I was off of work for close to two weeks over the holidays. It was glorious. I slept in, ate and drank my way through the city, got to see some friends who were home to visit, got some presents, and rang in the new year. Best of all, I got to hang out with my family. My son was off of school during this time, too, and during the day we would watch a lot of TV. He mainly wanted to watch Cartoon Network, which was fine. The only problem was that there’s a new Kidz Bop CD and the commercial for it played during every. single. break.
It broke some part of my spirit.
On a basic level, I understand why there is a market for Kidz Bop. There are kids who want to hear popular songs, but their parents aren’t comfortable with the content of them. So Kidz Bop covers them in the most G-rated way possible. Got it.
It’s just that…oh my gawwwwddd it’s SO DUMB! I can promise you that at no point during any of the times that I heard “Call Me Maybe” did I think, “Man, what would be dope is if 9-year-olds sang this.” And I know. I know. This probably makes me a cruel, heartless woman who can’t appreciate the joy and beauty of the voices of our young treasures lifting up in song to bring us church-approved versions of Nicki Minaj songs.
I also realized some other things about myself during my exposure to The Bop.
Realization #1: I don’t like when kidz point at me
This girl in the misguided Michael Jackson vest looks like she’s demanding that I have a good time. I don’t take orders from kids, so I’m going to sit here and be miserable just to spite her.
“We’re on a dock by a yacht being perky. Let’s go!” Yeah, because that’s not the plot of some demented horror movie or anything.
Realization #2: Kidz walking toward the camera intimidate me
My husband pointed this out during the 854th time that we saw this commercial and now I find it really creepy.
They come at you on dolphins:
They approach you while in some kind of rope tunnel:
They zoom down a Lazy River on inner-tubes to grin maniacally at you:
They march down an underwater tunnel while shouting the dubsteppy Internet Explorer theme song. YES, IN FACT, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO LOVE ME BACK THE HELL UP:
They ride ridiculous paddle boat bike things at you, but at least they’re wearing the proper safety gear so that they’ll stay afloat long enough to cry:
COMIN’ DOWN A WATERSLIDE KIDZ BOP IN YOUR FACE:
Realization #3: The next person to make a heart shape with their hands gets punched: