You know what we don’t judge enough? Other people’s parenting. In efforts to remedy this situation (I’m a giver), I busied my young son with a wood-burning kit near the new polyester drapes and gave my teenage daughter some gas money and a tube top before sitting down to do some internet research on what makes a good parent.
Every year over 133 million babies are born into the world. Of that number, approximately 100 million are to Hollywood celebrities (or so it seems). Of that number, it’s estimated that around six go to homes where they wouldn’t consider selling a kidney in exchange for escape. Yes, some celebabies are luckier than others, and this has nothing to do with the carat or clarity of the diamonds on the soles of their shoes.
Honestly, it would have been a lot easier to write a “Worst Celebrity Parents” piece, but I love a challenge. So here are some unlikely “good” celebrity parents:
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne
The Osbournes first came into our collective consciousness in 2002 with their MTV reality show, creatively titled The Osbournes. Daughter Amy opted out of appearing on-screen, which immediately made me like this family. And by all accounts her parents didn’t even try to shame or bribe her into participating, which actually kinda sucks because that would have made for awesome television.
While having Ozzy Osbourne as a father must have been difficult at times (Can you imagine the playground taunts? “A tisket, a tasket, your DAD BIT THE HEAD OFF A FUCKING BAT!“), he and Sharon seem to make choices which are ultimately best for their kids. And now they’re the coolest grandparents on the block, since baby Pearl arrived to their son Jack and his wife in April 2012. (Sure, my Grandpa told me stories about how he was a prisoner of war and worked as a tail-gunner for the Royal Air Force in WWII, but even he never BIT THE HEAD OFF A FUCKING BAT.)
Pink and Corey Hart
Remember when you were eight and you wanted BBQ so bad, but your parents weren’t home, and you didn’t know how to even work the toaster? So you and your 6 year old sister just soaked a frozen slab of something from the freezer in gasoline and lit in on fire on a pile of bricks in the backyard which invariably led to a small grass fire which you put out with the garden hose but only after eating the petroleum soaked charred piece of meat? Remember that?
That’s the kind of thing I imagine Pink wouldn’t be too upset about if she was your mother. She and husband Carey Hart appear to be pretty laid back parents, but with a Pinkish ferocity. Pink has said of parenting, “You hear people say it all the time, how life changes so drastically, but you can’t possibly grasp how beautiful that is until you have your child.”
See? She totally wouldn’t give you a six-week silent treatment after the whole “lawn fire incident.”
Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick
Say what you will about the Kardashian clan. I mean sure; they’re spoiled, vapid, quasi-fictional talentless slaves to materialism, but they do seem to love that about one another. I haven’t been in the same room with more than two members of my own family without someone wearing a robe and banging a gavel, so in many ways this family has their shit together. Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick in particular seem to have this parenting thing down. Bonus: their kids are cuter than a puddle of kittens in mittens.
In a family where extreme excess is never enough and fame is revered, Kourtney appears to be a level-headed mother, limiting her kids screen time and sugar intake. On a recent episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashian’s, Kourtney gave Mason only one bite of a cupcake, because of all the sugar. ONE BITE. And she didn’t then stuff the whole thing in her own mouth when he wasn’t looking! See? GOOD MOMMY.
Larry Birkhead is like the old man you see at the grocery store wearing a decent quality flannel coat and good shoes, but he’s got a cart full of Stouffer’s single size frozen meatloaf entrees and he smells like sadness and old Tupperware. His aura is just…melancholy at best. Danielynn is the sunshine of this dude’s existence and if you don’t believe that then I don’t know how to even talk to people like you.
And sure, Larry brought her out for a Guess photo campaign. And yes, he grants interviews each year with major tabloid rags about Dannielynn’s annual “progress.” At least he’s proud of her. At least he’ll have nice childhood photographs. At least he’s providing for her future.
So he’s the “at least” guy in the list. At least he’s on it.
Jessica Simpson And Whoever That Dude Is She’s Married To.
Yes, I know that her first baby is still just that – a baby – and that this is the easy part. Maybe we’ll revisit her position on the list when she’s got two kids under five and they’re both crying and the cable’s out and there’s no candy to bribe them with and it’s raining and OMG DID THE HOUSE-WOMAN NOT BUY ANY VODKA IT WAS ON THE GODDAMN LIST.
But you gotta love that Jessica gave the big ole procreative middle finger to the folks at Weight Watchers and the fat-shaming general public to build her family.
By all accounts Kevin Federline can appear a trifle douchey, and his brother is nothing to brag about either, but let’s rise above mere appearances, shall we? Kevin Federline was awarded sole custody of his two sons with Britney Spears in 2008 when Brit had some issues she needed to take care of in order to remain living and sane and some such. So Kevin makes it onto our list for not being a dick about it. He had those kids, cared for them, and when it came time for Brit to have more access to them, he complied.
Willingly. Without rancor. Without a fight. Without a lawsuit. Without drama. Without dragging her through the mud, taking his kids and any shred of dignity he had left after Celebrity Fit Club with him. Kudos, sir.
So, who’d we miss? Who else makes an unlikely good celebrity parent?