The Five Unsexiest Men Alive

   

SJP? Really?

So like teenage dorks with a slam book, the wankers at Maxim have decreed The Five Unsexiest Women Alive. What better way to prove you're Such the Pimps than picking on a crack addict, Sandra Oh, and Whatever Britney Spears Is Now?

"Why do y'all do this to us?" I asked my husband, who was sitting on the toilet. He hadn't heard of the list because he's not a Maxim-reading douchebag. "It hurts us all and reduces individual guys' chances of getting laid."

He wiped, looking thoughtful. "Women don't talk about unsexy men?"

"No." I spat out my toothpaste. We don't. Google "unsexy women list" and you'll get 88,100 hits. Google "unsexy men list" and you'll get a list of 100 guys compiled by two dudes at the Boston Phoenix. If women do indeed sit around bonding over unfuckable male celebrities, I have never been invited; if I were, I wouldn't go. (Are the drinks free?) We might sit around bonding over the perfection of Matthew McConaughey's hair, but we don't single out ugly and unfortunate men and laugh at them. That's just cold. Demeaning to us all. The opposite of appreciating beauty.

I figured I'd try it out to see how it felt to be on the other side.

1. Tom Cruise

It's never been about the rumors. (They don't seem to hurt Jake.) It's about the couch jumping and the home sonogram, the silent birthing, and the way you just know from his sinister, vulpine face and perpetually-disapproving waggling finger that this guy is Gaslight material. And apparently he stalks Scarlett Johansson like any other loser. As sexy as having your membranes stripped by an obstetrician or midwife (you have my permission to scream your ass off during that procedure).

2. Criss Angel

This manwhore magician (pardon, illusionist) always seems to have stopped by Mystic Tan on the way home from Hot Topic, and his "wonder" face looks like an attack of palsy. Can he do "Blue Steel" and "Le Tigre"? Strangely, Angel is often styled and posed like a Maxim girl, thrusting his hairless sculpted-plastic android torso against a wind machine that flutters his piecey coiffure (Miss Clairol's 52D Black Azure?) like raven feathers. Peter Criss is sexier. How did the already-giggly Cameron Diaz keep from laughing?

3. The Baldwin Brothers

Remember when a "total Baldwin" was a hot guy? Alec is great on 30 Rock, but listen to his rant at daughter Ireland (the "thoughtless little pig") and feel your uterus prolapse all over again. Second scion Daniel makes Britney and La Lohan look like driving instructors and winners at rehab. Reality-show vet and runt of the litter Stephen went fundie and turned Bush advisor. In middle age all the Baldwins have pinked up to the color of fine Virginia ham, and if Pam Grier is "keg-shaped" these boys are tower silos.

4. Tie: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove

Proving that power is not an aphrodisiac, these doughy, overfed homunculi stand out among the war profiteers, dry drunks, and closet-case airport Romeos as particularly unsexy Republicans. They have the elephantine ears and undefined necks of dirty old great-uncles but somehow manage to look like babies. When my son was learning words, he'd point to Texas Monthly with Rove on the cover and say, "Baby," so even actual babies are fooled. I can't imagine having sex with Dick Cheney, but I suppose he'd shoot a woman in the face and have a heart attack, then go into hiding.

5. Tie: Dov Charney and Joe Francis

   

You probably knew these guys were scumbags, but did you know American Apparel CEO Dov Charney, who likes to waggle his junk at female reporters like a toddler who's just learned to take off his pants, actually looks like a desiccated old-timey circus strongman who's just jauntily dismounted a hiwheel? And that Girls Gone Wild guy Joe Francis is kind of like Tony Danza on novocaine?

Unsexy also-rans:
Kevin Federline, Pete Doherty, Mel Gibson, Governor Rick Perry, Phil Spector, Bill O'Reilly, Carrot Top, ZZ Top, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Seagal, Ted Haggard, Larry the Cable Guy, Rick Salomon, and MamaPop favorite Don Vito.

Next week: Who's sexy? The answers may surprise you.

Comments

[Nic]

The good news is that it's lunch time and after seeing these pictures all together I don't think I'll be able to keep food down. So Marrit is helping my diet, yay!

[joy]

oh lady, that is seriously hilarious. i think the dudes from Fox news could all go on there. Pat Roberts, O' Reilly.

Arnold Shwartzenegger.

Hmm. I smell Mamapop Poll!

[Amanda]

Actually, the SJP thing doesn't surprise me. Every straight guy I know has always expressed confusion at her appeal. I think she's adorable, but most guys I know always found her least appealing among the SaTC gals. Don't know why that is, but it was always a consensus...

[Nic]

Th SJP thing didn't surprise me either. I think she's become more physically appealing as she aged, but her character on SATC was freaking obnoxious. I never understood the character's appeal. I still don't.

[Vicki]

Marrit - You are awesome! I sort of always thought that women never came up with an un-sexiest men list cause, uh, there's so many to choose from? Cause we're the more attractive sex and all?

[Maxine Dangerous]

If SJP and Charlize Theron (Esquire's most recent Sexiest Woman Alive) have lunch together, will it cause a rip in the space/time continuum? ;)

I never got SJP's appeal and thought her outfits on SaTC were beyond ridiculous, but I'd hate to be at the top of that list. Ouch. Reminds me of college when a guy told me I was rated a three on a scale of 1-10. Thanks, d!ckmuffin. You're not so hot yourself.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Women don't normally make lists of unsexy men because as the sexual underclass, we're supposed to be far too busy worrying about our own fuckability than to think about turning the tables on douchebags like the ones who run Maxim.

P.S. "Dickmuffin"!!

[Nic]

I agree Maxine, it would suck donkeyballs to actually be on the list.

[Mightydeni]

Marrit, Women may not sit around compiling lists of unsexy guys, generally, but apparently we have no qualms about jumping on the bandwagon when the boys do it to other women.

ahhh, humans.

[Tere]

Dude, how about Michael Jackson??? Or are we not qualifying him as a man anymore?

[Suzy Q]

Yeah, what Maxine said up there in her second paragraph. I, um, second it.

Michael Jackson is neither human, nor a man, and therefore not on this list.

Also, it pains me to say this, but that is the best picture I've ever seen of Dick Cheney. Not that I'd fuck him!

That Criss Angel freak seriously squicks me out. What a poseur.

[tvaddict]

I think the Maxim list is just awful. Could you image being on it. jeez....there really is no need for it.

[AmandaB]

I would seriously have to add Dane Cook (?) the pseudo comic. He just irritates the bejezus out of me. Those commercials during the world series and play offs drove me over the edge.

[BaltimoreGal]

EXXXXcellent list! I whole-heartedly agree on all counts. I might have made Criss Angel tied with David Copperfield, but that's just some kinda twisted father-son thing (and my well-documented hatred of magicians).

[supertiff]

that maxim article pissed me right off. if i was slightly more ambitious, i would have blogged about it myself.
instead, i say: amen, sister!

p.s. your entire list was spot-on, but numbers four and five seriously make me want to vomit. also, i'm hung over. so that may be happening very soon.

[jenB]

Mrs. Kennedy: WORD.