The Bachelor is back again this week whether we want it to or not. Last night, Sean Lowe (The Snooze) and the skanks toddled off to Canada, The Snooze ditched someone before the rose ceremony, and Tierra got carted off to the hospital (drink!), only to come back cackling and more evil than ever.
Alberta! The Snooze is not happy after Montana. Chris Harrison welcomes the “ladies” and says not to bother unpacking this week. Everyone waxes non-poetic about the drama of last time. Time for the first 1-1, and it goes to Catherine. She waits for The Snooze in a frozen wasteland. A huge bus shows up and The Snooze rescues her from the blizzard to go to…a glacier! Sounds…fun? They frolic in the snow and make out.
Commercials! Am I a candidate for the next Bachelor season? Absolutely not, but thanks for asking, Harrison.
Catherine blathers about how she’s falling in luuuuuuuuurve. They go on a horse-drawn carriage to an ice castle. They snuggle. The next date card comes to the “ladies” and Daniella STILL doesn’t get the 1-1. She cries. We don’t really care. Back on the date, Catherine says her life has been vair vair serious, that being that at summer camp, a friend of her was killed. It taught her how important life is. This obviously gets her the rose. They make out.
Commercials! Mirilax helps you poo. So does this show.
On the lake, we’re back on canoes. Of course, no one can row. It’s two to a canoe (that rhymed!) and Leslie jumps into Sean’s boat, where she totally gives up on rowing. Selma hopes a shark eats their boat. Don’t we all, Selma, don’t we all. On the shore, it’s time for the Polar Bear Plunge, which means going in to the freezing water in swimsuits. The EMT on call chatters about hypothermia and we all know where this is going, don’t we?
Commercials! Are computer tablets really all that rad? Maybe I’m just jealous that I don’t have one.
The Snooze is SO stoked about maybe causing bodily harm to the chicks. Selma’s like “AW HELLS TO THE NAW” and although Sean pushes her way too much, she’s like “NOPE, HAVE FUN.” Good for you, Selma. Sean throws his shirt off, of course, and everyone else screams as they run into the water. Everyone lies that it was awesome as they sit on the shore shivering to death. AAAAAND then there’s Tierra. She’s flailing and screaming and and her lips are blue. This is bullshit. The EMTs cart her off. I’m calling bullshit.
Commercials! Man, Heidi Klum and Christy Turlington DO NOT AGE. There’s witchcraft afoot.
Big dramatic footage of Tierra getting dragged away. They do not bring her to the hospital, but the hotel instead, and give her what, hot water? Coffee? A hot toddy? She cries as the other girls skip back in, woo-ing and laughing about how awesome that just was. NO ONE is buying her story. The Snooze, being the sucker he is, climbs in bed with her, and dudes, she’s FINE. What a psychotic wench.
Commercials! I’m not a mom, but isn’t stealing your kid’s chicken nuggets a major part of being a parent?
The other girls from the group date are all “too bad, so sad, off to the cocktail party.” Leslie is getting bitchier by the moment, and I kind of love it. Sarah shows The Snooze some pics of her as a kid, and it’s cute. Desiree gets a 1-1, and Tierra, who has had a MIRACULOUS recovery, gets dressed and is (SHOCKER) going to crash the party. When she shows up, all the other girls are all “OH SHIT” but The Snooze, being the braintrust that he is, is thrilled. Lindsay grabs him away (good for you, Linds) but? BUT? LESLIE GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!! Woohoo!!!!! Tierra’s Manson Lamps are out of control.
Commercials! Absolutely none of them are worth snarking on. Let’s move on.
The Snooze has decided that Sarah has to go. This is sad. He blathers about nothing, and then sends her to the unmarked van. What a bummer. You’re an idiot, Sean. Sarah cries, and blames herself. Don’t do that, Sarah! You deserve better!!!!
Time for Desiree’s date. At Bamff National Park, which is gorgeous, they’re going to have a picnic. But first they have to rappel 400 feet down a mountain. Like you do. Desiree freaks out, but does it anyway, making some goofy analogy about how going down the mountain is like being in a relationship. They climb a tree together and it’s actually pretty cute. A moose is unimpressed.
Commercials! Oh Jamaica. Take me away, I am SO sick of being cold all the time.
Back on the date, Sean is wearing the goofiest sweater ever. They (no, seriously) have dinner in a teepee. Desiree opens up about her childhood, which wasn’t exactly easy, and of course she gets the rose.
And there was much rejoicing, because it’s time for the cocktail party. The Snooze isn’t all gloom and doom like he was last time, and takes Selma away to make up for not doing the polar bear plunge by going against her cultural standings and smooching on him. He then grabs Lindsay, and she declares that she’s TOTES not kissing him, so she flirts shamelessly instead. Aaaaaaaand then she kisses him anyway. Well that was stupid. AshLee is next, and she declares jumping in the lake was the stupidest thing she’s ever done. Word. Then, and I swear to goddo I am not making this up, she pulls out a blindfold. Sean sports serious wood, and puts it on her as she cries about her crap childhood in an interview. He carries her off, and dudes, he is SO getting off on this. They make out. KINKY.
Commercials! Local news ad. And as usual, everything in the world is very, very grim.
TIME FOR ROSES! Two people are going tonight. Woohoo! HARRISON congratulates them for not being as insane as they were in Montana. Enter The Snooze. Making decisions is haaaaaaaaard. First rose: Lindsay. AshLee. In swoops Harrison. Final rose? Tierra. OF COURSE. Ugh. That means Selma and Daniella are toast. Aren’t you glad Selma went against her parents and her culture to kiss him? I’m sure SHE is. Selma is pissed and heartbroken, especially since he picked Tierra instead. Daniella is shocked, but we are not, since he totally ignored her this week. They get tossed into the unmarked van and we move on to scenes from next week, which aaaaaaaaaare…
St. Croix! Everyone makes out with Sean. Everyone hates Tierra, and she cries hysterically, of course. See you then!
Read More: The Bachelor Recaps