Grope Pope Says “Nope”: Pope Benedict XVI Quits

02/11/2013 9:10 am by

pope01 590x297 Grope Pope Says Nope: Pope Benedict XVI Quits

“RAAAAARRR!!”

Celebrity Vampire and aging symbol of world Catholicism Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he is too old and crazy to continue doing his religious duties and would be resigning from the Papacy, which sounds like a delicious restaurant but isn’t at all, effective February 28th. The move was a big surprise to world Catholics because he didn’t even announce it on his twitter.

Here’s what he should have said:

“Just resigned the papacy. #OMGLOL #canigetawhatwhat”

or

“The hat was too heavy. #needaneckbrace #wherediparkthepopemobile”

or

“Artichokes. Platypus. Katy Perry. #yallgonnamakemelosemymind” 

pope02 Grope Pope Says Nope: Pope Benedict XVI Quits

See what I did there?

The Pope took a lot of heat about his stance on the clerical abuse of minors, which sounds like it means registering 16 year olds to vote or filing things about teenagers incorrectly, but totally isn’t that at all.

When asked for comment on the Pope’s leavetaking, every rational person in the world said “Woohoo!”

Pope Benedict XVI is the first guy with the big hat to resign since Pope Gregory XII did in 1415, a year that was very long ago. Pope Gregory declined to comment on the current Pope’s resignation announcement, being that he’s been dead for more than 500 years.

The Vatican held a press conference discussing the immediacy with which a Pope successor would be named, and some fancy-looking guy from Rome said some things in Italian, which is a beautiful language that ironically makes everything sound like a ploy to get into someone’s pants.

Highlights of Pope Benedict’s Career:

1) Being old

2) Openly blocking the ordination of women priests

3) Strongly opposing homosexuality

4) Being German and scary-looking

5) Claiming Catholicism was the only “true” religion

6) Picking fights with pretty much every other religion in the world

7) Knocking books out of the hands of cardinals when he crossed paths with them in the hall

8) Snapping his ecumenical advisory staff  with a towel when they were the last one out of the shower

Yeah, it’ll be sad to see him go.

Read More: Are We Being Unfair To Tom Cruise (And Scientologists In General?)

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About Kurt Specht

Kurt, after a lengthy hiatus that was supposed to be about "finding himself" but ending up being about "finding the best local burrito," is back to fill your day with wonder and delight.

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  • http://twitter.com/momofnandn Dawn Feakes-Lange

    Sigh. John Paul II truly ruined the papacy for all others forever and ever amen.

    • SuzyQuzey

      The papacy is a ridiculous, conceited concept to begin with. It has also been filled by some of the most greedy, corrupt men in history. Not saying that John was, though.

      • Kurt Specht

        Yeah. You’d think he was a senator.

  • Norm Nelson

    Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

    • Kurt Specht

      There’s a small thermal exhaust port right beneath his hat

  • diamondcait

    you forgot rocking the red shoes as one of his papal highlights. Or stunt double for Emperor Palpatine.

    • Kurt Specht

      It’s the eyes, man…the eyes.

  • DianaCLT

    I’m a Very Liberal Catholic (Translation: I stick with the basics. The Trinity, the Do Unto Others, the fact that we are ALL equal and loved and born perfect, the fact that Jesus would have been hanging out with the hippies and the goths and NotSoMuch in the MegaChurches with the TeaBaggers. ;) ). It was between this guy and a guy from Africa, when John Paul II died. I was bummed the other guy didn’t get the position (1st Runner Up?). He lives among reality. He understands the importance and necessity of condoms, he works with those who’ve survived assault and works toward eliminating it, he understands the prevalence of AIDS and works with those afflicted. I believe he would bring the Church into this century. Hope it happens now.

    • Kurt Specht

      He definitely seemed like a throwback to a harsher Catholicsm when weighed against some of the attempts the Church has made to improve its relevance in the latter part of the 20th century.

  • SuzyQuzey

    Maybe the new pope can shepherd this church into the 18th century. The 21st is too much to hope for.

    • Kurt Specht

      hahaha!

  • Tyskkvinna

    What’s wrong with being German? :(

    • Kurt Specht

      Did you even see my name?

      • Tyskkvinna

        To be honest – no, I didn’t look (I usually don’t at MamaPop) but I hear so many people complain about the Pope and his (insert unpleasant adjective) German-ness.

        • http://www.facebook.com/hypnotyza Mark ‘Hypnotyza’ Raich

          it’s not necessarily the “German-ness”, so much as the “former Hitler Youth” that causes the catch in the throat with me…and, I’d guess, most other people….