Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt Single-Handedly Ruin Valentine's Day For Entire Universe, Forever

And no, I'm in no way overstating the matter. AT ALL.

Listen, I know Valentine's Day was last week, and maybe this counts as old news. But given my epic hatred of them, I just couldn't sit by silently without saying to you, mah betches, who I know will feel me and understand where I'm coming from when I say: OH MY GOD, CAN YOU EVEN EFFING BELIEVE WHAT REPULSIVE DUMBASSES THESE TWO ARE? Seriously, if there was an award for least convincing couple -- OR most staged photo-op -- these two would be walking away with THE GOLD, people. SO. DAMN. GROSS.

And as if the roses and champagne on a yacht tableau pictured above weren't cliched and pedestrian enough...

...they of course had to add (eyeroll) strawberries and chocolate into the mix. As if just to ensure my utter disdain and contempt. AND LO, I WAS FILLED WITH HATE. AND VOMIT. LOTS AND LOTS OF VOMIT.

"Like, OMG, fancy stripper heels! Just what I always wanted! Let me make an absurd Bozo The Clown Face to telegraph my approval!"

Oh yes yes yes, I'm quite sure they're Jimmy Choos -- because obvious douchebags like these know nothing if they don't know brand names and their value as vulgar status symbols -- but it matters not. They still suck. The shoes AND the people. ESPECIALLY the people.

/HATE.