28 Months Later: Snakes on a Plane

Okay, so maybe more like 12 months later. But either way, the Hottest Internetty Meme Movie of Ever has finally hit HBO, which means Amy, the Least Cool and With-It Person on the Planet has finally seen it.

First, let me tell you: I was INTO the SoaP joke. I thought it was HILARIOUS. I could not WAIT to see the movie and ALMOST bought a t-shirt and I devoted A LOT OF CAPS LOCK TIME TO THIS MOVIE.

And then I never actually saw the movie, because we'd need to pay a babysitter. And good lord, that's a lot of money to spend on a bad movie. Even an awesomely bad movie.

But! It's on HBO! And I was very excited! Snakes on a Plane! Exclamation Points on a Blog! Oh hell, this joke will never get old. Like lolcats.

Uh.

Guys?

Snakes on a Plane is not an awesomely bad movie. I can't even call it a good bad movie. It is just a very bad movie.

I am sure seeing it in the theater masked the awfulness, if you saw it with the right crowd who would whoop and cheer when that snake bit that girl's boob, or that guy's penis, or any of the other "hilarious" genital-related snake bites, thus distracting you from the fact that watching snakes bite people's private parts is...not really that funny. Especially after...two, three times?

But now, stripped of audience participation, or at least a crowd of drunk people in my living room, I couldn't ignore the fact that I don't really dig watching naked boobs get bitten by snakes, no matter how much wine I've had. The characters are almost all unlikable, the pacing is interminable, the violence is brain-numbing and while the plot IS hilariously bad (Asian mobsters and snakes and pheromone-laced leis!), the big-budget execution feels all wrong.

After the first 10 minutes Jason was shouting at the TV to "make the freaking plane cold! 50 degrees! Snakes are cold-blooded! Jesus Christ, these people are dumb. And the CGI is terrible, but not like, terrible enough."

And finally, after about a solid hour of unfunny and utterly unsuspenseful gore and violence, right after that guy fed the little dog to the python and then got eaten himself, I admitted that I really hated this movie and wanted to turn it off.

We never got to hear Samuel L deliver his famous line, and yet somehow, I think I'll survive. The joke was already over, and a lesson was learned: DON'T LET THE INTERNET WRITE ANY MORE MOVIES. KTHNXBAI.

I'm sure I can find it on YouTube, anyway.

We saw Star Wars: The Phantom Menace about five times in the theater, probably all within the first couple weeks, when the crowds were all still going nuts for it and people were dressing up and WOOOOOO STAR WARS IS BACK, BABY!

Later, we rented it, and once we were away from the cheering mob, in the privacy of our living room, we realized:

Wow. This movie is terrible. How did we not notice that?

(Lolcats, though, man. Those are timeless and without end.)