Bargain Basement Bossy: Old School Halloween.

If you will, turn your attention to the Halloween costume on the left. Why? One word: it represents the fall of man. Hallowe'en—also known by the more common name Oíche Shamhna—originated in Ireland as a bonfire festival marking the end of the growing season. It was a night when the spirits of the dead were free to walk among the living. It was a night when the community dressed as otherworldly spirits in order to blend with the dead. It was a night when children consumed fistfuls of candy corn until their poop turned orange. It was not a night to work the pole.

Or maybe you think Bossy is overreacting. After all, the costume in the photo doesn’t represent a stripper; it’s a Mailperson. And Bossy’s mailperson always wears a miniskirt, so this costume makes perfect sense. Sure it’s understandable not everyone wants to dress as a shapeless ghoul or formless ghost—which is why with some help, Bossy compiled a list of Five Last-Minute Costumes that don’t require great legs or a degree from the Sex Kitten Institute.

1. A Movie Theater Floor. Wear all black including black face paint. Safety pin, glue, or tape candy wrappers, popcorn, paper cups, and old movie tickets all over.

2. Gym Teacher. Wear a school t-shirt and sweatpants. Carry a clipboard, a playground ball, and a whistle. Insults not included.

3. Piece of Gum Stuck To Sneaker. Wear a bright pink or bright green sweat suit. Pin elastic to both sides of an old sneaker. Wear the sneaker on top of your head like a birthday hat with the elastic tucked under your chin.

4. Dryer Static. Wear all white. Pin colorful washcloths, dryer sheets, socks, and underwear all over being careful to hide the pins. Crazy hairspray hair completes the look.

5. Leaf Pile. Wear a sweat suit, autumnal color preferred. Pin or thread a zillion silk or real leaves all over. Rake optional.

Happy Oíche Shamhna!

Comments

[Zoot]

I'm always a big fan of the "Put on pajamas and put your hair in rollers" costume. I'm not sure what you're supposed to "be" but, for some reason, it counts as a costume.

[Maxine Dangerous]

I wore the costume Zoot suggested to a party years ago and made the mistake of taking out the curlers halfway through the party. I looked like I'd been attacked by a home perm kit.

[Hi5 Codes]

Hike that skirt up a bit and i'll like that more...

[Sarah]

I totally agree with you, every single costume has been re-done and had the word sexy stuck in front of it. Halloween is no longer about scary it's about sexy which is so weird especially when you see it in the kids costumes.

[AmyC65]

I told my daughter this year I would not shop at any of the costume stores (or online) because they all market the sexy costumes. In the big Halloween store in town, the kids section is way in the back and we had to trek past all the sexy outfits, including a section of lucite shoes straight off the topless dance floor. Oh! And a rack of men's G-strings and decorated underwear. So it's homemade or nothing from here out. I won't give them my $$

[Noelle]

I once went as a tea bag. I used leaves filled in between tracing paper. It was perilous, and mostly fell apart by the end of my 3rd grade day. Underneath was nothing revealing but sweatpants and a turtleneck.

I think I'm going to try "gym teacher" this year.

[rockle]

Two years ago I was a lobster for Halloween. My costume was: red sweatpants, red turtleneck, red oven mitts on each hand (the kind with the thumbs), plus a lobster bib and a foam lobster hat that I got from the local Red Lobster. Of course, I told them that my four-year-old needed those props for her costume. Except I don't have a four-year-old, unless the cat counts. (And she's seven anyway.) I am not ashamed. It was an AWESOME costume.

[MamaMo]

My favorite costume... a stoplight. I dressed in all black; cut out three 7" squares of yellow/orange felt, glued them to same size cardboard squares; glued a construction paper circle of red, yellow and green on the yellow/orange squares. I taped the "yellow light" onto my chest and the red and green onto a pair of black gloves that I wore. No one could guess what I was until I stood still, put the "red light" over my face and the "green light" over my tummy, so that the lights were in a vertical row -- viola! stoplight.

[DianaCLT]

Thank you SOOOO much for this post! I loathe how every costume has been sexualized! Sexy girl scout?? Are you EFFING KIDDING ME?!?! Hello there, pedophiles of the world! Why in the hell are we feeding their fantasies?!?

LOVE the unique and quick costume ideas!

[Liana]

I had a friend in high school who went as a road one year. She dressed all in black, then made double lines down her front with bright yellow electrical tape. :)

[The Muse]

Okay, honestly, I must be in the minority here, because I don't see a problem with anyone (of an appropriate age) wearing a sexy costume for Halloween. No, its not the traditional SCARY costumes of the past, but if you're not someone who gets to dress in something a little bit risque on a regular basis, then what's the harm in dragging out the fishnet thigh-highs and 5" platform shoes to make your Dorothy costume a little bit sexy?

C'mon, ladies. It's fun, it's flirtatious, and it's a chance to be a little bit out of character for once.

And let's also start trying to avoid the fact that anyone who wears/owns lucite heels automatically qualifies as a stripper. I happen own them (several pairs) for a fitness class that I teach/take (yes, it happens to be pole dancing, and no, we're not naked, nor do we strip, but we use the pole as a way to get fit - think of jungle gym bars that you hang upside down from), and the reason that I wear them in class? They provide a hell of a workout for my calves/quads, and they haven't been in this good shape in, well, forever.