We’re right in the middle of Awards Season 2013, and next up come the Grammy Awards. This Sunday at 8pm EST, musical talent of all genres will converge on the Los Angeles Staples Center, where they will walk the red carpet in all manner of gorgeous turtleneck sweaters and sensible shoes.
Come again what now?
It seems that CBS – the television network responsible for Murder She Wrote and The Ed Sullivan Show and which continues to feature Morley Safer on 60 minutes 16 years past his actual physical death – has issued a stern wardrobe lecture note to Sunday nights Grammy Awards ceremony attendees. CBS is fearful of wardrobe malfunctions of almost any kind at the music awards broadcast, and seeks to eradicate any indication of sex, sexiness, sexual innuendo, sexualization, sexuality, sexin’, sexy sexin’ sex and DA SEX.
Because, you know, all those wars and revolutions that boobies start.
The note reads:
CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network Policy concerning wardrobe. Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure.
Aren’t you feeling sooo hot right now?
The “request” goes on:
Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST (ed: caps theirs.) This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on a talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.
So of course expect to see someone wearing a Coke bottle dress and a gigantic hat shaped like an Apple Computer, with Japanese beer case shoes and “Save Tibet” tattooed across their left breast (with bare fleshy under-curvature!)
Or, we’ll get a red carpet featuring something like this:
Please ensure your neck bow is NOT tied in a manner depicting a gang sign
Or this:
Those trousers look pretty snug, sir. Please come this way so CBS Program Practices can determine if your “puffy bits” are problematic
What up, CBS?
Aren’t the clothes the reason we watch award shows anyway? We’re all jaded about the singing now (thanks, BEYONCE), and if you can tell me who won “Song of the Year” when Lady Gaga showed up in an egg, or what band took home “Album of the Year” when Lil Kim showed up with pasties on, or even what happened at any time, ever, the week Cher wore that S&M birdcage thing? If you know, we’d loooove to hear about it.
What’s that? You can’t? Of course you can’t, because we watch for the clothes.
CBS, increase your Metamucil dosage, pass the stool blockage, and make sure you get your afternoon nap on Sunday. We WANT to see some “under-curvature” and “female breast nipple,” and possibly some “problematic thong-type costumes.”
Don’t you?
Read More: The 2013 Golden Globes: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Need Their Own Show
About Jeni Marinucci
