Welcome to The Bachelor! If you haven’t heard already, last night’s episode was Part I of a two-night-long crapfest of Sean Lowe (The Snooze) looking the fool and the skeezes acting the fool in Montana, so that means FOUR HOURS of The Bachelor this week. Lawd help me. So let’s get started, so maybe I can sleep again by Wednesday night. Join me, won’t you?
Last week, Tierra officially became Dead Shark Eyes 2.0, and we had yet another massive head wound thanks to roller derby. Amanda, she of the broken face, decided to milk the sympathy card as hard as she could, failed spectacularly and was sent home. Let’s get started.
Tonight, we go to Montana, and let’s hope someone gets eaten by a bear. There seem to be a lot of them. Tierra goes even crazier. The other chicks decide to tell The Snooze Tierra’s batshit. Chris Harrison tells us there’s a group date, a one-on-one, and the dreaded two-on one. And we’re going on a trip, so everyone pack your bags!
Montana is beautiful. I’m not what you’d call “outdoorsy” but the scenery is lovely. Daniella is already calling the Snooze her boyfriend. Ahhh, sweet delusion. Date card, Lindsay gets the one on one and shrieks. And it’s a helicopter! Drink! Remember how Lindsay wore a freaking wedding dress the first night? The Snooze, he looooooooooooves The Crazy. They take the helicopter on a tour of a park and have a picnic. Much blathering and tongue hockey ensue.
Commercials! The people at H&R Block are practically quivering about how much they love doing taxes. I love pudding.
Drinking by the fire. Lindsay was an Army brat. They make out and the enormous moose head mounted on the wall vomits on them. Back at the Cabin of Crazy, we get another date card. Everyone but Tierra and Jackie are going. Tierra gloats and laughs at everyone. Back on the date, all moose vomit has been cleaned up and Lindsay gets the rose. Some chick singer is playing a concert and they go. So what have we learned here? Wear a wedding dress to greet The Bachelor and you get roses galore. OH SEAN.
Commercials! Apparently there was a Sportsball event last night? Some dude is, naturally, going to Disneyworld. Like you do when you win Sportsball.
We’re back and there are goats! We’re going to do a relay race. Carry hay, saw a log, and milk a goat. HARRISON gleefully says someone will have to drink the goat’s milk. I vomit extravagantly on the cats. Oh goddo, that’s SO NASTY. They run off as I heave. First they have to row a canoe and NO ONE can do it. I’m an excellent rower. It’s a hidden talent. The more you know! *RAINBOW* On to the hay, and all the bales are falling apart. On to the sawing logs and milking goats. These poor goats, dude. Someone call PETA. The Red Team wins, and Desiree chugs the milk. I can’t even look. The Blue Team gets chucked into the van back to the house, and the Red Team trot off with The Snooze.
Commercials! No. NO. Not another Nicholas Sparks movie. Please no. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
The winning team goes off to a bar with The Snooze. He drops “JOURNEY” so drink your drink, woohoo! Back at the house, the losing team gets to go back to the date. The winning team is going to be THRILLED about THAT. Maybe there will be a big fight! That would be awesome. My girl Robyn puts her best bitchface on, and The Snooze pulls Sarah With One Arm away for some time. Tierra’s outside writing in her Diary of Cray, and whines. She decides to sneak off to ambush him. Whee!
So now both teams are at the bar and no one is happy. Here comes Tierra. She sneaks in as The Snooze is interviewing, and we dramatically go to
COMMERCIALS. Oh no. NO. I forgot about these horrible “I’m going to propose on a Jared diamonds” commercials. It’s as horrible as you would expect, and the cats flee as I dry heave.
She claps her hands over The Snooze’s eyes and he’s shocked but “happy” and she drags him off. She’s pissed about getting the 2-1. She wants him to follow his heart and…drink. He manages to not call the cops on her, because he’s an IDIOT. He goes back to the chicks. Desiree gets a couple seconds, and AshLee swoops in. She has a “soul connection.” Driiiiiiiiiiiiiiink. They make out noisily.
Back at the house, date card. Tierra and Jackie. Two women, one rose, one stays, one goes. It’s like fucking Shakespeare, y’all.
Snooze and Catherine sneak off. They’re schmoopy as hell. Daniella catches them and cries. He takes her out and she weeps and whines. The Snooze talks a good game to her, and they make out very loudly. She gets the rose, and my girl Robyn is PISSED.
Commercials! What’s the best part of an Oreo? The part that’s IN MY BELLY.
Time for the 2-1. Tierra is still gloating about sneaking over to the group date. The Snooze is wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater. They go horseback riding, Jackie knows the deal, and she’s getting more paranoid by the second, so she decides to rat Tierra out. So she does, and they make out.
It’s an IM from my mom! “Tattle tale, you lose!!!!” She is…not wrong.
Time for dinner and the rose! I think we all know where this is going. The Snooze is shitting his pants with nervousness, but we ALL know he’s going to pick Tierra. Because he’s an IDIOT. Tierra whines that she “has the biggest heart.” Right, in a jar on her desk. She talks about a dead boyfriend, and I think she probably got that story out of a Nicholas Sparks book. The Snore OF COURSE picks Tierra. Of COURSE he does. Jackie, before she’s chucked in the unmarked van, warns The Snooze not to get hurt. Tierra cackles maniacally inside.
Commercials! Every kiss begins with Kay. So does “Keel over and die”
Time for the cocktail party and FINALLY the rose ceremony. The Snooze says he’s emotional. Right. He has many feels. So do I, but I don’t think they’re the same feels. Desiree is still pissed off. I kind of love her. She says he’s unpredictable. No, honey, he’s a moron. There’s a difference. There is so much taxidermy in this house. So creepster. Someone mentions that Jackie was the sweetest person in the house, and Tierra stomps off in a psychotic rage. My girl Robyn calls Tierra crazy AGAIN, and decides to do something about it, Bad Girls Club style. YEAH!!!! She confronts Tierra on being two different people when the cameras are on. Tierra says she can get engaged whenever and wherever she wants. WOW. Good to say on a dating show, moron.
Commercials! Okay, “Live Free Or Die Hard?” I would never pay 12 bucks for it, but it looks fun. Yippee Ki Ai!
Just as Tierra is losing it completely, The Snooze walks by. He takes her away to make all three of his brain cells do some serious work, and she whines and moans about how she’s suuuuuuuuch a nice girl and doesn’t deserve this. Gag. HARRISON is here!!! He drags The Snooze away so the bitches can maybe go seriously violent, and wouldn’t THAT be awesome.
Commercials! Hot men in Calvin Klein underpants. Well you can’t argue with that.
Rose Ceremony!!!! HARRISON has a one on one with The Snooze. He’s as conflicted as a person like he is can be. Snooze is still defending Tierra. Lordo. My mom IMs me to remind y’all that “emotional rollercoaster” was dropped and everyone should drink heavily. Here we FINALLY GO. Sean drops “journey” AGAIN. You know what to do. Yes you do.
Commercials. WILL THIS EVER END? Aw, puppies in a car commercial. PUPPIES!!!!
ROSES. Sean SAD. Sean CONFLICTED. Oh get to it already. First rose. Selma. Catherine. Leslie. AshLee. Sarah. Last rose. HARRISON swoops in from a MaiTai and trail mix at craft services. It’s Desiree. That means my girl Robyn is out and that SUCKS. The Snooze walks her out and puts her in the unmarked van. Robyn is wicked pissed, as she should be. Bye, Robyn! You deserve better than this!!!!
Tomorrow! Ice baths! More fighting! And someone ELSE goes to the hospital!!! And Tierra continues to be batshit insane! In less than 24 hours. ERMAGERD. See you then!
Read More: The Bachelor Recaps