In this troubled economy, it seems that even the most elite of reality television are not immune to the dreaded fear of unemployment. Now that Season Three of Bravo‘s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has officially wrapped, and we’re all sitting patiently waiting for the awkward Andy-Cohen-hosted reunion shows, rumors are already swirling about which cast members will or will not be returning for next season. Currently confirmed as in-the-clear are Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump. All the rest, including Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, Adrienne Maloof, Taylor Armstrong, and Yolanda Foster, are presently in danger of getting the diamond-tipped axe.
DUN DUN DUHHHNNN!
But here’s the thing: this shouldn’t even be a rumor at this point. Because as a viewer, it’s pretty clear Bravo needs to kick those ladies to the curb and never look back. Here’s why:
1. Kyle Richards
Kyle’s only purpose on this show is to point out how ridiculous her sister is. And her sister, bee-tee-dubs, is a recovering alcoholic, so this probably isn’t the best angle for the woman to be taking. Unless she does, that is, want to be viewed as the cold-hearted, unfeeling, fashionably dressed robotic housewife that she seems to be. It would just be better for both parties for Kyle to make an exit before Season 4. See also: the viewing audience. YAWN, Kyle. Yawn.
2. Kim Richards
This poor woman just needs a freakin’ break. Even if her sister leaves, Kim needs to get herself out of the spotlight of Bravo’s lens as well. Recovery cannot be easy whilst happening in front of a camera. Plus, Kim seems to have distanced herself from the show this season anyway, with many of her appearances taking place by herself and not with the rest of the cast. Even her nose job was not celebrated in typical Beverly Hills fashion with some sort of group-party or trip to Vegas! (Sidebar: I don’t appreciate how Bravo is effectively redefining the term “housewife.”)
3. Adrienne Maloof
Listen, this woman could have been a fun addition to the cast now that she’s divorcing her hairy husband (who I once had a sex dream about) and exhibiting mid-life crisis behavior by dating the really, truly, incredibly unfortunately-visaged Sean Stewart. Beyond that, however, she’s been nothing but annoying this season with the “shame on you”s and the lawsuits and the freakin’ handbags. Enough, Adrienne. We liked you better when you were just the housewife with that stupid sparkle extension in your hair.
4. Taylor Armstrong
Oh, girl. This one should have been encouraged by some kind soul to leave the show LAST year. Sure, she needed the money, but there’s something to be said about a priceless little thing called DIGNITY. Taylor added nothing to the storyline of RHOBH other than redirecting conversation back to herself at reeeaally awkward moments. Couldn’t they have dug her up a boyfriend or something? Ugh.
5. Yolanda Foster
Oh, Yolanda, Yolanda, Yolanda. Before we unceremoniously fire off this elitist, arrogant, self-centered Stepford Wife, we need to first buy her a new pair of pants (WHO WEARS WHITE DENIM CAPRIS EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIFE) and help her excavate some of the 6,342 lemon trees she has planted on her property. Surely some impovershed nation could make plenty of cayenne pepper cleanses with those things.
It’s interesting to note, at this point, that the very reasons these women should arguable be fired could also be used as arguments to keep them on board.
Once you get rid of all these ladies, however, you’re only left with two. Hopefully that does not leave any room for consideration of the semi-housewives we’ve seen this season like Faye Resnick, Marisa Zanuck, or Camille Grammar.
(And say, didn’t Camille quit already? I’m guessing she reappeared this season just to show off her Greek God boyfriend–which, touche–but hopefully this is her last Hurrah. I keep praying for a strong wind to blow her frail body out of the scene. And Faye and Marisa are just too bitchy even for Beverly Hills standards.)
Unfortunately for Bravo, Camille, Marisa and Faye may be the only women they can scrounge up. (Word on the street is that it’s uncouth to appear on a trainwreck-creating reality show, and many so-called A-Listers are avoiding the network like the plague! Can you believe it?) Maybe one of them will do something fun like flip a table or shank Andy Cohen and save her spot on the show after all. Stay tuned!