Do you remember the era of The Little Mermaid, and the scandal that erupted over the phallus-like object that had been drawn into the artwork for the movie’s VHS cover? I sure do.
More specifically, I remember my response being one that was (as I now know) completely naive. A penis? On children’s movie artwork? Why, that’s absurd! Who would DO such a thing?
Well friends, let me tell you upfront that this here post — which is frighteningly jam-packed with *CHILDREN’S TOYS* that are very clearly and indisputably crafted to resemble the male member — has cured me of any such naivete. It’s not even necessarily that a list like this can be compiled (which is shameful enough), but rather that it had to edited down to a Top Ten. Because there are waaaaay more than ten toys out there crafted to look like penises. OH GOD, SO MANY MORE.
(Please be aware that once you scroll down, there is no turning back. What you are about to see cannot be unseen. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)
1. The Punisher Shape Shifters
This was obviously designed by a man-boy or team of man-boys in an effort to propagandize and rally more legions of man-boys, and I cringe at the thought of the conference meetings wherein this product was brainstormed into being. I imagine there was lots of giggling, farting, and crotch-grabbing. Probably donuts and references to PR0N, too.
Oh, and evidence that it’s legit comes from this really funny toy-reviewer, who was probably successfully recruited to the man-boy league of brothers:
2. The Fr-ooze Pop
Thank Singapore for creating this horrific display of ejaculation/confection. I can’t even talk about it.
3. The Oozinater
Sure, it looks like a harmless water gun that kind of resembles the Alien thing from that movie all of our husbands seem to like so much. But in the spirit of sparing you the video evidence of how truly perverse this toy is, I’ll just say that it requires LOTS of pumping and SHOOTS WHITE-ISH GOO, okay?
Let us never speak of it again.
4. ALL OF THESE GUMMY CANDIES
Just. All of them.
More on Page 2!
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About Kristine Cook
