“Surprise! It’s me again! My hand is an eagle claw! Ca-caw!”
When you’re a very famous celebrity accustomed to having your every whim obeyed suddenly it seems completely reasonable to tack on a list of outrageous demands to your performance contracts. You really do need four locally-bred white dogs backstage at every performance, afterall, just in case you get lonely or need to show someone how important, powerful, and crazy you are. You can just stare your questioner down and point over you shoulder, and Mitzy, Bitzy, Fritzy, and Lump will be waiting to tell them who’s boss.
Mitzy on the POWERPLAAAAYYYYYYY
Nothing is more revealing than the bizarrely specific requests celebrities make to help turn their home away from home into… a temporary backstage home. Do they demand caviar and champagne, or fritos and fruit punch? Do they prefer their dressing room a balmy 72 degrees, or do they need ten identical pairs of shoes made of sandwich meat? And do they really use any of that stuff, or do they just ask for it because they can?
So, what does superstar Lady Gaga require at each one of her performances? Ready your best armchair psychology skills, we’re about to do some digging. Here’s a selection of her 2010 tour rider’s requests alongside some just-released notes from former assistant Jennifer O’Neill:
Dressing room decorated in a “glam rock” fashion including, “old rock posters from her favorite artists [like] David Bowie, Queen, Elton John and Billy [sic] Holiday”hung about the room
Furnishing should include white leather couches, black satin drapes, ( and if capitalization means anything the highest priority of all) 5 lamps, FLOOR OR TABLE WITH WORKING BULBS!!
A mannequin with “puffy pink public [sic] hair” must be present in the backstage suite
2 large fluffy lavendar [sic] towels; 2 lavendar [sic] hand towels; 2 lavendar [sic] wash cloths, which must be available to the pop star “at all times”; lavendar [sic] handsoap, body wash; face soap; 2 new seafoam luffas; small candle in the bathroom, fresh yellow, lavendar [sic] or white roses; and a steamer.
Other miscellaneous catering requests:
Two bottles of white wine with opener, Kendal Jackson or Robert Mondavi prefered
Splenda brand sweetner
4-pack of Red Bull Light (on ice)
4 flavors of Vitamin Water (on ice)
4 FUZE Slenderize drinks
4 Coke Zero
4 assorted juices
2 bottles of Green Tea
12 bottles of water (warm)
12 bottles of water (cool)
1/2 gallon skim milk
1 container salsa
1 container guacamole
1 container lemon or garlic hummus
1 bag of tortilla chips
One box of Kashi Go Lean cereal with berries
Quaker “Weight Control” oatmeal
Non fat plain Greek style yogurt
“FIVE LAMPS. I MUST HAVE FIVE LAMPS.”
In a world where Paul McCartney specifies which types of plants may exist in his presence (only ones without trunks), Gnarls Barkley is provided ample fresh white tube socks and condoms, Trent Reznor absolutely must have 2 (two) boxes of corn starch, and only brand-new toilet seats may grace Madonna‘s psuedo-British rear-end, what can we glean from the pages of Lady Gaga‘s tour rider?
Almost all the mundane details like rolling clothing racks, a large trash can, a cool-mist humidifier, tea with honey, water, small vegetable snack trays, etc., seem completely reasonable. Her request for a single office chair is downright dull, verging on pathetic. Actually, other than the fact that she’s requested more than 50 individual beverages, this all seems like crap I would pick up on a whim at Walgreens on a wild Friday night.
Yes! Now you’re REALLY living the high life!
It’s almost as if her publicity team scanned the list and turned to each other and said, “Guys. GUYS. This is LADY GAGA. This list is not weird enough. What are we going to do?!” “Uh… Why don’t you throw some crap about a mannequin in at the end.” “Yeah, yeah! Mannequins are weird. And maybe give it… public hair!” “Oooooh, pubic hair! Good one Thomas!” “That’ll do it! Let’s go put on our steak shirts and run around the block.” “Super great!”
In the end, what does all this tell us about celebrity enigma Lady Gaga? She likes vanilla Activia yogurt, just like you.
“Activia keeps me regular.”
Read More: Lady Gaga Responds To Latest Round Of Body Snarking By Exposing Her Body And Her Struggles
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About Jamie Jamerson
