If you’re anything like me, there’s an excellent chance that you won’t do anything unless you can verify that it’s been endorsed or made by a celebrity. The shows you watch, the clothes you put on your kids, the fragrances you put on to disguise your natural funk – if a celebrity was not involved in its creation, then I don’t want to hear about it. Food made by celebrities used to be hard to come by, that is until I finally came across my new favorite breakfast cereal…
Start every morning off with unrelenting tragedy!
Now I know what you’re thinking, “This is all well and good, but I’m currently sober and that’s a problem. Why can’t celebrities make things that get me drunk?!” Well worry no more, dear friends. Did you know there are a myriad of celebrities currently involved in the wine-making business? It’s true! Sure, most think that dumping a lot of your movie money into a vineyard is a good way to turn a profit all while embracing a whole mess of tax incentives, but those people are missing the point. When you become famous, you just inherently understand more about wine than the average person. Don’t believe me? Well let’s take a look at 10 celebrities, the celebrity wines that they make, and what your palate can expect while enjoying them.
ED NOTE: These are all real wines. Check the source links at the bottom of the post if you don’t believe us.
Dan Aykroyd
The Stay Puft vintage isn’t quite ready yet…
The Wine: Dan Aykroyd Wine (of course)
Pairs Well With: Red meat, wonky conspiracy theories about aliens
The Effect on Your Palate: When drinking a Dan Aykroyd Wine, the oaky notes will take one to a simpler time where comedies were perfect and we can all pretend that Nothing But Trouble never happened.
Kyle MacLachlan
If you’re under 30, you only know me as the mayor from Portlandia.
The Wine: Pursued by Bear (which is the greatest thing anything has ever been named)
Pairs Well With: Cherry Pie, whatever the hell that spice stuff from Dune was called
The Effect on Your Palate: A refined, complicated taste overwhelms you while being Pursued by Bear. Subtle earthen tones entrance your taste buds and you’ll be convinced that your hair will always look this good.
Fergie
I don’t know what’s more terrifying about this picture. The fact that Goldie Hawn looks like she might have a gun jammed in her ribs or the assassin that’s slowly creeping into the room.
The Wine: Ferguson Crest
Pairs Well With: Anything with lumps in it
The Effect on Your Palate: One taste of a Ferguson Crest vintage and be rest assured that your London Bridge shall fall down. All inhibition will leave your tasters palate as you enjoy a follow up glass that will undoubtedly be served in a shoe with a 48-inch heel.
Lil Jon
Enjoy a glass served by a sommeli-OKAYYYYY!
The Wine: Little Jonathan Wines (the full spelling of “little” and “Jonathan” will definitely fool you)
Pairs Well With: Anything that tastes good after being passed through a metal grate in your mouth
The Effect on Your Palate: After enjoying a glass of Little Jonathan Wine that has been served in a bling-encrusted goblet, one can’t help but enjoy the acidic delights one experiences as they discover that they’re just drinking Crunk juice that’s been mixed with alcohol and Welch’s grape juice.
Madonna
Like Madonna, these wines are not British, but will act like British wines accordingly.
The Wine: Madonna from Ciccone Vineyards
Pairs Well With: Pretension, foods that have expired
The Effect on Your Palate: The berry notes of Madonna wine will cause your taste buds to bounce like a weird guy on a slackrope. It’s a classic flavor that does not seem to age, even if you know exactly how old it is.
Antonio Banderas
Each bottle of Antonio Banderas Wine comes with a glass that has been personally romanced by me, Antonio Banderas.
The Wine: Antonio Banderas Wine (from the Dan Aykroyd school of wine-naming)
Pairs Well With: Romantic dinners, guitar cases
The Effect on Your Palate: Antonio Banderas Wine is not dissimilar to the fruity wines of Barcelona. One sip and you’ll be whisked away on a flavorful adventure of thick accents and adult situations.
Richard Gere
Try the Officer and a Gentlewine.
The Wine: Brunello Di Montalcino
Pairs Well With: Seafood, people who you wouldn’t think have hearts of gold, but completely have hearts of gold
The Effect on Your Palate: A complicated bouquet finds it way across your palate and you quietly contemplate if the really gross urban legend you heard about this wine is true or not. Sure, it’s crazy, but why would it be so wide spread? Why would so many people say something like that about this wine?! WHY?!
Gerard Depardieu
To prove his conviction to wine, Gerard holds up one of his urine samples.
The Wine: Château de Tigné
Pairs Well With: French cuisine, airplane food
The Effect on Your Palate: This wine has flowery notes of self-importance and an overwhelming presence of lost relevance. While it will empower the drinker, it may cause spontaneous pants-wetting on vehicles of mass transit.
Dave Matthews
One more glass and I will definitely crash into me…
The Wine: Dreaming Tree Wines (which is coincidentally the name of my Dave Matthews cover band)
Pairs Well With: Rustic cuisine, dorm room ramen
The Effect on Your Palate: This woody, playful wine brings one back to a simpler time where all you had to worry about was how much wine you would be drinking that night.
Sting
Meanwhile, at Sting’s house…
The Wine: When We Dance, Sister Moon, Casino delle vie
Pairs Well With: Italian food, meals that don’t require a shirt
The Effect on Your Palate: One sip of Sting’s wine and you’ll be transported by its complex aroma and berry notes. It’s a taste that you will continue to enjoy for an amount of time you would think would be unnecessary for drinking a glass of wine, but definitely keeps going. For a long time. A long, long time.
Well, what do you think? Would you like to enjoy any of these celebrity wines? Or is the moonshine still enough for you? Leave your wine-soaked thoughts below.
Read More: Guy Fieri Opens Winery, Grapes Everywhere Cry “Oh, The Humanity!”
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About Joe Lyons
