ANOTHER two night Bachelor “event” begins, because ABC wants me to go back to the lunatic asylum. YOU WANT TO PAY MY MEDICAL BILLS, ABC?!?!?
Anyway, we’re back with Sean “The Snooze” Lowe and his band of skeezers. And it’s finally time for home visits! There’s no possible way this could go poorly!
We open with Texas and “JOURNEY” from AshLee and her tiny dog, so drink your drink. Snoozer is very excited to meet AshLee’s family, which includes a dad who’s a pastor. Hey, so is Snoozer’s! Life changing moment. DRINK. He’s going to protect her heart. OMG DRINK.
Public Service Announcement: Please do not listen to these chicks. Just don’t. And seriously, do NOT drink. We’re seven minutes in and you might have to go to the hospital already.
Time to meet AshLee’s fam. Deep. Involved. Invested. Heart and soul. DO NOT DRINK, PEOPLE. AshLee’s dad is scary looking. Seriously, he’s ready to pounce. Ash’s mom is not playing. Snoozer is shitting his pants over Ash’s mom’s no bullshit rule. I love AshLee’s mom. Here comes Dad. He warns the Snooze that they don’t fuck around in Dallas. Dad doesn’t think kindly of AshLee’s teen marriage. This is not to say he wants The Snoozer as a son in law. He’s very polite about it though. He tells a heartbreaking story about meeting AshLee as a foster child and chokes up. There are no jokes to be told. I suddenly miss Tierra.
Sweet sweet commercials. Hell with it, I’m going for a cigarette. That whole Dad thing kinda broke me. In other news, buy a mattress.
Seattle! It’s time for Catherine. Fish throwing, because that’s not cliche at ALL. My mom, being far kinder than I am, calls The Snooze a good sport. They’re goofy together, which is sweet. She warns him that her family is a leeeeeeeeeeetle bit scary. We’ll have to see after…
Commercials! Those of you who know me know that I have never, ever eaten at Wendy’s. This has not changed.
Catherine’s granny is ADORABLE. Her sisters, however, are not playing AT ALL. They grill her, and think she’s way too serious about “falling in love” on a freaking television game show. The sisters, who I really love, go on to grill The Snooze. They are NOT messing around. She’s moody. She’s messy. Sean flees to Catherine’s mom, who isn’t fucking about either. She says there are three other “ladies” around, so maybe he should deal with that. The Snooze is completely panicked. Catherine is in love. Nothing good will come of this.
Commercials! Advil will cure your ills. Except the pain this show gives me. Nothing non-narcotic can help this pain.
Lindsay time! Her dad is a two-star General. The Snooze is already crapping himself, as well he should be. They go antiquing (THRILLS GALORE) and she drops “small town” about forty times. Snoozer blathers about Lindsay being “the one” just like he did with everyone else, and I barf on a cat, who was innocently playing solitaire. Lindsay (rather adorably) pushes the Snooze through an Army workout, which freaks him out about her dad even more. I’m really enjoying his discomfort.
Commercials! Y’all, Color Tattoo eyeshadow is SO RAD. No one paid me to say that. It’s seriously that awesome.
Time to meet the General. Everyone hugs, except Daddoo, who remains stoic. Lindsay re-tells the wedding dress story, and The Snooze tells Mama that he’s not up for saying “I love you” to anyone, because HE’S ON A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW. The General doesn’t want to mess around. The Snooze asks for the General’s blessing, and he all “Um, NO. But if Lindsay wants it, then okay. But seriously? NO.” This gives Snoozer a boner. Let’s give him a round of applause, as this is only the third one he’s had in his life.
We get another episode tomorrow. Bad news is: We get another episode tomorrow. Good news is? It’s only one hour, plus? TIERRA!!!!!
Time for Desiree! We’re in LA, and they’re going hiking because Desiree is REAL, PEOPLE. I vomit on all three cats as they are playing dominoes. OMG DESIREE’S EX BOYFRIEND SHOWS UP. They freak. Hands are put on people. I pop some corn and start bouncing up and down. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!
Oh dammit. Commericals. My mom IMs me to let me know she’s as pumped as I am about the fisticuffs.
OH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? Desiree doesn’t have an ex boyfriend. He was an actor. She was just pulling a prank. BUT!!! Desiree’s brother is kind of a prick, so we might have something going here. Her parents are super sweet though. The brother starts some shit. He’s definitely drunk. He says everything about this is stupid (word) and it isn’t going to work. He pulls the Snoozer aside to talk.
Tomorrow night, Sean tells all, and we all pass out from boredom.
BrotherDesiree drags The Snooze away and bro’s him. He is SO drunk. Bro is very protective of his sister, and thinks Sean is completely full of shit. He laughs in The Snooze’s face and calls him a playboy and that he’ll never trust him. Desiree begs her brother too stop being a dick. Everyone awkwardly talks about the weather and The Snooze flees. BrotherDesiree laughs drunkenly.
Commercials! The day I eat fish from a fast food restaurant will be so cold in hell Tierra will need more medics.
Hey look, Sean’s shirtless! DRANK. He blathers about how he has no idea what to do. Thankfully HARRISON swoops in from a Long Island Iced Tea and a Boston Creme donut to get the deets. Desiree’s brother sucks. Catherine is too strong for Sean’s idiot self. The Snooze. He is confused.
FINALLY WE HAVE ROSES. Sean blathers idiotically but will “follow his heart” and I vomit extravagantly on the cats’ chess game. Desiree interrupts to wail about her asshole brother. AND ON WE GO. AshLee. Lindsay. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!!! Nope! We get no final rose! Harrison is stunned, as he was knee deep in a cruller and a gin and tonic at craft services. He’s pissed. Make a decision, Snoozer. Cut the shit.
Commercials. Tomorrow’s episode is only an hour. There IS a god.
Snoozer can’t decide between Desiree and Catherine. CHOOSE CATHERINE YOU DOLT. Here comes the rose, and it goes to CATHERINE. Wow, all three of Sean’s brain cells worked together!!!! Desiree gets tossed into the unmarked van, wailing that he made a mistake. He says he’s been praying about it. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. They yammer and no one cares. Toss her into the van, I want to go to bed. She gets shoved into the van and Snoozer pretends to have emotions. Thank your asshole brother, Desiree!!!! And tell him to consider an AA meeting!
Tomorrow!!!! (Tomorrow? Oh someone kill me) Never seen footage! Sean tells all! We all pass out into comas!!!!! Join me!!!!
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