Beware, citizens! A lion has escaped from the Virginia Zoological Park and is prowling the quiet, child-laden neighborhoods of Norfolk, mad with the taste of human blood! Issue BOLO code LION! Lock up your snack-sized pets! Call the police! Call the fire department! Call your sister! Call the military! CALL CHUCK NORRIS!
….No, seriously. Call the police:
This is 9-1-1, what’s the nature of your emergency?
Hello. I just saw a baby lion.
[Both the caller and the first responder are remarkably unfazed.]
He was walking by himself?
[Yes, this is critical. Is the BABY LION unattended or does he have an entourage? Is there a zebra present?]
I thought at first it was a dog, but maybe it was freed from somewhere. It’s headed towards the bridge.
[No! Not the bridge!!!!]
LION, a BABY LION. On Colley Street.
On Colley Street.
[Colley Street, I KNOW. I can't make this shit up.]
I mean, it’s been going around to nearby houses but I don’t think it’s caused any problems so far. But it might cause problems.
WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!
Perhaps at this time you are picturing this escaped feline menace. Perhaps you are thinking it looks something like this:
But hold up, they said BABY lion, so let’s calibrate our mind projectors accordingly:
When police arrived on the scene they discovered…. THIS:
While you carefully examine this textbook image of a baby lion please listen to the THREE separate 911 calls placed to the local authorities regarding Norfolk‘s eminent demise:
At first I thought, “Well! Obviously it was night time and visibility was reduced!” Errr, no. The first two calls were placed at 10am and the third was placed after lunchtime, so that guy can’t even blame the hunger blurs.
Then I thought, “Well! Baby lions always have a full, luscious mane!” But one time I sawed myself an adolescent lion in a book and know this to not be true.
Finally, I thought, “Well! Two out of the three callers initially identified it as a potential dog!” …And then ruled out the most obvious answer and went for ESCAPED LION.
As it turned out, Norfolk’s man-eating “baby lion” is a local dog named Charles the Monarch. He has a funny haircut and has 8,900+ fans on facebook for having said funny haircut. He’s “just your everyday party animal.” Charles the Monarch dog-not-lion “loves tailgating.”
MYSTERY SOLVED! Congratulations everyone, you’ve earned… glasses and a leash for your goddamn dog! Now watch Charles the Monarch TEAR THIS WOMAN’S FACE CLEAN OFF: