MamaPop™

Because I've Had To Listen To My Daughter Sing This Non-Stop For The Past Month (And I Must Force Others To Share My Agony)

And so it came to pass that the entire candy corn industry was thrown into bankruptcy:

That Moose killed candy corn dead, people.

BONUS EDITION! Things That Piss Aaron Sorkin Off

So even though there wasn't a new episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip last night, I'm fairly sure this is pissing Aaron Sorkin off.

So this week's list looks something like this:

1) Rumors of imminent cancellation

2) Blogs

This is actually pissing me off too, because I think the show is way too new and needs at least a full season to figure itself out. Plus I inexplicably feel the need to send poor Matthew Perry a muffin basket, or some balloons, or maybe one of those bouquets made of candy bars.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, what the hell am I going to post about on Tuesdays now?

*inside voice*

shhh!

Okay, let's keep this quiet, but...

Who here watches Battlestar Galactica?

Who here kind of pretends that they only watch it because their significant other does?

Who here kind of thinks it's the best goddamn hour of television out there right now?

I mean, I totally don't, because I'm SO not a closet sci-fi dork who says stuff like, "Hey, let's order in tonight because HOLY SHIT BATTLESTAR GALACTICA BLOWS MY DAMN MIND I LOVE THIS SHOW."

No. I have never said anything like that. At least not in the last...23 hours or so.

Dear Twenty Good Years:

Why are you not funny?

Why have I been bumping my TiVo Season Pass to America's Next Top Model down a notch in order to accomodate you, meaning that I don't watch the latest episode until it reruns on Sunday, enabling that bitch Tracey to ruin the outcome for me week after week?

Why are you toying with my Arrested Development love and utterly wasting the talents of Jeffrey Tambor, and okay, while we're at it I will admit that I used to think Third Rock from the Sun was funny for awhile there too, but regardless, YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD BE FUNNY.

P.S. Have fun on hiatus

Zombies: An Abusers Guide

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of viewing the program "Fear Files: Zombies!" on The History Channel, the content of which served not only as a useful guide to our long-enduring collective cultural fascination with the reanimated undead, but also contained many helpful undead dos and don'ts which my conscience now compels me to share with you, the potential Zombie victim:

Know your Zombies: Reanimated corpse or soulless slave?
According to the Vodoun tradition of Haiti, the Zombie isn't necessarily risen evil dead, but may instead be merely a still-living-human whose soul has been ceremonially extracted for the purposes of turning the extractee into a sort of mindless, automatonish slave. In fact, the modern conception of the Zombie as a reanimated, cannibalistic corpse comes primarily from their portrayal in Hollywood film (see: Night of the Living Dead). In any case, recognizing what type of Zombie you're dealing with is crucial, as one Zombie may be relatively harmless and easily subdued, while the other will stop at nothing in order to feast on your braaaaains.

But assuming the worst -- that your Zombie attackers are of the cannibal-evil-dead variety -- what do you need to know to protect yourself from this Zombie scourge?

How To: Escaping Zombies
Stay as far away from centers of commerce and well-used public spaces as possible. Zombies are known to return to places they frequented while alive, and so shopping centers, grocery stores, and malls and the like are right out. Some particularly good places to hide from Zombies would include remote abandoned castles (where available), off-shore oil rigs, and -- interestingly enough -- graveyards, since their inhabitants tend to shuffle off elsewhere in search of living human flesh when the Zombie plague strikes.

How To: Fighting/Killing Zombies
Though it seems counterintuitive, your best weapon against the Zombie might be something as simple as a large knife or machete. High-powered rifles, shotguns, and machine guns may have little impact, causing the average Zombie to simply stagger slightly when shot. Chainsaws need fuel, which makes them a less than reliable weapon, especially in the event of a large-scale Zombie attack, when access to resources and provisions may be obstructed and/or limited. Flamethrowers, while admirable for their scope and range, sadly tend only to make what was once a relentless flesh-eating corpse into a flaming, relentless flesh-eating corpse, which may be less than helpful. And so it is that knives, machetes, and/or swords are the weapons of choice, particularly since beheading Zombies and burning their heads/brains* to cinders is the only sure way to re-kill a Zombie in any permanent sort of sense.

FYI: Zombie Quick Facts

• They are no stronger than living humans, but unlike us do not experience fatigue or tire


• Are of very low intelligence, and can be easily driven over cliffs or out windows


• Incapable of using language beyond creepy guttural groaning and moaning


• Cannot be drowned, since they do not breathe to begin with


• Do not experience pain (thus going for the groin, for example, would not be helpful)


• Cannot be reasoned or negotiated with

Remember that knowledge is power, my friends, and I hope -- for the sake of all living humankind and the continuance of civilization as we know it -- that this briefing serves to bolster your defenses against, and understanding of, this most formidable of imaginary foes.
......................
*You will also need matches. Lots and lots of matches.

Yes, I'm Live Blogging America's Next Top Model

Shut up.

Okay, so check this: Tyra is not only a model and show host, but also an actress, pop singer, AND photographer.

Oh, and Vaseline enthusiast, of course.

She's A FUCKING ARTIST, people.

Dorkygirl28

Bree ran away from home! Take THAT, shadowy cult people!

Last night I spent about 20 minutes trying to explain the whole Lonelygirl15 thing to Jason. He was not impressed, even when I tried the whole intellectual "new interactive art form" angle and waxed rhapsodic about alternate reality gaming being both online and real-world and how cool it is that people are using the Internet to create new kinds of entertainment and blah blah bullshitcakes.

I don't blame him for not buying any of that crap. I'm really watching the series because I'm hoping for some violence. Some creepy, occultish violence. A virgin sacrifice or two. Maybe the birth of the antichrist. All in videoblog format. That would so totally rule.

(I should probably step away from the Internet now, right?)

The Amazing Screw-On Head

Have you guys seen it yet? Because to say that this new show from Sci-Fi ROCKS would be a grotesque understatement. A brief sampling:

Hilarious. And the animation is just gorgeous. For a longer taste check out this video as well.

Presenting! The Spectacularly Dumb Women of Prison Break

Okay, to be fair, I could very easily write this same entry about the men, because seriously: DUMBEST CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS EVER.

But the women on this show seem like they're SUPPOSED to be smart. Or at least vaguely competant at not getting themselves killed or letting child molesters free from prison. I don't know. I think maybe the writers are afraid that we won't really get how brilliant Michael Scofield is supposed to be unless they surround him with a bunch of goddamn morons. And I sympathize with them on that, because Michael Scofield is so pretty. So very, very pretty.

...

What?

Oh right. The dumb bitches. Let's take a look, shall we?

Veronica, the real estate lawyer turned conspiracy-breaker, except for the "breaking" part:

Crimes of Dumbness: Entire existence was a testament to dumb. Got self shot in season premiere. Then hacked up into small bits and hauled out in trash bags just so we'd know she was really dead and wouldn't show up three episodes later missing, like, a few fingers or something. Best season premiere EVER.

Leticia, who really could have saved everybody a lot of trouble if she'd just chewed some Nicorette or something:

Crimes of Dumbness: "Hey listen, I know I agreed to sign that affadavit about the Massive Conspiracy and everything, and I know I've gone on and on about people following me and having my family killed, but before I actually sign anything, I'm gonna step outside your totally-not-under-surveillance office for a smoke, okay? Cool."

This Chick, Billie Norma Debbie Bobbie Jo Jean or something:

Crimes of Dumbness: Slept with Tweener. TWEENER. Found out he was an escaped convict immediately afterwards, gave him keys to her car and was all, I LOVE YOOOOOOU. Because of course.

This Chick, who I always called Nina even though I don't think that was her name but man, remember Nina from 24? She was so cool:

Crimes of Dumbness: Even though she was the worst fake double-crosser ever, she decided to try her hand at TRIPLE-crossing Michael and Linc, with predictably dumb results because Michael is smart and we need to NOT FORGET THAT. Also: the Juicy Couture tracksuit in Britney Spears Bridesmaid Pink? Dumb.

This Chick, who was really just an embarassment for everyone involved:

Crimes of Dumbness: Oh, just pick a scene. Letting a bunch of random semi-uniformed men dig up your garage? Asking the creepiest man alive in for drinks? Asking the creepiest man alive whom you have just liquored up if he can get you the phone number of some other random semi-uniformed man? Then falling for a completely DIFFERENT bunch of random semi-uniformed men the very next week? God. Bring on the trash bags and pack this one up, Massive Conspiracy People, before she gets anymore screen time. Seriously.

Dr. Sara Tancredi, who is a doctor! who is totally smart! except for maybe the drug problem and the weakness for hot felons:

Crimes of Dumbness: Too many to list, but mostly. Dr. Sara is really, really not good on the phone.

Sara's father: (on phone with Sara) Dude! The massive conspiracy! It is massive! You were right about everything! I know things that I will tell you! But first: That Guy! Whatever you do, don't talk to That Guy!

(That Guy enters stage left.)

Sara: Gotta go! Bye! (hangs up phone)

Audience: Oh man, I hope he brought lots of trash bags.

Sara: (on phone with the only person who knew her location, other than the people who just came to that location and tried to kill her) I don't understand! How did they find me? This just doesn't make any sense because I don't understand how they found me!

...edited for length, because it went on like this for awhile...

Sara: (light bulb goes off over head, flickers a few times) Oh! My god!

Evil Vice President & Malevolent Vegetable Chopper Caroline Reynolds:

"Hey! Didn't I used to have a storyline once?"

(Huge thanks to PrisonBreak-Online.com for their awesome screencapping)

Is That A Bottle Of Noxious Pine-Scented Cleanser In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Ladies, I'd like to present you with the advertising and marketing world's conception of what you want.

And I don't know about you, but after seeing that I do suddenly feel as though I need to run out and get me some fucking cleaning supplies... the sort with which to wash off the sleazy, nausea-inducing feeling that site just gave me.

BLEECH.

Things That Piss Aaron Sorkin Off

It's a short list this week, although it appears we ALL did SOMETHING to royally piss Mr. Sorkin off, since he decided that none of us were allowed to watch actual television until we finished our homework. So he devoted most of last night's episode to a rambling Complete History of Comedy, Including the Comedian's Role in World War II, or Something.

I'm actually a little nervous that there might be a quiz next week.

However, HUGE points to Mr. Sorkin for referring to Gilmore Girls as "Calico Gals," and for sneaking in one of the Briefcase Bimbos from Deal or No Deal as Dumb Girl #3, both of which brought me much joy and satisfaction.

Anyway, here's this week's installment of Things That Piss Aaron Sorkin Off, As Told Through Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip:

1) Girls who want to sleep with actors instead of TV writers

2) Girls who want to sleep with athletes instead of TV writers

3) Columbus, Ohio

4) "Skits"

5) Badunkadunks

America's Most Embarrassing

Amy? Are you there Amy? Because you're going to want to see this.

According to TMZ: K-Fed told the official WWE website that he returned to the ring to defend his family's honor. "Britney was definitely watching, my whole family was watching. She can't have someone beating up her husband all over the place. I've got to stand up for my family and hold it down."

Yeah, because what could be more restorative of one's honor than going on national television and making a shameful, cringe-inducing spectacle of yourself?

Next stop for K-Fed? My money says: Springer.

ur jus jelus!

Yes. I am jealous. And I'm a big enough girl to admit it.

So Kate Hudson had a baby once. I had a baby once. Sometimes I have this little fantasty that we'll bump into each other somewhere with our little boys and I'll be all, "Hey Kate," and she'll be all, "Oh hey Amy," and then I'll be all, "Gee Kate, these little guys are soooo worth it and everything but sometimes don't you wish your stomach didn't look like a loaf of Wonderbread that got bagged under the milk and a bag of oranges at the supermarket?" And then Kate will laugh and ask to be my best friend because I keep it so real.

Looks like I am going to need a new imaginary celebrity friend pick-up line.

On the bright side, our boobs totally match and we could wear each other's bras. That is, if we actually had enough boobage to require bras in the first place, which we obviously don't, and also I suppose wearing each other's bras would be totally creepy and wrong and let's just forget I ever mentioned it.

Tyra Banks: Its Clearly Time For An Intervention Of Some Sort

This will, I have no doubt, wake your asses right the hell up:

ProjRun Finale Counterpoint: Love, Or: Amy Is Wrong

Scene: Team G-P Household, Wednesday Night

Cue: Project Runway Tickety Tock Music of Suspense

Heidi Klum: Michael, you're out.

Tracey: Ooooh, saw that coming! Because you know what that collection needed? MORE WHITE. [snorfle] Okay, so the dude did some good work earlier in the season, but let's face it, his work for fashion week? Bo-ring. And say, did you guys notice how during last week's episode he suddenly got all, well, gay? NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I mean we all know I'm a card-carrying fag hag, but I hadn't even thought about his sexuality until I saw him flouncing around with his family when the cameras followed him home. ANYWAY.

Heidi Klum: Laura, you're out.

Tracey: LOVE. HER. And, I mean, how can you not? Her stuff is so cute and classic and Audrey Hepburn-ish stylistically, its kind of hard to say a bad word about it. Well, except: innovative? HARDLY. I'd wear almost anything the woman made on the show, but then again, like most middle-class Americans, I have a wardrobe that is heavy on the Old Navy and The Gap, so clearly I'm keen on that which is utilitarian. But that's not really what ProjRun is about, is it? So yeah, I see where the judges were coming from. Fare thee well, sweet Laura...

Cue: Project Runway Tickety Tock Music of Suspense

Tracey: Oh my god, if middle-of-the-road boring-ass big-floofy-patterned mu-mu-maker Uli wins, I'm going to fucking HURL...

Heidi Klum: Jeffrey, you're in.

Tracey: PRAISE JESUS! Okay, so dude may have been an ass at times (hellooo shades of Santino! (who I of course also loved)), but at least he was never boring -- the ultimate sin in my book. His clothes were interesting and creative and the collection itself was, with the exception of perhaps the Big Blue Dress From Hell, totally cohesive. Completely deserved to win, particularly in light of the other's lackluster collections.

Turns off TV, opens computer, checks email. Finds inexplicably enraged email from Amy, indicating her displeasure over the Finale's outcome.

Mentally gives Amy the finger, closes computer.

Retires to bed chamber and sleeps the sleep of angels, knowing that all is right with the world and that on Project Runway, as in life, the righteous do indeed prevail.

~Fin~

ProjRun Finale Point: Hate

Scene: Storch Household, Wednesday Night

Cue: Project Runway Tickety Tock Music of Suspense

Heidi Klum: Michael, you're out.

Amy: Wah, but...yeah. That collection was ASSY, man. And this was totally his show to lose! He rocked it all season! Rocked it I say!

Heidi Klum: Laura, you're out.

Amy: WAH! I LOVE YOU LAURA! God, she's so great. And that collection looked like a zillion dollars and I would so wear all of it, except for that one dress with the feathers on the shoulders, but God, she's so awesome and I knew she wasn't going to win but still, I love her so fucking much and...

Jason: Who are you talking to? I don't watch this show. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Amy: INFIDEL! God. Look: Michael was adorable and awesome but dang, his collection was hoochie and I think he needs a little time to mature. Laura was just fucking awesome and wasn't nearly as one-note as the judges made her out to be. Uli bored me all season but she's really sweet and nice and her collection surprised me, because I would kill for a couple of those dresses. Jeffrey got the villian edit all season and then they tried to give him the good-daddy-drug-addict-gone-domestic redemption edit at the end but I'm not biting, because he's an asshole and annoying and not nearly as innovative as he's made out to be, because half that shit is just how people in the 80s dressed when they wanted to dress "punk rock." All caught up now?

Cue: Project Runway Tickety Tock Music of Suspense

Amy: Uli Uli Uli Uli Uli anyone but Jeffrey anyone but Jeffrey...

Heidi Klum: Jeffrey, you're in.

Amy: FUCK NO.
A fabulously glamorous flip-flop flies through the air, hits television

Jason: Did they seriously just give first prize in a fashion competion to a dude in manpris?

Amy: YOU DO UNDERSTAND! Let's make out.

~Fin~

Hilarious Universal Studios Employee Video

Long before South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone were commissioned to make an employee video for Universal Studios, which was apparently never used (and you'll see why):

Back in 1995 Universal Studios was bought by the Seagram's company, purveyors of fine wine coolers. For some completely bizarre and unknown reason, they hired South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker to create an employee training film that would reassure their staff that even though they'd been bought by a massive alcohol conglomerate the studio would remain artist friendly.

Look out for cameos by Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, Michael J. Fox, and Demi Moore, among others.

[via]

UPDATE: Go here to view both parts of the video!