Y’all. Did you know that Sean Lowe identifies as a “born again virgin?” I’m already vomiting on the cats. LET’S DO THIS THING!!! It’s THE BACHELOR!!!
Diseases galore!!!!
It’s my favorite night, that being FANTASY SUITE night, which usually means sex galore, but with the Snooze they’ll probably end up cuddling under a Slanket and reading the Bible. God, I hate this show. Where’s Harrison? is he already getting sloshed at craft services? I NEED YOU, HARRISON, put down the cruller and the martini and hold me.
ANYHOO, we are in Thailand. Sean is shirtless, of course. He’s everyone’s soulmate. The cats tuck their wellies on and pop open their umbrellas. Snoozer blathers incoherently for a while and then ENTER CATHERINE. I really like her. She deserves so much better than this crap. Then there’s AshLee. Snoozer is “in love” with her as well. She has a “soul connection” with him and just drink everything in the world. Did you know she was abandoned? Because she only mentions it every sixteen seconds. Enter Lindsay, the crazy beesh in the wedding dress the first night. Snoozer LOVES the Cray-Cray. He blathers incoherently about how he LOVES HER TOO.
Hello, Ladies!
Nice neon blue tank top, Sean. That’s SO masculine. Oh wait, y’all, it’s an IM from my mom. “Can a born again virgin have a menage a trois?”
Blessed commercials. Velveeta is not “liquid gold” by the way. Just in case you were confused.
Lindsay and the Snooze are going on a date. Her outfit is poorly chosen. Her idea to tell Snoozer that she’s in love with him on the date is even POORLY chosen. They go out to a market and waggle their white-ass eyes at the weirdo Asian people. Imagine that! Asian people in Thailand! And they have their own food, too! This is so gross. Almost as gross as Sean’s shirt. Blouse. He’s wearing a blouse. Hey, let’s eat bugs! And then make out! Sure, why not? Those wacky Asian people do it! Later, they go to a beach and yammer endlessly about lurrrrrrrrrrve. The cats have set down tarps and I’m pretty sure one of them is giving me the finger as I start to dry heave.
OMG MONKEYS. That’s not fair, show. I am hopeless against monkeys. Oh, Lindsay and Sean are still chattering about love. No one cares. I text the monkeys. They don’t care either.
Divine commercials. Expensive electronics! You needs them!!!!
Beautiful Thai background. Unfortunately, Sean and Lindsay are still talking. I consult the monkeys and they tell me that they wish they were at the “romantic dinner” so they could fling poo at these two jokers. Speaking of, Lindsay is totes ready to abandon her entire life to move to Dallas with him. Way to go, female empowerment! Some Thai dancers come out and get their SAG cards. Lindsay desperately wants to tell the Snoozer she’s “in love” with him. But here comes the FANTASY SUITE card!!! Will they? They will!!! Under a Slanket, reading the Bible. Drink more wine, kids. You might get to second base. Doubtful, but maybe.
Lindsay finally drops that she “loves” Sean. He, of course, does not reciprocate, but his balls might have dropped a nano-millimeter. They make out chastely, my mom IMs me again desperate to know what the hell a “born again virgin” is, and the cats barricade themselves in the bedroom to play dominoes without the fear of being covered in puke.
Commercials! If this goddamn dog in my apartment yard doesn’t stop barking, I swear to god…
AshLee is hopelessly in love with the Snoozer and his stupid board shorts. She blathers. I yawn. The cats laugh that I can’t puke on them. The monkeys in Thailand puke on each other. My mom IMs me that Sean’s a dick. That? Is certainly accurate.
Hey, AshLee talks about being abandoned again! Drink! And Sean’s shirtless! Drink again! They go diving into a cavern. NO THANK YOU. Oh goddo, it’s very dark and scary and haven’t these people seen “The Descent?” NO NO NO. AshLee’s a better sport than I would be, because I would be screaming and swimming my ass to shore as fast as I could.
They get out of the cave to a beach and AshLee drops “journey” so drink everything in the world.
Beautiful commercials. My mom is STILL trying to wrap her mind around how someone can call themselves a born again virgin. Then she calls Sean a dick again. Awesomesauce.
Off to dinner, and AshLee blathers about how in loooooooooooove she is. Will they do the Fantasy Suite and chastely hold hands and read scripture? Will they??!?!? After even more shit-talking that makes me drag a cat away from his chess game to puke on him, they finally get the card. Snoozer wants to stay up and talk all night like girlfriends. Maybe they’ll braid each other’s hair! AshLee pretends he means this and off they go. The monkeys text me from Thailand with the message “HAHAHAHHA BULLSHIT. GET NAKED ALREADY” I knew I loved those monkeys.
Gorgeous commercials. Oh wait, it’s an ad for Breaking Dawn Part Two. Not so gorgeous.
Girls? I have a doctorate in psychology. RUN.
Time for Catherine’s date. Her dress belongs on a 7 year old child. They go on a boat and she does that horrific “I’m the king of the world” thing and I HATE THAT. They yammer ENDLESSLY. She thinks her sisters were total bitches on the home visit.. She’s terribly worried that her bitch sisters affected Sean’s thoughts about her. Snoozer. as always, is “Duh?” She calls herself weird about a hundred times, and honey? You want weird? Date an internet writer. WE WILL SHOW YOU WEIRD. She of course says she’ll uproot her entire life to move to Dallas. Where is Gloria Steinem when you need her??!?!?!?!?!
That dress is ridiculous. Seriously. I wouldn’t put it on a toddler I respected. Anyway, they go diving and there are no terrifying ocean beasts eating Sean, so you know. Bummer.
Commercials. I just accidentally erased five paragraphs of recap. Rewinding and trying not to cry.
Sean grills Catherine about a five year plan. She calls herself weird again, and for some reason it really pisses me off. Did you ever pick spitballs out of your hair in third grade, Catherine? I doubt it. ANYWAY. Fantasy Suite. Pure thoughts and Bible readings. Will they? They will. Sean is popping wood because she’s nervous. Kinky BOOTS, Snoozer!!!! So let’s recap. Three chicks, three overnights. One born again virgin. Riiiiiiight. Hope y’all have a good prescription plans, ladies!!!! Cause Sean is full of shit, and probably full of genital warts as well.
OH GOD, IT’S HARRISON. I collapse in relief. He taunts us with next week’s “The Hookers Tell All” and then shills a Disney movie. Let’s move on, shall we?
Snoozer is shirtless (drink) and knows who is going home. He’s not looking forward to it. Thank goddo Harrison is here and all shirts are on. Snoozer whines about Emily (OMG get over it, man) and assures Harrison that this is the Hardest Thing He’s Ever Done. Too bad the hardest thing you ever did wasn’t in the Fantasy Suite, Sean. YEAH I SAID IT. Great. The chicks have left him video messages. Thankfully we go directly to…
Commercials! I would watch Ewan McGregor read the phone book. Such is my love.
Snoozer stares vacantly at the chicks’ pictures. He’s conflicted! Let’s go to the videotape! On the other hand, let’s not. They’re all cheesy and stupid. Harrison dashes in from a reuben and seven tequila shooters at craft services and offers his arm to the entering ladies. My mom doesn’t realize that I’m 10 minutes behind her in watching and keeps yelling about the ending. Good lordo. I am sparing all of you these inane video messages because my cats have already gotten in the shower. They look very cute in their wee shower caps, though.
Commercials. The Dancing With The Stars cast will be revealed soon, to the delight of exactly no one.
Snoozer is depressed because it’s raining and he has to dump someone. Someone call the wahm-bulance. The monkeys in Thailand text me to say that Harrison looks extra dapper tonight. He does, my monkey friends, he does. Here comes the idiot. He yammers endlessly and OH MY GOD GET ON WITH IT. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? He’s whining about Emily sending him home AGAIN? Get some therapy, dude. (My mom: “He’s such a dick”) First rose: Lindsay. Second and last rose: WHOA! AshLee’s boobs are EVERYWHERE. Okay. Rose. And it’s Catherine! AshLee and her boobs and abandonment issues are going home!!! Wow, I really didn’t see that coming. She stomps out to the unmarked van as Sean begs her to forgive him and she is having NONE OF IT. This is awesome. Punch him in his stupid face!!!! She takes the high road and does NOT punch him in his stupid face, which is what I would have done, and rides away in the unmarked van, bitchface firmly planted on. You go on with yo bad self, AshLee!!!! Don’t cry, honey, just send him your therapy bills.
Next week, we have the Cooters Tell All. Everyone cries. Except you. And me. Because these people are ridiculous. See you there!!!
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About Danielle Vintschger
