Now that you’ve spent the last month and a half applying that plucky, “This is my year!” attitude to your weight-loss-and-fitness-centric resolutions, Valentine’s Day comes around like the snarky little bitch that it is to highlight how horny and hungry you are. Self-reflection and goals give way to wallowing about how your significant other didn’t “do” Valentine’s Day correctly, or, if you’re single, about how obnoxious couples are. Good intentions and carrot sticks are shoved aside for drugstore chocolates and alcohol.
Really, Valentine’s Day is the point when the year settles back into stark reality.
Like most holidays, there’s a strong focus on food on Valentine’s Day. And this being America/’Murrica, we like to take something simple like celebratory sustenance and utterly pervert it. Here are some recent, newsworthy foodstuffs that you and your Valentine can consider putting in your faceholes today (U-S-A! U-S-A!):
Mountain Dew Kickstart
The fine folks at Mountain Dew are launching a “breakfast soda” called Kickstart. It’s a citrus-flavored Mountain Dew with 5% fruit juice and caffeine. From the press release:
Available in two bold flavors, Orange Citrus and Fruit Punch, and only 80-calories per 16 oz. can, Kickstart presents a fresh alternative to the age old morning question of “coffee or juice,” by offering the best of all worlds.
I wasn’t aware that legions of people were standing in their kitchens every morning, crying, “Coffee or juice? COFFEE OR JUICE? WHAT METHOD SHALL I USE TO WEAKEN MY STOMACH LINING AND/OR GIVE ME DIARRHEA BY 9:30?!?!?!” But that’s why PepsiCo has market researchers to fill in the gaps of my worldview and develop an appropriate product. Hopefully they’ll crowd-source a tagline. I’m thinking something like, “Kickstart Your Shitty Day,” or “Kickstart: Why Wait Until Tonight to Make Terrible Choices?”
Lay’s Sriracha, Chicken & Waffles, and Cheesy Garlic Bread Chips
The past few years have seen a lot of really weird/interesting flavors come on the market for potato chips. As a self-proclaimed junk food connoisseur, I can’t help but try a lot of them. Some of them have been just kind of dumb, but some have been really good. Like how every kind of snack chip or cracker comes in buffalo wing flavor? This pleases me. It’s like eating wings in a much faster, carbier, but somewhat less messier manner.
These new flavors from Lay’s are kind of off-the-wall, however. Flavoring chips to taste like a different food altogether seems a little unnecessary. But holy god do those Sriracha chips sound amazing. I love Sriracha, and it seems like something that will lend itself really well to chips. Because this, basically, is my food pyramid:
Thank you to whatever demented person on the internet created this.
Taco Bell’s Cool Ranch Doritos Tacos Locos
I have to admit to being morbidly curious about the Doritos Tacos at Taco Bell. My husband kept wanting to go make a special trip to the Bell to try one, but every time he suggested it, I could hear my colon weeping. Plus, we have a kid and it would probably be kind of us to not die prematurely from Dorito dust inhalation. But this new iteration with the Cool Ranch flavor is really testing my resolve. Cool Ranch Doritos basically taste like middle school to me. They’re delicious in a way I can’t really articulate. This might have to happen.
Anything on the Menu at the Heart Attack Grill
In one of the grosser examples of this being a free country, the Heart Attack Grill exists, serving up horrific dishes, like the 9,982-calorie Quadruple Bypass Burger, to people who have a strong case of Not Giving a Fuck. The ambiance of the place includes scantily-clad nurse waitresses, because obviously, and a policy of free meals for any customer over 350 pounds. One of their regular customers, who was their unofficial spokesperson, died this week from a massive heart attack which struck him while he was standing just outside of the establishment. This blow comes just two years after their previous unofficial spokesman died of pneumonia that was said to be related to his 575-pound weight. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!
Anyone have any other ideas or suggestions for how to make your Valentine’s Day dinner more EXTREEEEME? YELL IT IN ALL CAPS IN COMMENTSSSS!!
Read more: The Top 10 Worst Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas Ever
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About Kelly Delaney
