Coming Soon To An eBay Auction Near You: One Slightly Used Former Sitcom Star

BREAKING NEWS: Gary Coleman just got married.

You know? Gary Coleman? Diff'rent Strokes? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? C'mon. You know that you had a Diff'rent Strokes poster in your locker. I did. I had the hots for Mr. Drummond. (I also had a bit of a grade-school girl crush on Kimberly so that was a little confusing.)

Anyhoo.

So Gary - who, you will note, is like 40-something and looking a little grizzled these days - oh, and, also? not so tall - just married Shannon Price, who is 22 years old and not-so-grizzled and not-so-short. But no short jokes, please. Shannon won't have any of it: “He was ten feet tall to me because he was sweet and I really liked his personality.  That doesn’t really matter to me."

Which seems sweet and all, but I just don't trust her. Shannon's an 'e-Bayer,' which I presume means someone who buys and sells shit on e-Bay, and Gary wants her to get famous for her superlative e-Bay skills - "She’s a great e-Bayer. She’s a fabulous e-Bayer. I hope she gets famous for that”  - which is nice and all, but does he not see the writing on the wall? Six-foot-tall fanatic e-Bayer marries really tiny seventies TV-sitcom star? She doesn't look at him and see a few feet of sweetness: she looks at him and sees '1970's TELEVISION MEMORABILIA "Diffrent Strokes" star w/ orig pckging STARTING BID US$99.00 ships worldwide.'