Ethan Hawke has put Oscar on blast in Gotham Magazine by calling out the horse race as, quote, “asinine … if you look at how many forgettable, stupid movies have won Oscars and how many mediocre performers have Oscars above their fireplace.”
Oh and also? “Making a priority of chasing these fake carrots and money and dubious accolades, I think it’s really destructive.”
Well, aren’t we fancy, Ethan! (And in other news, look for my new folk album “Fake Carrots and Dubious Accolades,” due out this May Day!)
Hawke, nominated twice—for Supporting Actor (Training Day, 2001) and Screenplay (Before Sunset, 2004)—isn’t alone in his Oscar gripe. Joaquin Phoenix says they’re bullshit. Sir Anthony Hopkins hates the campaigning. You might recall that George C. Scott and Marlon Brando bailed on the festivities, even declining awards.
And as much as I love watching the Oscars, I love movies more, and Hawke isn’t wrong. He is also white hot and insanely talented (plus I still cry when I think of him crying to Mr. Keating in Dead Poets Society). But, c’mon, Ethan, you’re a writer. Can’t you come up with better trash talk than “fake carrots?” What kind of example are you setting for your fellow thespians?
Fine. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Here then, Ethan Hawke, is how you trash talk, Oscar-style (you’re welcome, Famous Strangers!):
- This year every supporting actor nominee has already won an Oscar. So, were I Alan Arkin (Argo) handing out a little Oscar burn to Silver Linings Playbook‘s Mr. De Niro (more like “De Zero”), I would take a shot at the confidence of a possible repeat winner: ”This year you’re like Linda Hunt (the only adult Oscar winner under five feet tall) climbing a ladder: COMING UP SHORT!”
- Here’s one for use by remarkable Sally Field, nominated for Lincoln: ”Hey, Jennifer Lawrence! I heard you’ve won two awards this season for Silver Linings Playbook. I also heard you don’t have a website cuz you can’t string three W’s together.”
- From Daniel Day-Lewis to his fellow Best Actor nominees Denzel Washington, Bradley Cooper, Hugh Jackman, and Joaquin Phoenix: ”Hey, Imaginary Pilot, Sad Football Fan, Singing French Bread Thief, and Sycophant! What are you doing here?”
- And from Ben Affleck, passed over for a directing nod despite rave reviews and mad awards cred for his nominated film Argo, to Lincoln’s Steven Spielberg: “Three words: Crystal. Fucking. Skull.” Bonus points if you follow it up with “And my wife isn’t mostly famous for Space Camp and the second worst Indiana Jones movie ever.”
- Quvenzhané Wallis to, oh, everyone: “Remember that time I was six years old and acted the pants off all of you? Me, too.” (And please please please let her follow up with, “And remember that if, in 15 years, you still can’t write a role for me doesn’t require some white person to do me a favor or asks me to wear a maid’s uniform.”)
- And, finally, from the makers of Amor, the
soul-crushing heart-wringing old people-ylife affirming Austrian film nominated both for Best Picture and Best Foreign Film, to everyone who didn’t see it: saugen sie es.
There. Now, waxing and fasting and practicing you’re “I’m totally happy for her” face aside, you’re ready for the Oscars. And remember what Uncle Ethan said, “Beware the fake carrots.”