“The ordinary man is involved in action, the hero acts. An immense difference.” - Henry Miller
“I knew I had to solve the problem. I had to find a way out of this.” – Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger on heroically landing a plane on the Hudson River, saving everyone aboard.
“So I’m straight outta Dogtown…I was in the passenger side of this fucker’s car…and I’m just, like, SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! with my hatchet!” – Kai. Just Kai.
“Just Kai” is the internet‘s favorite unlikely celebrity, thanks to some quick-thinking heroism that ended in him saving a woman who was being attacked in a Fresno parking lot by an unstable man who was ranting about race wars, rape, and being Jesus. Trust me on this: once you hear from Kai – a hitchhiker who saved a stranger with his trusty hatchet, like you do – you will be all the more impressed that he could manage to do anything quickly, much less think.
Picture it: a 54-year-old nutjob (assailant Jeff McBride Simmons) rams into a Pacific Gas and Electric Worker (Rayshawn Neely, 37) and traps him between two vehicles. A nurse runs to help the trapped victim and gets snatched up by the assailant. She does not relax when he tells her he’s Jesus. She likely also does not relax when she sees that the only person around to help is Kai, a Pauly Shore impersonator who is wielding a sharp object.
But it is Kai who helps, clubbing Simmons into submission. Amazing. But not as amazing as Kai’s hapless, hopeless, circuitous re-telling of the story, filled to the brim with non sequitir and wisdom alike. Just goes to show: just because you wouldn’t want him to babysit, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t want him on your side in a hatchet fight with Jesus. The nurse and the utility worker are alive. The assailant is in custody and, hopefully, will get some much-needed help.
Now, if you have time, don’t mind the occasional “muthaeffa,” and are tired of sensible, clear, sequential narrative, you really must hear Kai tell this story. To say he unravels the tale doesn’t even do it justice. The first 30 seconds tells you everything you need to know about Just Kai: mere minutes after SAVING A WOMAN’S LIFE WITH A HATCHET a reporter asks him if he wants to talk and Kai asks, “What do you want to talk about?”
Oh, I don’t know. Do you think Silver Linings Playbook is overrated? Should the Niners have gotten that holding call Sunday night? Oh and have you ever raced across a parking lot to club Jesus with the blunt end of a hatchet? And why do you have a hatchet?
Seriously: this is five minutes of awesome well-spent (though be warned, it’s quite NSFW due to Kai’s, umm, way with the English language):
If you can find it amidst the clear evidence that Kai missed the day they taught adjectives, the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker is a font of wisdom:
- When someone asks your age, “I can’t call it.” is always the right answer.
- “No matter what you’ve done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you’re lovable.” (Unless you run over people for the color of their skin and try to throttle nurses. But my guess is that Kai was talking to Daddy Kai with that soundbyte.)
- And never forget: like Kai and Woody Allen always say, that most of life is about showing up. ”People say don’t hitchhike…at least I was there.”
Truth. Straight outta Dogtown.