One Direction, squeaky-clean boy band phenomenon, commands a ruthless army of rabid, faceless warriors who also happen to be exclusively 13-year-old girls. Any time the shaggy British quintet enters their legions burst into a high-decibel attack that could put ye olden days of Beatlemania to shame.
They just can’t contain the wild flames of their passion for Niall, Zayn, Liam, Louis, and Harry! And boy, who could really blame them?
Unfortunately, that battle-ready edge comes at a high price. At a show in Glasglow on Tuesday, one overeager “Directioner” was so overcome by gazing upon the real flesh of her pop gods that she took her shoes off and started chucking them at the stage, presumably as some sort of mating ritual for the mysterious species of human I routinely mark as spam on instagram.
Watch and learn, and turn down your speakers:
Harry Styles didn’t just take a love tap to the nibblers, he went down hard. He crashed to earth like a solidly felled tree in the Black Forest that crushed an innocent bystander squirrel’s skull to jello. People in nearby towns looked up from their pints and said, “Did Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend just fall down?”
His co-idols rushed over to see if Harry was okay, and luckily he was up and moving about within a few minutes, kicking his legs around and doing deep knee bends like everyone does after their genitals are injured by a stranger.
The impassioned fan was allowed to stay on and finish the concert, later telling the Daily Record, “I just wanted him to touch something belonging to me … I’m so embarrassed.”
Hey, I get it. Sometimes you love someone so much you just have to render them sterile as quickly as possible. What’s more important is that HE TOUCHED THE SHOE (WITH HIS WIENIE), and she’s never going to wash that shoe again.