Beckham's Tractor Exhaust Pipe: It's Real, And It's Spectacular

Victoria Beckham, ever the lady, is denying claims that her husband's bulge - on full, glorious display on an Armani underwear billboard near you - was stuffed, fluffed or digitally enhanced:

"I'm proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion. He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"

Which is, of course, what every girl dreams of, right?

Thanks for sharing, Vic, but I didn't really need to know that. It never occurred to me that David Beckham's bulge - which he shows off, it seems, at every opportunity - was not real (it did occur to me, as it did to the good people at Dlisted, that it was a bizarrely spherical bulge, but I didn't lose sleep over it.)

Now, however, that the thought has been put into my head, I cannot keep myself from examining the bulge for signs of suspicious fluffing and pondering completely unnecessary questions about penises and the digital arts and, um, tractors (is the bulge spherical because they did stuff his man-panties? how does one digital enhance a penis? do digital artists get paid more for fiddling with genitalia? if they did enhance it, why would they enhance it round? Do tractor exhaust pipes get bunched up into large round balls?) That, and thinking about the Beckhams' sex life, which I did not need, because it just messes with my head and grosses me out a little - because, if you must know, I imagine that their copulatory efforts are very much in the manner of a life-size Barbie and Ken doll, smacking plastic parts and just generally banging uselessly together (I know, they have kids, so something must get through, but still), and now I have to contend with tractor exhaust pipes being thrown into that image and it's all just a bit much.

Comments

[Amanda]

If only she had said, "It's the underwear. They make it look bigger," Armani would be SELLING OUT of those things. Ka-ching!

[Liana]

Amanda, you are SO right!!

[Anna]

That Vickie...she is just so darn classy!

[veronica]

I'm sure her mother is very happy to know that her daughter is well taken care of!

[sweetney]

i almost choked on my english muffin just reading the title of this post. god i love you, catherine.

[Suzy Q]

Wow. I have a headache just thinking about all this. "Spherical" package? Um...hmmm...outta words here. Except to say, I still think those panties are mostly full of balls.

[Nic]

You just cracked me right the hell up.

Wasn't there a pic of him totally nude floating around on the net? If I remember correctly, this could be nicely proportionate...

[Trish]

Suzy Q --- ha, ha, ha! Full of balls. Great line - especailly with all of the Christmas balls out there now! I'll never look at one the same way again.