You and your bro need dates to a family wedding. What do you do?
I’ll tell you what you do. You photoshop your mugs onto a coupla centaurs, write a post about needing dates, and put it up on Craigslist. Duh.
And that’s just what Dave and Mike from Saratoga, NY did this past week. And it sure seems to be working, as they’ve been inundated with responses from women.
But who are these mystery men? Well, according to their Craigslist post:
We’re both in our 20s, single, dashingly tall, Anglo-Saxon, respectfully athletic, love to party, completely house trained, relaxed, passionate, smell great, have cool hair, clean up nice, boast great tie collections, will promise to shave, love our mother, have seen Love Actually several times, controversial, provocative, short-sighted (with a big picture mentality), raw, emotional, sensitive but still bad boys.
Of course they are. Amazing how rudimentary photoshop skills and some B-minus copy can transform a couple average Joes into cyber Casanovas.
But where do the Saratoga boys and their Craigslist antics rank when placed beside some of the best of the worst Craigslist posts ever? YOU BE THE JUDGE.
Penis Measuring
An epic conundrum to be sure. You and your penis rival are unable to verify whose managed to inch out whom. So you need an unbiased third-leg-party arbitrator of sorts. After all, each of these penis rival’s girlfriends could be padding the stats. Yet the boys can’t settle the score because, as the ad’s author puts it:
“I don’t want to see his penis and he doesn’t want to see mine.” (He just wants to have a bigger penis than the man whose penis he doesn’t want to see.)
The best part? Their humility. “We can’t pay much. $50.” He could have at least spiced it up a bit with so, let’s see, I guess that’ll end up being about five bucks an inch.
Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday Party
“We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load.”
Right. We get it. You need a drunk clown for your buddy’s 30th. Because apparently all the drunk clowns who are sure to be there won’t be enough. You’ll need that extra Ace in the hole.
Need comfort dick due to Michael Jackson’s death??
Okay, so first, you most certainly are alone. Because that is a most disturbing correlation anyone has ever made. And I dare say you will, indeed, have to Beat It. Off the Wall, I’d be willing to wager.
Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit.
Wait. Isn’t that the name of a Pearl Jam song? Because I don’t wanna get into a copyright thing here.
I totally don’t even get this one. I mean, you’d think a guy wanting a chick to sit in a bath tub full of noodles would want such because it somehow did something for his noodle. But he’s not even gonna be there.
“I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure…Please supply your own footwear.”
Like this deal wasn’t disturbing enough before he brought up feet.
Porn laptop
“I call it a porn laptop because I’m pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn.” – Such resolve you must possess.“It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my firefox.” – That must be nice. To have a few standbys on a cold winter’s night.
“It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that.” – Ah. So this laptop won’t enable you to create porn – just view it.
What, does this thing come with a hazmat suit or something? Because you’d have to be a far sicker motherfucker than I to even think about touching that vile portal. Plus, he’s not even calling it the right name. What that dude’s got is clearly a whack-top.
Butt-Pumpkin
“Do you want an old pumpkin that looks like a butt?” Maybe. Who wants to know?
“Pick it up in the alley behind the Inn-Joy/Small Bar/Thai Village.” So which is it? Picking up some butt-pumpkin in an alley is something to inn-joy in a small bar, or a Thai Village?
“First come, first who gets butt pumkin.” Like an early bird is to a worm.
“You can hold it up to your butt in pictures and it looks like you have a pumpkin for a butt.” I was just fucking with you before, but that last one really is a cool feature of the butt-pumpkin. The photo bit.
“Due to the high demand, we will no longer be taking calls.” I’d say you’re right about one thing — demand for that probably is a high thing.
So tell me, dear reader — what are some of your favorite bad Craigslist posts?
Read More: The Top 15 Most Awful Pregnancy Photos Ever
TOP POSTS
About John Cave Osborne
