Do we really have to do this? Apparently we do. Sean Lowe, our most beloved Snoozer, is ready to TELL ALL. Whatever, we’re going to talk about Tierra and that really is the only thing that matters. Don’t fret, it’s only one hour.
SEAN TELLS ALL!!! It’s a very special edition, y’all. With never before seen footage! No one cares! But here’s HARRISON, and of course we love him, so we’re listening. Harrison drops “journey” right away, so drink. Oh man, they drop it two more times. CONSIDER AN AA MEETING. We revisit Desiree’s departure, and her drunk mean brother. Sean was not prepared for this asshole. He wanted to punch him. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME. Alas, Sean didn’t whack him. Would the brother issue had changed his mind? Nope. He would have dumped her anyway. Everyone cries, blah blah blah. Snoozer made his choice, and Desiree went to the unmarked van. MOVING ON.
Commercials! Dark circles under the eyes? Story of my life. Stop it with the double episodes, ABC!!!!
Oh Sarah With One Arm. She was so sweet. Never had a chance, but cute as a button. We revisit her story, and it’s kinds a bummer. Snoozer kissed her once and was like “nope” and she was a goner. You’re a shithead, Sean. Stop trying to talk your way out of this. Sarah cries and feels like a total loser. You deserve better, Sarah!!!!
Commercials! My mom IMs me to say Sarah deserves better. The cats are relieved that for once, they will not be vomited on. FOR NOW.
Harrison is berserk about Selma doing everything BUT kiss The Snooze. Of course she eventually did and he sent her home. Because he’s an asshole. Then there was Lesley. He dropped her too. Class act.
Commercials! Blah blah whatever, TIERRA IS NEXT!!!!
It’s time. IT’S TIME. Tierra’s exit. Sean loves his sister (as do we all) and walked into a lunatic asylum when Tierra went OUT on the other girls. She pretended to cry (no tears, no snot, no nothing) and the Snooze smacked all three brain cells together and sent her packing. YAY! The Snooze is vair vair proud of himself for FINALLY figuring out that Tierra was batshit approximately fifteen years after the audience did. Harrison, being THE MAN, basically laughs his ass off at how stupid Sean is.
Commercials! Someone bring me some KFC. I will pay you in cats.
Catherine! She’s a nerd. I love her so much. She passed Sean notes the whole time. They were incredibly dorky. FANTASY SUITES ARE HAPPENING next week and Harrison is bouncing up and down in anticipation. Sean, being a “born again virgin” is not. My mom falls apart laughing on IM. I follow suit.
OMG, is it over??? IT’S OVER!!!! See y’all next Monday!!!!
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