Announcing: Teh Sexy

In my continuing quest to think like a lad mag, I objectified several men over the past week, mostly celebrities, though including our cat's veterinarian. I also set about to rank them in a list according to their hotness, which seems an important step in the lad-mag editorial process.

When you're 35 and ovulating, everything looks good, so in some instances I had to fall back on plus factors--a sense of humor, basic human decency, a masculine self-concept secure enough to withstand dancing with the Rockettes or wearing short-shorts. Perhaps this is contrary to the spirit of objectification, but like I said, everything already looks good. I would apologize for my personal idiosyncrasies, but since I am thinking like a lad mag, I am learning to not apologize.

But I needed perspective. I enlisted the help of two unlikely sources: my husband Jim, who's about a Kinsey Zero ("Sorry, I'm just not into dudes," he's always telling me, not that it stops me from asking for a manwich), and my best friend, who is a cat-loving soft butch into Farscape and Linux distros. I figured I'd get some unusual suggestions to consider. When they were right, they were really really right: men sexually powerful enough to actually switch your team. When they were wrong, they were really really wrong. ("I might switch for Daniel Day-Lewis," Jim offered, channeling Libby Gelman-Waxner, while "Aunt K" more sensibly suggested Ben Browder.) My mom offered the usuals--Johnny Depp, Christian Bale--but she's really an Orly girl.

These three guys made the cut.

1. Guys who save people from flaming wreckage

The hottest thing any human being do is pull somebody out of flaming wreckage, and I don't mean just literally hot because the wreckage is flaming. Especially in Hollywood, where the drivers all seem to be plowing into objects, people, and each other while the witnesses take pictures. Some nights I still dream of Mark Harmon smashing me out of my station wagon (sometimes it's on fire, sometimes it's just filthy with fruit-snack wrappers and dirty sports bottles) with a sledgehammer from his garage. Even Werner Herzog is sexier for having rescued Joaquin Phoenix from a Sunset Boulevard rollover. If you have ever pulled anyone out of flaming wreckage, you belong at the top of this list, and you deserve a nice manwich.

2. Foreign dudes named Hugh

Foreign dudes named Hugh are hot.* They tend to be risk-takers. Like Jackman. Look at him go! If you can box and dress up like this? That's hot. Never underestimate the hotness of versatility. I am not yet decided about Hugh Dancy, whom I saw in bike shorts in The Jane Austen Book Club. He needs to get on some gold lamé and host the Tonys before I can be sure, or else pull someone from flaming wreckage.

3. Jason Goddamn Bateman (actually, his middle name is "Kent")

Back in the Day, when all the little hetero girls were into Ricky Schroeder on the cover of Dynamite (which mislabeled Schroeder "the star of Silver Spoons" in April 1983), I liked the snarky asshole kid with the spinoff nobody watched. Not even Teen Wolf Too could destroy The Bateman. He passes the short-shorts test (as in, not afraid to wear them). He's squinty and has dimples and good hair. (Hot.) He remembers to shave, mostly. He's even good, quite good, in mediocre ensemble product like Dodgeball and Smokin' Aces, and of course I like to take down my Arrested Development DAILY, when possible.

I know what you're thinking: JUST THREE? Listen, we could be here all day if we wanted to, but I think it's probably time I shut my trap and let The People have the final say about who is Teh Sexy.

So... who would make your personal Top 3 Mostest Sexiest list?

Comments

[Melissa]

Amen, amen aaaaand AMEN (thought I was the only one looking at Mr. Bateman while Tiger Beat was covering his co-star back in the day...). I'd add Gabriel Byrne for all the reasons you stated.

[Maxine Dangerous]

I recently saw Bateman in "The Ex" (lovelovelovedit) and was reminded of how pretty he is and how big a crush I used to have on him. Good choices! :)

[Amy]

Not only did I *watch* "It's Your Move," I didn't even have to click on your link to remember the name. I also am occasionally heard to utter the words "dregs of humanity."

[Amy]

Oh, and Jason Bateman had aged so so so so so so much better than "Rick" Schroeder!

[BaltimoreGal]

Oh, I too remember "It's Your Move"! I loved that show. He was a HUGE teen crush for me.

Can we just assume that Matthew McCounaghey is above these lists?

I like my guys a little on the "more manly" side and not so much the thin rocker type. I like a grown man, so to speak- one who knows himself. Preferably one who can handle smart women.

My first choice is John Cusack. The kickboxing scenes in Say Anything and the fighting in Grosse Point Blank? HOT. Plus UNBELIEVABLE taste in music, and smart.

Russell Crowe- such an amazing actor. So passionate, and I believe misunderstood. And hot? Oh, yes. He practically burned up the screen in The Sum of Us and L.A. Confidential.

Jon Stewart. Funny is sexy when it's done right- he is just cute and charming and smart! Plus he's not afraid to say what he thinks, and I respect that.

[The Muse]

My Top 3?
- Ben Affleck: love his dimples, and smile, and hair, and... *swoon*
- Clive Owen: The rugged-sexy is so HOT, and his voice, well, yum.
- Christian Bale: Scary, skinny, scruffy... I'll take him anyway I can get him.

[Cheryl]

1. James Franco
2. Gerard Butler (BaltimoreGal, check that for your manly-sexy)
3. Toss up between Hugh Jackman and Ashton Kutcher

[Dianne]

John Krasinski
Scott Foley (especially with longer hair)
Josh Hartnett

And I do agree that Jason Bateman is just about as GORGEOUS as they come.

[zootjustzoot]

Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs - muscles, brains, funny, and an awesome baritone. As my bff Kay would say, "he makes my panties breathe"

Clive Owen - hot AND smart

Mark Harmon - I'm with you, Marrit!

*fans self*