Big Love Recap

As the second season of Big Love starts to wind down, things are getting predictably wild. Barb is having a tough time dealing with the decisions that she's made in life, Alby is driving Nicki crazy, Sarah is getting ready to do the dirty-dirty with Scott even though she doesn't totally want to, Ben is dating monotonous compound twins, Bill's business affairs are just totally out of control, and Wanda is just...bizarre at this point. Also: THERE ARE SNAKES IN THIS MUTHAEFFIN' SUBURB.

Our next to last episode of the season (eep!) opens onto Barb's tranquil kitchen that is complete with a  twee, country sign that reads, "Enter with a Happy Heart." Barb picks up a newspaper and is a more than a little surprised to see a wedding announcement for her mother. Nicki buzzes around and asks if someone is getting married and Barb brushes it off as an old sorority sister. Wonder if Nicki knows Barb’s mother’s name? Bill saunters in and asks about the wild and unsupervised compound party that took place in his background. Yeah, it was totally wild, Bill. There was pound cake and everything! Nicki says she doesn’t know what he means but in walks Ben who mouths “Sorry,” to Nicki. Yeah, right. Ben feels so bad that he was able to bust Nicki after she went off at him for sneaking out to see Brynn. Nicki admits that there was a party but that it didn’t even get off the ground. Ben backs her up and says that the band didn’t even get to play one song because Alby showed up. Barb, quick as anything, asks where she got the money to hire a band but Nicki snaps that Wanda brought them. Bill wants to know why the hell Alby was in his house and why Nicki didn’t mention it to him and honestly if someone creepy and obviously psychotic like Alby was lurking around my family, I would be flipping out. Nicki admits that Alby was here to snatch Kathy for Frank but that she got rid of him and besides Alby was totally devastated when she told him about Weber Gaming. The look on Bill’s face clearly reads, “Oops, I’ve crapped my pants.” 

Barb is being slightly stalkerish and waiting outside her mom’s (Ellen Burstyn!) house and nearly gives her a heart attack by sneaking up on her as she reaches down for her morning paper. Nancy wants to know if Barb has left Bill and of course she hasn’t, so Nancy says she can’t see her. Barb spits that she had to read about Nancy’s wedding in the paper, but Nancy has nothing to say. Of course, out pops Cindy, Barb’s icky sister, who shoos Barb away for upsetting their mom’s blood pressure.

Out by the compound, Bill has his serious sunglasses on and is trying to talk some sense into Alby, who’s still bitter about that whole attempted murder thing and now he’s a little pissy about Weber. Bill offers to sell him his seat on the UEB and points out that Alby can’t vote until Roman passes, which could be months or years. Yeah, right. Not with Lura at his bedside and her neverending supply of morphine. Alby attempts to be dramatic with the power windows of his Hummer. What a tool. 

At Scott’s apartment, Sarah is reading an interesting text message that has come through on her boyfriend’s phone. “That was great! XO L” Uh oh. Sarah wants to know who L is and what was so great. Scott says that that’s his ex-girlfriend and Sarah very calmly throws the phone at him. What else is there to say, really? Scott, who has just emerged from the bathroom and is wearing his pants really low, sighs that they never mentioned exclusivity and admits that he wants to see other women. He can’t take the responsibility of Sarah’s virginity. He's obviously really torn up about the whole thing. Snort. 

At Bill’s office, he and Ben are sitting down to some lunch. Bill mentions to Ben that he got to introduce Barb and Margie as his wives. Bill receives a message from his secretary that Alby has called about the UEB seat and Ben asks if he’s giving up their seat. Bill says it’s just a negotiating tactic and calls Barb. He wants her to invite some Weber Gaming people over for dinner but Barb is all, “Heck naw!” However, Margie’s all ready to take care of it since she and Bill are having dinner with some of those guys this week anyway and they need to firm up plans. Barb is at a loss for words, especially when Margie peeps, “You should come!” I’m guessing Barb feels that she should be the one doling out dinner invitations to wives. The doorbell rings before she gets a chance to fume about it and seemingly out of nowhere, neighbor Peg wants to know how Barb, as an LDS woman, feels about surrogacy. Barb answers that if the couple is in need…her answer is in the same tone as if Peg had just asked her how Barb felt about eating when one is hungry. Peg enthusiastically agrees and says that if a couple, a MAN and a WOMAN, she’s careful to point out, need the help they should seek it out. Barb points out that the only problem is finding a willing womb but Peg is all, “Margene!” Barb looks at Peg, completely befuddled. Didn’t Barb know that Margene was a surrogate? Barb’s all, “Uh, no, I thought it was much less complicated…like my husband knocked her up?” Peg’s a little flustered but thinks that the fact that a surrogate living on her street is a sign that she and Carl should seek Margene’s services for the healthy fee of $50,000. Barb says they shouldn’t rush into anything and Peg…just doesn’t have an answer for that. 

Nicki is working on her bingo habit online but Alby, who is keeping a sinister bedside vigil for Roman, wants to talk about Weber. He has receipts and plenty of threats, including a nice little tidbit about Nicki’s sticky fingers which Roman will find very interesting when he wakes up. Alby tells Nicki that she needs to convince Bill to give up Weber Gaming. As if on cue, Roman’s eyes blink open but Lura is right there with a nice, big syringe of drugs. Lura’s shirts have the biggest collars that I’ve ever seen. 

At Barb’s, Margie is trying to explain her whole surrogate mother story. She didn’t want to be The Unwed Mother. Barb points out that it’s ludicrous and she feels bad for Peg who thinks she has a waiting uterus. What Barb does NOT say and which I would have been really quick to point out is HOW THE HELL WAS MARGENE GOING TO EXPLAIN THAT SHE STILL HAD A BABY AFTER HER SURROGACY WAS OVER? DUH! Nicki, who seems to have a divining rod for other people being in trouble, asks, “Now what did you do?” Heh. Margene fesses up but wants to know what would happen if she did want to be a surrogate and adds that she’s been a baby factory for Barb. Ew. She says that she expanded Barb’s family after she couldn’t so why not do the same for Barb. Nicki explains that their purpose is to bring superior souls into this family. Not give them away to every barren Sue, Jane and Sally on the block. Ha! Barb stomps off to answer the door and Nicki adds, “Now look what you’ve done.” 

The evening isn’t really getting less complicated for Barb, as she answers the door to find the weird twins from the party last week. Ben is very pleased to inform Barb that they are his girlfriends. 

In bed, Nicki is trying to convince Bill that she doesn’t feel too confident about Weber anymore, that it’s changing them. She wants to change her vote, but Bill says that the polls are closed. He climbs out of bed and we almost see his bum. 

Barb is back at her mom’s house and Nancy tells her to get away from her Navigator. Barb blurts out that Ben thinks he wants to be a polygamist and Nancy hisses at her to get in the car. Barb wants Nancy to take Ben on the weekends so that she can take him to church and give him some good role models. Nancy wants him to live with her for the rest of the summer but Barb doesn’t think she can do that. Nancy tells her to enjoy her future daughters-in-law. Heh. Nancy finally agrees to let the kids come to the wedding and that Ben will go with them on their honeymoon. Er, okay. Barb says she’ll have to run it by Bill and Nancy scoffs, “Of course you have to run it by Bill.”

Sarah is slumped on the couch with a box of Trix and is blankly staring at the TV. Aw, Sarah. Been there, sweetie. Nicki comes in looking for Barb and demands to know what’s wrong with Sarah. She explains that Scott wants to see other girls because Sarah doesn’t have sex with him. God, I feel for Sarah. Nicki rolls her eyes and asks, “Honestly, where do you and Ben find these people?” People who want to have sex? Oh, gee, I don’t know, Nicki. Dumb luck? Sarah wants to know how Nicki deals with the jealousy and Nicki replies that she’s able to suppress it because she’s serving a higher purpose, which Sarah’s relationship is obviously lacking. Sarah breaks down and says that she can’t believe how bad this feels and even Nicki’s heart melts. Sarah sobs that she can’t compete but Nicki says that those other dried up hags are nothing compared to Sarah and that she needs to hold on to her chastity but to show him what he’s missing. Like maybe…wear your hair in a French braid all the time and sport high-neck blouses constantly. Men go nuts over that. 

At the compound, Kathy is happily vacuuming away while Wanda is sifting powdered sugar on a Bundt cake. Wanda spies some cleanser and eyes Kathy with a not so heavenly look in her eyes. Okay, why is anything remotely poisonous anywhere near Wanda? Before she gets a chance to add her secret ingredient to the cake, Joey bursts in and says that Alby is coming to snatch Kathy and give her to Frank. Wanda starts flipping out and screaming that Frank is going to come get Kathy and she’s very much mocking the situation. Kathy is totally confused but packs her suitcase. 

At dinner, Nicki tells Bill about Sarah’s predicament and segues into how Weber Gaming will introduce even more of these corrosive influences into their home. Nicki then turns to Barb and gushes over how she’s come to her senses about Weber and that they should team up to stop Bill. Barb’s resigned to the sale, but Nicki says that there’s a whole “sorry chapter” behind the deal. She goes on to give her the Cliff’s Notes version of the UEB scandals but Barb insists that Bill would have told her all of that. Nicki gives Barb a pitiful look and says that as one of three, Barb only gets maybe 1/3 of the information that she used to get. Man. Everyone knows Barb’s sore spots. For extra dramatic effect, Nicki says that if they don't unload Weber, then they will all be DOOMED. Barb, probably a tad immune to Nicki's theatrics at this point, reacts very calmly. She does not, however, tell Bill about her little anti-polygamy plans for Ben.

Lois shows up at Joey's house to find the happy trio gone, a parrot loose, and the vacuum cleaner whining on the floor, abandoned. Alby sneaks in behind her and Lois demands to know what he's done with her family. Alby assures her that he's done nothing to them, but that even if he had, she would never find the bodies. Gee, that'll set a mom's mind at ease. Lois silently wishes that Wanda had used way more anti-freeze.

Bill shows up at Scott's house and saunters around, asking about his flat-screen TV and blah blah. He finally gets to the point of his visit, which is Scott's dalliances with other girls while dating his daughter. Scott attempts to point out Bill's hypocrisy but Bill snaps back that he's committed to all three of his wives. Later, Sarah and Scott sit miserably in his apartment and Scott finally says that they need to split. Sarah doesn't understand and they start kissing. Things start getting a little heated so Sarah stops. Desperately, Sarah tells Scott that she doesn't mind sharing him, that him sleeping with other girls when she won't could work. Oh, Sarah. It's a very eerie moment, because we see a semi-reenactment of what Barb did when she agreed to follow Bill into polygamy. Deep down, she was not okay with it, but she loved Bill too much to say no...or maybe she didn't think Bill loved her enough to accept her refusal. Regardless, she went along with it, and even found some happiness, but now she's feeling some serious regrets that will affect everyone that she cares about.

Barb shows up at her mom's wedding with the kids and we're all shocked to see Teenie, who's been on-screen about two minutes this whole season. Ben sees the suitcase that Barb is towing and asks about it but Barb just kind of ignores Ben. The kids sense that they're not exactly welcome. The drama starts almost immediately when Nancy and Cindy come out to greet them but Nancy gets all flustered when she realizes that Barb thinks that she was invited to the wedding, as well. Cindy snottily tells her that Nancy's husband's family is extremely conservative and they had to get sealed in the temple even though Nancy was sealed to Barb's dad and it's all very confusing. Barb refuses to leave and Cindy's all "Whatever. Fine. Attend your mother's wedding you audacious brat." Before being allowed to enter, one of Barb's cousins warns her not to talk to any of his family or attempt to give them any polygamist literature or anything. Oh my god, Barb, these people SUCK. Be glad to be rid of them! Ben calls Bill to tell him that Barb's trying to hand him over to her crappy family. Bill and Margene, already on their way to dinner, make their way to the wedding. Ben, clearly indignant about his little sabotage, is just waiting for someone to say something to him. When asked if he has a girlfriend, Ben's all, "Yeah. Twins!" Everyone chuckles and Cindy says that they must fight over him, Ben explains that they actually want to marry him. Crickets chirp. Cindy's daughter asks Barb if she'll need to be re-baptized and Barb's like, "Quoi?" Nancy whispers that she told everyone that Barb has left Bill and is returning to LDS. Nancy has good intentions but she sucks at strategy. I wonder if she and Margene sit around and exchange cover stories that will never work in any kind of long-term and will eventually make them look like idiots. Barb and Nancy rush to a library or an office of some sorts to have it out. Nancy testifies to her open mind by saying that she allowed gay Aunt Gretchen into her house a long time ago. Nancy's like a one-woman ACLU. Barb asks for at least that same amount of tolerance but Nancy says that Barb is her daughter and she can't just tolerate her. Nancy is responsible for Barb's eternal salvation. Pressure!

At the compound, Alby is having a video conference with Hollis Green on his MacBook. Where is Hollis exactly that he has access to such equipment? Isn't he in jail? Anyway, Hollis tells Alby that Bill called all the shots and got the Green women to hogtie Adaleen and shoot Roman and that blood atonement is in order. "Very truly yours, Hollis Green."

Bill shows up at the reception and asks Barb what she thinks she's doing with Ben. Barb retorts that the main goal in life of Ben's girlfriends is to get married to a righteous dude by the time they're 17. Hey, at least they have goals which is something young people are sorely lacking these days, eh? Ahem. Besides, Barb wants to know what the deal is with Weber and if Bill really stole it. Bill repeats his line that he acquired it fair and square but Barb's pretty much done with Bill's antics surrounding the whole affair. Nancy stops to talk to Bill and tells him to put on a jacket. He's already ruined her life so he might as well ruin her wedding. Man, it's too bad Bill doesn't drink. He could really pull some shenanigans if Nancy feels like provoking him. Bill runs into Ned and they chit chat about business. Ned seems alright. Bill asks if Ned can use his influence to lift the gambling ban in Utah but Ned points out that it wouldn't be half as profitable.

Barb attempts to join Cindy and Nancy who are giggling and cutting the cake. What the hell? That big fancy wedding and they make you serve your own cake? They got ripped off! Despite her efforts, Nancy and Cindy act like mean girls and flounce off. Meanwhile, Bill is trying to explain to Ben that the Principle is not a means of rebellion. Cindy's daughter asks Bill something about his apostasy and being forgiven. Bill sneers at the snotty little girl and says, "Shut up." Ha! See, that's all you have to do! Lois calls and tells Bill that she thinks Joey, Wanda, and Kathy have been murdered. Bill tells her to settle down but he calls Alby anyway and reminds him about the UEB seat deal. Alby sweetly claims that he's, like, totally innocent. Bill finally remembers that he left Margene in the car. He goes out and tries to convince her that he needs to stay but Margene is PISSED that he's passing over plans with her to deal with Barb's situation.

At home, Nicki is furiously scrubbing her toilet while her boys watch. Alby sneaks up behind her. Honestly, why doesn't she lock the door? And didn't they have that fancy security system installed last season? Nicki gets up to talk to him and the boys, already wearing rubber gloves, jump in with sponges to finish scrubbing the toilet. Wow. Nicki needs to start some kind of kid obedience school. That's amazing. Alby tells Nicki that Roman is just days away from death and if Nicki still wants to be a part of her family she needs to come to the compound tonight. Otherwise, vengeance will rain down on the family. Yikes. It's enough to seriously freak Nicki out and she calls Margene looking for Bill. Margene is still seething about being ditched at Nancy's "big ass wedding" but Nicki tells her to stay put.

Bill makes up with Barb and they smooch, much to everyone's dismay. He asks Sarah to dance and it's so sweet for a minute until Bill tells her that there's nothing she can't confide in him. Sarah calmly explains that Bill has no credibility in her eyes when it comes to relationships or life. Ouch. Bill is clearly heartbroken but tells Sarah to wave to her mom.

The calm of the moment passes when Barb goes outside to find a stone-faced Nicki, a pissy Margene, and a pack of kids outside of the reception. Nicki and Margene gang up on Barb for hogging Bill yet again out of jealousy and because they think Barb's getting ready to leave them again. Bill comes out and they turn their attention to him. Margie yells that he's once again put Barb first and Nicki wants to know if he was behind Roman's shooting. Bill gets frighteningly serious and tells Nicki to never question him on that level again. Wedding guests are gathering outside as the Henricksons are causing a huge scene. So much for smoothing things over with Barb's mom. They're asked to leave, of course, but Barb pleads with her mother one last time. She doesn't know if they'll see each other in the after life, but she wants to see her mom in this life for sure. They cry and Nancy hugs Barb. Before leaving her, Nancy tells Barb that this is her big test. Barb stands and looks from her mother to her husband, wives, and kids. There's no contest in my eyes. I know that's her mom, but Barb's family is full of judgmental jerks who can't put their pride and righteousness aside for love of one of their own. Like Barb explained to Nancy, Bill loves Barb for who she is.

Exhausted, Barb and Bill start to get ready for bed. Barb hears something weird and sees something moving very slowly under the bed covers. She whips back the comforter and is faced with two rattlesnakes. Much screaming ensues.

Comments

[Suzy Q]

Wow! That was great, Kelly. I am almost literally breathless. You do have a way with words (and snarky asides).

I am also pissed that I forgot it was on last night! Oh well, I'll catch it tonight and then probably comment again.

[Amalah]

AWESOME recap, as usual.

"I wonder if she and Margene sit around and exchange cover stories that will never work in any kind of long-term and will eventually make them look like idiots."

HA HA!

[Cathy A]

"Very truly yours, Hollis Green." Doesn't that just CRACK YOU UP????

[sweetney]

these recaps are almost like poetry. hilarious, snarktastic poetry.

[bridget]

last nights episode was NUTS! like a roller coaster. Alby gives me the creeps. Is there no such thing as a restraining order in Utah.

[Liz]

The "Very truly yours, Hollis Greene" thing is one of the most awesome quirks ever given to any television character, ever. I live for it.

[Rhonda]

Snakes in the bed! Oh, Holy Hell, I'm in for nightmares tonight!

[Suzy Q]

I love me some Ellen Burstyn! This was a totally whacked-out episode and it looks like next week is going to be another humdinger. I can't wait for Kelly's recap!

When Alby did that thing with the power windows, I was thinking of your comment, Kelly. That guy IS such a damn tool.

*waves to Non-Evil Rhonda*

[veronica]

Alby and the power windows made me crack up. He is such a freaky tool...but a very very creepy one. So which do you think would be creepier...Alby in the bed or the rattlesnakes? Toss up if you ask me..lol!!!

Poor Margene...I would be so f'in pissed to be left in the car like that. Bill needs a swift kick to the ass for that one.

[Rhonda]

*Waves to Suzy Q*

LOL about Albi. I can't believe I actually want Roman back! I wonder what happened to Joey and crew? Wanda is seriously a few Fruit Loops short of a bowl. She should win an Emmy - she plays that role flawlessly.

[tammva]

Awesome recap!!!! And yeah, those collars are the size of Montana!