Ah, January. The calendrical version of postpartum depression. And what can we look forward to at the box office this grim time of year? Brilliant films to help drag us through the ever-graying facade we are forced to call life for the next 3 months?
Nope. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D. (*pulls blanket over head*)
Number 1 at the box office this week came as a surprise to everyone with a working brain: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D. It made $23 million dollars. When asked why the hell they would see such a terrible movie, 1 in 3 attendees said it was because Trey Songz was in it. And then my head exploded.
1 in 3…. That’s all I’m saying.
Django Unchained took the number 2 spot, bringing in another $20 million dollars, for a total of $106.3 million domestically. That’s good, right? Okay. I can breathe again. That Leonardo DiCaprio kid will be relieved to finally have a hit.
“You know I’m in ALL his movies, right? Like, YOU can be replaced….”
The Hobbit, with $17.5 million in box office, walked leisurely into the third position. With its great attention to agonizing detail and bonus bird-poop wizards, it’s not that amazing that it’s made $263.8 million already. Plus, it’s the only reasonably kid-friendly movie in the top five. Unless you take your kids to go see Parental Guidance. YOU MONSTER.
I mean, LOOK at the detail in that… facial hair.
In fourth place, with $16.1 million dollars, was 1000 poor French people singing about being poor and French. Les Miserables, starring Anne Hathaway’s tragically cut hair and Russel Crowe’s ham-fueled tenor fell quite a ways over the weekend but has still grossed over $100 million since its Christmas opening.
Well played, poverty!
And rounding out the top 5, is Parental Guidance with $10.1 million more dollars than it deserves.
No,no…the Academy Awards were HYSTERICAL.
I’m not saying a Billy Crystal/Bette Midler farce about out-of-touch grandparents couldn’t be funny. It’s just that they don’t usually include tragic, star-killing, set accidents in the final film. See? It’d be funny if Billy Crystal got set on fire or something! Because he sucks!
Sigh. How many weeks do we have until Spring again, exactly?
About Kurt Specht
