“HOOORRRRRKKK”
Marilyn Manson was performing in Calgary Wednesday night when he vomited several times during the song “Beautiful People.” The fans initially didn’t think anything seemed amiss until Manson finally collapsed and was helped offstage.
Sources close to Manson confirmed last night that he was fine and went back to his hotel from the show to rest and recover from what they described as the flu.
Manson’s symptoms actually sound like the dreaded norovirus, which is infamous for serving its victims 24 to 48 hours of vomiting and diarrhea, aka The Bazooka Effect. Sufferers are also prone to pathetic pleas for mercy and delirious conversations with the toilet, who is now your closest and only friend. This year’s strain of norovirus has been particularly strong, hearty, and airborne and is just basically the hugest asshole ever.
Anyway, Manson plans to continue with his Calgary performance scheduled for tonight. To help him get up to where he needs to be, I would like to offer some of my maternal remedies for dealing with this most awful bug.
Human Skull Barf Receptacle
Normally, I would just provide a bucket, but this is for Marilyn Manson, who requires something a little more macabre. A human skull would be just the thing to catch his stomach contents. Of course, we’ll have to figure out how to work around all of those eyeholes and whatnot. Perhaps just saw off the top?
Or perhaps we can rustle up some monkey brain shells.
Broom for Comforting
During my tenure as a mom I have become a little bit better in a gastric crisis, but I am still the biggest wuss when it comes to vomit. If I see it, hear it, or smell it, I am likely to contribute even if I’m not actually afflicted with whatever illness is in play. Comforting my son in his time of need has required me to hold my nose and stand as far away from him as possible while still maintaining some level of contact. When I finally started watching 30 Rock 6 or 7 years late, I was stunned by Jack Donaghy’s brilliant method of dealing with the infirmed.
Ginger Ale Suppository
I saw Nine Inch Nails perform in 1995 and this weird little group named Marilyn Manson was the opening act. At the end of the show, Manson was entirely nude and before exiting the stage he stuck a bottle up his, um, his…well…his butthole. It is, of course, one of the clearest memories that I have from my adolescence and will most certainly show up in my life-flashing-before-my-eyes montage right before I die. I can’t wait. Since ginger ale is just the best for stomach issues, it seems like a suppository of the stuff would be the perfect medicine.
Santa knows what’s up.
His Own Breastmilk
Moms know that the best medicine for a sick baby is breastmilk. Since Manson has been keen on his own udders in the past, perhaps he could hook himself up for a speedier recovery.
Antibodies, Anti-Christ?
Get well soon, Marilyn Manson!
Read more: Marilyn Manson Considers Fatherhood, Reality TV Producers Across The Nation Begin To Salivate
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About Kelly Delaney
