Fanfiction: the final frontier when the final frontier you were given does not satisfy your appetite for vampire sex.
One of the greatest gifts the internet age has wrought is fanfiction. Expert Blogger Intel: the kids like to call it “fanfic” because when you’re blur-filtering the Beebs, you don’t have a lot of time to spare. Fanfic, as you likely know, is a way to fantasize about the TV, movie, or literary (“literary”) characters you love, once their show or series is kaput or when the writers have failed to pay sufficient homage to a bit player. Or, of course, when a failure of imagination means you never get to see two lovers meet their destiny.
Imagine Bieber and Bella banging with zeal.
Whether self-published online or painstakingly printed and bound into the world’s most etiquette-challenging stocking stuffer (“Oh wow. Did you make this?”), fanfic began as an unintentionally hilarious, excessively sincere way to ask, “But what IF.” It has become a world in which it is hard to tell when people are kidding.
And as cruel cosmic jokes are wont to do, it begets art. So much art. And I’m not talking your garden variety fan art: an airbrushed Nicholas Cage using dolphins for waterskis, The Simpsons at the Last Supper, and this:
I’m offended for so many people here.
I’m talking about something much more complex and purposeful. I’m talking cover art. Fanfic cover art. Art that’s meant to tell a story. A story about something no one wrote about in the first place because it was a terrible idea then, too.
And so I give you the top ten most unsettling works of fanfiction cover art (and my super-well-informed summary of these terrifying images inviting reads).
Quinn & Rachel: The Story That Must Not Be Named
The tragic story of two women forever bound by a love of music and excessive eyelash glue.
The Kids From Fame
Two points for timeliness (I checked, the series is about the old movie and series not the 2009 reboot). Ten points for titular clarity.
Pandora Twilight
I’m so confused. Avatar was about environmentalism, right? So is the point that the negative sexual energy of these God-awful books can cool the Earth? (BRING ON THE HATE MAIL, TWI-HARDS. I AM 35 AND AM PLUM OUT OF FUCKS TO GIVE.)
Smallville: That Hawk Is Dead
Yes. Yes, it is.
And in other Smallville fanfic news…
Her friends are all like, “Are you sure you want to be dating Clark Kent? He seems shady.” She’s all, “He’s nice.”
Phantom of the Opera: In Sleep He Sang to Me
Haven’t read it but here’s my guess: although she chooses Raoul over her disfigured admirer, Christine remains attached and drags her new husband to every community theater in the tri-state area, where the Phantom–now convinced he is quite a singer–refuses to cede the role of Professor Harold Hill in the annual production of The Music Man.
Justin Bieber in Good Intentions
For the internet fanfic writer who doesn’t actually want to write anything, the Justin Bieber Fanfic Movie Poster. There are approximately 40 bajillion of these online but this one is my favorite, because it leads me to believe that Justin Bieber has just awoken the day after visiting a animatronic fortune teller to find that he has switched bodies with a Canadian mechanic.
Lord of the Rings: Innocence Stolen
Castlevania Font Found.
Dr. Who and the Sarah Jane Adventures: The Last and the Only
As in “thankfully the last and the only night you’ll miss the prom to watch a Doctor marathon.”
Crashing Into Styles
Just one in the troubling, infinite canon of One Direction fanfic. This is dangerous on one level: one, it could be interpreted as a call to action (“Harry! Look ooooooouuuuut!”) and two, we are all too old to write fanfic about this little moppet. I don’t care if he is 19, this cover makes me feel like I should show poor Harry Styles this cover.
Fanfic cover artists, I applaud you. You have done what Tom Stoppard did for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern – you have refused to be enslaved by the confines of others’ realities. And, best of all, you have given me enough mental images of a bizarre elfin warrior sex scenes to last the week.
Read More: In Which I Finally Succumb To The Siren Call Of Twilight Fanfic, Sort Of
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About Molly Martin
