If you’re Facebook friends with any science buffs, there’s a pretty good chance that you already know an alien body is on course to skirt the Earth’s atmosphere this Friday, February 5th, missing a direct hit with our planet by only 15 minutes.
You wish.
And though we’re safe from the oppressive, cat-devouring forces of Melmac for the moment, we WILL be closely buzzed by a 130,000 ton asteroid (with the catchy name 2012 DA14). NASA scientists say this is the first time in recorded history that an asteroid this large will fly this close to Earth – within 17,200 miles of the planet, which is 5,000 miles closer than the weather, communications and GPS navigation satellites that orbit the Earth.
In other words, this is a reeeeeally close one, folks.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not prepared for Valentine’s Day! Is there a way we can get this thing to threaten life on Earth any sooner?!” Unfortunately the answer to that question is no. But what would happen if an asteroid that size actually did hit the Earth?
We actually know the answer to that question, because an asteroid of 2012 DA14′s size HAS ALREADY HIT THE EARTH. In 1908, Tunguska, Siberia was hit with an asteroid of roughly the same size and the effect was equivalent to about 185 Hiroshima bombs and obliterated about 800 square miles of what used to be lush, sexy Tunguska, Siberia. Since it was so remote, it’s believed that casualties were minimal.
Vaporized, but not forgotten.
But if 2012 DA14 were a collision course with Earth — about to completely obliterate a chunk of our planet the size of Washington D.C. this Friday — what could we do about it? Could anyone save us?
If movies and TV have taught you anything, then you know that the answer to that question is “yes”. So assume the duck-and-cover position, and let’s countdown the Top 5 People Who Will Save Us From An Asteroid!
5. Bruce Willis
‘MURICA!!!
I’m not talking about his character from Armageddon, I’m talking about just plain old regular Bruce Willis. If you point the man at anything you need taken care of, it will either:
- Explode
- Become riddled with bullets
- Hurt itself from rolling its eyes at whatever catch phrase he just said.
- Fall into a kooky will-they-or-won’t-they romance ala Moonlighting with him.
Problem solved.
4. Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker
(If you don’t know about Kai, read THIS first.) That asteroid is going to hurt innocent people and Kai knows what works best in that sort of situation…
Hatchet not included.
3. Courtney Stodden
She’s a good pick for 2 reasons. One, it gives us the opportunity to get her off the planet, change our addresses and then pretend like we never knew her. And two, I’m operating under the assumption that asteroids are afraid of catching STDs.
Worst. Thanksgiving. Ever.
2. Pope Benedict XVI
Mainly because this asteroid thing might be entirely his fault.
I think you get to keep the super powers even after you quit…
1 . Bill Nye the Science Guy, Stephen Hawking, Neil Degrasse Tyson and the NASA Guy with the Mohawk
Why not individually list some of our nation’s most famous scientists in times of a scientific crisis? Duh! Because, in times of great danger, the crystals on their forearms activate, they join forces and they combine into a gigantic asteroid-deflecting robot!
If you’ll excuse me, I have to go fire up a Kickstarter campaign to actually make this happen…
What do you think? Who would you send to save the planet from imminent, asteroid-based doom? Who could save us? Or, more importantly, who should we use as a human shield? Let us know below!
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About Joe Lyons
