Welcome back to The Bachelor! Last week we all barely survived two back to back episodes, and Tierra “barely survived” a polar bear plunge, which wasn’t a stunt at ALL Y’ALL, she was totally sincerely a little chilly. Anyway, we’re out of the wilds of Canada and on to the beaches of St.Croix, where I’m sure everyone will play nice and decorum will rule. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Let’s get started!
I need a better prescription plan.
Seaplane. We all zip in, Sean Lowe, aka “The Snooze” drops “journey” immediately, so it’s going to be a long night of drinking, and everyone’s just happy to be freaking warm again. AshLee blathers, and Tierra decides on a cot and some private space instead of a lovely posh bed because she hates everyone and thrives on passive aggressiveness. All the other girls are pleased she’s out of the way because she could kill at any minute. AshLee gets the first date card. Tierra is, of course, batshit, and calls AshLee old (she’s 32! The horror!) and says there’s something wrong with AshLee because she’s OLD and isn’t married yet. I vomit on a cat, who was just innocently trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle of an ocean front.
AshLee and The Snooze take a dive into the gorgeous water as AshLee waxes about being abandoned as a kid. Uh oh. You’re opening up too much, honey. Please be careful. Into the water they go, ocean beasts are GALORE, but they don’t seem to care about this. The other girls discuss Tierra’s passive aggressive cot-sleeping.
Y’all, my mom is blowing up my IM. Let’s see what she has to say: “Does abandonment make a prerequisite for this show?” Could be, mom. Could be. Anyway, AshLee and The Snooze make out in the surf after she warns him YET AGAIN about Tierra. She’s pretty cool about it, so he doesn’t freak out too badly.
Commercials! I know exactly nothing about jewelry that doesn’t go in ill-advised piercings, but chocolate diamonds are not pretty. Good thing I don’t have one for my belly button or nose, right?!
Tierra gets the next date. She’s IMMEDIATELY whining that it’ll be hot and her makeup will drip and Lesley sighs “I hate that bitch.” WORD, LESLEY. Back on the date, AshLee and The Snooze have a picnic on the beach and AshLee needs to drop a bomb before home visits. Here it goes. 15 years ago when she was in high school, she got married. At 17. Broke up before high school was over. Wait, no kid? No kid. The Snooze assures her she’s not broken, and not to stress it. Good for you, Sean! I’ll even call you by your real name for that one. So she made a mistake as a dumb kid! No one got hurt? There are no children involved? No abuse? NON-ISSUE. She shrieks that she loves him, which is goofy and a little weird, but the Snooze rolls with it. FOR NOW.
Commercials! Nicholas Sparks makes me want to dig an underground bunker and hide forever.
Next day, it’s Tierra Time. The Snooze needs to buy a clue, and he says as much. She whines, and they drink. Always a good start. They buy tourist trap shit, just in time for an insane parade to come partying down the street. Back at the house, AshLee tells the other chicks about her convo with The Snooze about Tierra. Lesley hopes their one on one will seal Tierra’s coffin. On the date, he asks how things are going, and Tierra plays the victim hardcore, blatantly lying more than anything else. She’s out for blood.
Do you have a bunny? Do you have a big pot and an active stove?
Commercials! Oh, it’s an IM from my mom: “You know what would look good on Tierra? Bus tire treads.” Take a bow, mom.
Dinner time on the date. Tierra feels distant from Sean. Um, maybe because you’re a sociopath and are incapable of feelings? The Snooze is, as always, all “Duh?” The date card comes for the rest of the ladies except Lesley, who gets the final one on one. She says she doesn’t care where they go, she’s pumped. The editors slam us back on the date for another “journey” so guzzle your grain alcohol, and Tierra says she’s falling in love. Don’t fall for it, Snoozer!!! But alas he does, because he is very very very stupid.
Commercials! Thank the lordo Valentine’s Day is on Thursday, because I cannot take these stupid jewelry ads any longer. CANNOT DO IT.
Group date day, only one rose. at 4:42 AM, Snoozer busts into the girls’ bedroom to see them in all their glory. Also he’s wielding a camera. I would kill him on sight. Some asshole busting into my bedroom in the dead of night with a Poloroid and a camera crew? I’d get so Jersey on their asses they’d never see it coming. Anyway. They’re going from one side of the island to the other in one day. First, time to watch the sunrise from the easternmost point. Okay, fine, it’s beautiful. I’d still beat him into a fine powder if he did that to me, though. Good thing they’re already drinking. They drive east to west throughout the day, seeing the sights, and everyone is obsessing over hometown visits next week. They make a stop at an INSANE treehouse, and as a lifelong fan of “Swiss Family Robinson” I have a major soft spot for elaborate tree houses. Everyone is vying for time, and it seems Desiree is in the lead. Back at the hotel, Lesley gets her date card. She has too much snark for this stupid show. I worry.
Rose, rose, whoever shall get the rose? They make it to the westernmost point, and frolic in the ocean. Sadly, no gigantic ocean beasts are nibbling at their feet. The sharks are all “Y’all, I don’t want chlamydia.”
Commercials! My car might be an old piece of crap Kia, but at least it’s not a dippy eensey weensey smartcar that looks like a rejected Matchbox toy. There’s always that.
Y’all, do not drink whenever they mention how nervous they are about hometown dates. YOU WILL DIE. Anyway, back on the beach, there are birds that will peck the SHIT out of you. The Snooze and Catherine chat. She has to talk about her dad. He lives in China and he’s very troubled. He tried to kill himself in front of Catherine and her sisters. Whoa. That’s not funny at all. Snoozer is a little stunned, as he should be. That’s a pretty heavy story. Back at the hotel, Tierra eavesdrops on a conversation between Lesley and AshLee and the Manson Lamps start to simmer. Dun dun dun!! Thankfully we go back to the beach, and Desiree, who looks so much like Katie Holmes it is eerie, is really excited to bring Snoozer home to her family. Finally, FINALLY, it’s time for the rose. And after some yakking and blathering, it goes to…Lindsay! The crazy girl who wore the wedding dress is definitely getting a hometown date. Dang. They go to watch the sunset, but the weather has other plans. No one cares. Awwwwwwwwwwww.
Commercials! “We all speak Bacon.” Amen, Oscar Meyer. Amen.
Time for Lesley’s one on one. Snoozer is hesitant. She’s already gone, man. Just save us the time. They go to pick fruit. No, seriously, they do. She’s all googoo for him and man, this is going to be painful. He leads her on, and it’s just not fair. She drops that she’s hot as hell for him and he smiles vacantly. Oh lordo. Snooze blathers that she has no passion, and JUST DUMP HER ALREADY OMG. They make out chastely. This is getting very awkward and painful. Thank the lordo for…
Method acting only gets you so far, crazypants.
COMMERCIALS! “Escape From Planet Earth” looks cute, but could there be a little more product placement in that ad? Seriously? Shameless.
Snoozer’s sister Shay appears on the beach to give some clarity about what’s going on. She basically tells him to suck it the fuck up and to get real. I like Shay. She says that the family is scared he’ll pick a psychotic twat (Tierra) and speaking of, back at the apartment, she’s in full crazypants mode, goading the other girls into a fight. She blames them for her date not being perfect. AshLee ain’t playin’. They start yelling at each other. She throws AshLee’s age in her face again. Let’s bring this to the other girls! AshLee has had enough, and Tierra is denying everything. It’s not her fault she gives the eyebrow! She’s had Botox! At 24? And you’re giving AshLee shit about being 32? Awesome. Here comes Sean to introduce Tierra to his sister, and everyone is screaming. Awesome. AWESOME. Someone give Shay her own show.
Commercials! IM from my mom: “Meow Meow, kitty cat is under the bus!!!” It’s all in the genes, folks.
Yelling! Flailing! Enter Snoozer. Tierra’s in hysterics, but of course he missed her psycho freakout. She plays the victim card over and over and it’s making me dry heave all over the cats, who are trying to play poker, and blames AshLee for everything. This is going to work for her and it makes me very very angry. Note there are NO tears, NO swollen eyes, NO snot, nothing. Did Tierra attend the Actor’s Studio? Why isn’t Sean listening to his very very wise sister? She said if a girl doesn’t get along with ANYONE, there must be a problem. This is wise. So of course he won’t listen. I have a brother. I know these things.
Commercials! More snow. Wonderful. Hope all y’all in southern climates are enjoying life right now.
Sean’s made a decision! And that decision is…TIERRA’S GETTING DUMPED, Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!! And really, it’s the only thing to do. She’s a lunatic, and mean, and possibly evil, and Snoozer’s extremely wise and awesome sister was all “LOSE THE LOON, DUDE” and the little moron did it!!!! Well done, Snoozer. I’ll bake a celebratory cake for you and your three brain cells. And buy a case of wine and a fruit basket for your awesome sister. Tierra, obviously, has a complete and total nervous breakdown in the unmarked van. Sean’s sister high-fives herself, as Tierra says no one will “take her sparkle away.” OH DRINK YOUR DRINK. Bye bye, Tierra, psych meds are doing wonders these days. Don’t boil any bunnies.
Commercials! Babylandia? Stop it. I want to believe in Babylandia.
Rose Ceremony!!!! Everyone is speculating about what happened to Tierra. Here comes Sean to tell everyone Tierra is gone. All the girls pretend not to be elated. He says he’s had some clarity. Amazing for someone who has the IQ of a cantaloupe. No cocktail party, just roses. Things are gonna get ugly up in here, folks. Everyone is freaking out. HARRISON MY LOVE!!! He sets everyone up for this rilly beeg rose ceremony. Three roses, and then family visits. AshLee is already crying. First rose: Desiree. Catherine. Final rose, sayeth Harrison, with powdered sugar (or cocaine, who can tell) still on his mouth. AshLee. Well that wasn’t a surprise. Lesley was doomed from the beginning. She gets led to the unmarked van. Catherine’s really upset about Lesley leaving. Lesley leaves with her head held high. Good on you, girl. You were too smart for this show anyway.
Next week! Family visits! And there might be a FIST FIGHT!!!! Join me, won’t you????
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About Danielle Vintschger
