye!
Next week. TWO EPISODES?????????? Someone shoot me in the face. Please.