Donald Trump is a nationally syndicated relationship advice columnist whose column The Greatest Relationship Advice Column in the History of the World By Donald Trump, has appeared on this website four whole times. He has given unasked-for relationship advice to such celebrities as Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Tiger Woods, Jesse James and President Barack Obama, all of whom had their lives enriched immeasurably because of it. DONALD TRUMP!
Dear Bill Maher,
I am aware that I, Donald Trump, usually reserve this column space for the times I feel compelled to comment on celebrities’ romantic difficulties, based on my stellar credentials as a multiple-time divorcee and the host of the greatest and tallest and most successful reality show of all time, Celebrity Apprentice, which occasionally put me in the same room as some people who may or may not be considered celebrities on some plane of existence. Once you’ve fired people like Rob Blagojevich, Meat Loaf and La Toya Jackson, I think it’s safe to say that I’m more than qualified to tell Rihanna what’s what.
But in your case, Bill Maher, I’m hijacking my own relationship advice column to discuss non-relationship business with you. Mostly because 1) I’M DONALD TRUMP I DO WHAT I WANT, and 2) I’m concerned maybe you don’t follow me on Twitter and/or missed the 17 press releases I faxed to your office. (Do you even have a fax? I actually tried to call first and I swore you answered, but then the phone was all, “BRRRRRZZZZZZ WUH WUH RRRRRRZZZZZ.” I don’t know. Confused. Plz clarify. firstname.lastname@example.org.)
I want you to know, Bill Maher, that I (DONALD TRUMP) (*dramatic cobra hand*) am SUING YOU. Oh yes. OH YES OH YES. I had my lawyer file the whatzipapers all officality-like and everything, so you know I am v. v. srs about this.
Last month, Maher said on NBC to Jay Leno that he would pay $5 million to Trump’s charity of choice if he provided a birth certificate proving that he’s not “spawn of his mother having sex with orangutan.” It was similar to an offer Trump made to President Barack Obama during the presidential campaign season, in which Trump wanted Obama to release his college records.
Because I have an amazing sense of humor about myself, which is to say none at all, not even a little bit, I hereby testify before the seven or so people reading this column that I totes sent you my birth certificate and proved beyond a reasonable doubt that my father was not an orangutan. (As least not all the way.) (That we know of.) (Paternity-side genealogy is weird!) I also hereby invoke Playground Rule #193540, also known as I Win The Bet, Pay Up, You Loser.
Again, you might want to check to make sure your fax machine is working. (Maybe it needs more paper? Or toner? I don’t know much about technology. I transcribe my tweets using an antique gramo-mo-phone that I then send to the Donald Trump World Headquarters of Awesome via bike messenger — someone there makes sure they get broadcast out to the Intertubes.) But I totally for-real sent you my not-fake birth certificate awhile ago and you haven’t paid up that $5 million to my charity of choice.
Because that’s what this about, Bill Maher. It’s about the charities. It’s about the kids, and the hurricane victims, and the cancer. WHY WON’T YOU THINK ABOUT THE CANCER, BILL MAHER?
I have an OBLIGATION to sue you. This is totally not at all about me being an ape-haired, puff-faced discarded Swiffer wipe of a human being who thinks this stunt will bring me publicity and make people forget about my LAST stunt, that stupid “October Surprise” thing where I basically held $5 million in charity money hostage in order to make the elected president of our country dance a little Trump-y dance for me. This is not about me misunderstanding how “jokes” or “satire” work, or not working this out to its logical conclusion, which is that the lawsuit will be thrown out of court after a ton of wasted lawyer fees and time for our overburdened legal system.
I could just admit that I’m a be-wigged birther douchenozzle and give some money to the charities myself. But we all know that’s never going to happen, so here we are, Bill Maher. Here we are.
Send me money or UR FIRED,
P.S. NOPE, STILL NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TIME STEPHEN COLBERT OFFERED $1 MILLION TO CHARITY IF I LET HIM PUT HIS BALLS IN MY MOUTH. NOPE. NOPE NOPE. I DON’T DO “GAY” RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ANYWAY SO THERE.
P.P.S. I LOVE YOU DADBONER PLS FOLLOW BACK.
- The Greatest Relationship Advice Column in the History of the World By Donald Trump, Presidential Edition
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- The Greatest Relationship Advice Column in the History of the World By Donald Trump