Bargain Basement Bossy: Old School Halloween.

If you will, turn your attention to the Halloween costume on the left. Why? One word: it represents the fall of man. Hallowe'en—also known by the more common name Oíche Shamhna—originated in Ireland as a bonfire festival marking the end of the growing season. It was a night when the spirits of the dead were free to walk among the living. It was a night when the community dressed as otherworldly spirits in order to blend with the dead. It was a night when children consumed fistfuls of candy corn until their poop turned orange. It was not a night to work the pole.

Or maybe you think Bossy is overreacting. After all, the costume in the photo doesn’t represent a stripper; it’s a Mailperson. And Bossy’s mailperson always wears a miniskirt, so this costume makes perfect sense. Sure it’s understandable not everyone wants to dress as a shapeless ghoul or formless ghost—which is why with some help, Bossy compiled a list of Five Last-Minute Costumes that don’t require great legs or a degree from the Sex Kitten Institute.

1. A Movie Theater Floor. Wear all black including black face paint. Safety pin, glue, or tape candy wrappers, popcorn, paper cups, and old movie tickets all over.

2. Gym Teacher. Wear a school t-shirt and sweatpants. Carry a clipboard, a playground ball, and a whistle. Insults not included.

3. Piece of Gum Stuck To Sneaker. Wear a bright pink or bright green sweat suit. Pin elastic to both sides of an old sneaker. Wear the sneaker on top of your head like a birthday hat with the elastic tucked under your chin.

4. Dryer Static. Wear all white. Pin colorful washcloths, dryer sheets, socks, and underwear all over being careful to hide the pins. Crazy hairspray hair completes the look.

5. Leaf Pile. Wear a sweat suit, autumnal color preferred. Pin or thread a zillion silk or real leaves all over. Rake optional.

Happy Oíche Shamhna!