LET’S DO THIS THING.
Sean Lowe, aka the Snooze, works out shirtless. Because of course he does. Thankfully, ENTER CHRIS HARRISON. Oh Harrison. You complete me. First date card. Leslie M gets the date. Everyone is pissed off. This is going to take their “relationship” to the next level. Oh freaking drink. Robyn, who I’m a little in love with, calls everyone else bitches. ALREADY. I adore her.
Leslie, who should really be in a car seat, trots off to Hollywood with The Snooze. They do tourist crap. Guinness World Records museum is the destination (drink) and the big shocker is that they’re going to set a record. For kissing onscreen. I throw up on my cat, who is frankly pretty used to this by now, and Harrison, wearing an ill-advised vest, revs up the crowd. The Snooze pops his very first woody ever, and we go to commercial.
Y’all. Remember The Douchelor? This poor Sean kid is so nice it kinda hurts to rip on him, but I WILL because he is a self professed BORN AGAIN VIRGIN, which is enough for me to destroy his soul for the whole season. Because I am neither a born again virgin nor a nice person.
Back to the festivities! Snooze and Leslie are going to kiss for 3 minutes 16 seconds. I really hope there are breath strips involved. The lip-smacking begins. I vomit on the cat again. Leslie interviews that it’s passionate. It is not. I’m watching a junior high dance situation. Harrison and his vest keep time. This Does. Not. End. Did I mention that Leslie is wearing a number out of My Former Roommate The Stripper’s ensemble? And there are no pants involved?
You guys. This is the worst kiss ever. Snooze looks like he’d rather be in a prison camp than here, and Leslie, well…She’s just a mess in a stripper dress. They break the record. Exactly no one cares. Commercials. THANK FREAKING GOD, because I need to wash this cat.
We’re back. Snooze blathers blandly about Leslie. I hate her intensely from now on because she states that she LOVED HIGH SCHOOL. I’m sorry, WHAT? Then she has the GALL to say that she loved high school and was also a nerd. Leslie? You know nothing about being a nerd in high school, because if you DID, you wouldn’t be on The Bachelor, you’d be in intensive therapy like the rest of us real nerds. Oh freaking whatever, they chastely kiss again.
Date card! It’s a group date, and a ton of these bitches are going. AshLee (and there are human beings in this world who decided to spell their child’s name this way, which makes me weep and vomit on another cat) is scowly. Oh wait, we’re back on the Guinness World Record Worst Date Ever, and Leslie gets a rose. She and the Snooze continue to blather about feelings and relationships and fate, and just pour yourself another glass of grain alcohol, because this is just painful. Blessed blessed commercials.
The antithesis of The Snooze is back on television Tuesday, guys. Anthony. Motherfreaking. Bourdain. Hands off, he’s MINE.
Thank the lordo, here’s Harrison, wearing a dress shirt on the beach and thankfully not the vest (I love him so much) and announces that a game of beach volleyball will end with the losing team going back to the house and the winning team spending “quality time” with Snooze. Can both teams lose? Because I’ve got shit to do today that does not involve recapping idiot women playing fucking volleyball in bikinis. Which they do. And I refuse to talk about it, because it’s as boring and inane as you’d expect.
I love commercials during this show. It’s like a big comforting hug in a world of pain.
The winning team goes to Snooze’s grotto, and the losing team pouts back to the House of Herpes. Everyone sulks and cries and drinks. Lindsay is wearing a necklace so big it makes me think Thor should be sporting it.
Okay, we have a montage of chicks talking about how amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Snooze is, and that’s stupid and boring, so let’s talk how he’s about as attractive and charismatic as a jar of mayonnaise. Because he is. I look at this guy and my sex drive drops to negative one million.
Date card! Selma gets punked into thinking she’s going. Guys, these chicks are MESSY DRUNK and it probably isn’t even noon.
More crap at the grotto. There’s no hot tub yet, so we don’t care. Crazy Kacie from Benny’s season causes drama by talking shit about other chicks to Snooze, and he’s so dim you can actually see the moths fluttering around in his empty head. This scene goes on for. Freaking. Ever, but Snooze actually calls Kacie crazy, so that was pretty awesome.
Rose time! And it goes to Lindsay. Kacie cries and flips out because she’s insane. Everyone drinks heavily. Do these girls ever get carbs to soak up all the booze? I doubt it. Well played, ABC!!!!
AshLee has a date and a powerful childhood backstory she’s SO ready to tell, but we don’t care because Tierra just fell down the stairs and bonked her head. Snooze says he’s worried because he’s had several concussions, and OMG THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
Tierra gets belligerent when the paramedics come, because you shouldn’t be disastrously drunk before 10 AM. The more you know! *RAINBOW* Anyway, she refuses medical care, and everyone says she’s completely insane and evil, which she is, so I hope she sticks around for the whole season.
Commercials. Nigella Lawson is the most beautiful woman ever.
Four hundred years later, AshLee and her horribly spelled name finally gets her date at Six Flags. And then there are chronically ill children and a painfully emotional adoption story and shockingly enough I DO have a heart, so I can’t make fun of any of that, so let’s hit Fast Forward. BEEP BOOP. AshLee OBVIOUSLY gets a rose. Some random band plays and I’m officially calling AshLee and her questionable spelling for the finale. I also love her because she drops “JOURNEY” and we all know what that means, don’t we? Yes we do.
It is FINALLY TIME FOR THE BLOODY ROSE CEREMONY and everyone’s drunk and pissy. As they should be. Sarah gets a visit from her DOG, which is adorable. Well played, producers. Tierra is still evil and crazy, more so with a head injury, so that’s pretty much the best thing ever. My girl Robyn makes a well-needed appearance to give Tierra the stink-eye and I love her. Desiree actually believes Snooze is into her, which is hilarious, and WHAT IS CRAZY KACIE WEARING? A tennis outfit? Snooze calls her crazy again, and the heavens open and Chris Harrison appears. This show is longer than “War and Peace.”
Snooze locates a brain cell before the roses are doled out and boots Crazy Kacie before she boils his bunny. Court papers are pending.
Roses: Evil Tierra with the concussion. Leslie H. Catherine. Daniella. (WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?) My girl Robyn, yaaaaay! Selma who got punked. Sarah with the dog. Jackie. Amanda.
In swoops Harrison fresh off a martini and a bear claw at craft services. Final rose. Desiree. That means Taryn and Kristy, who we know nothing about and care about even less, are out.
Next week? ROLLER DERBY!!!!!!!!!
Y’all, it’s so good to be back. Love you more than my luggage.