Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt Single-Handedly Ruin Valentine's Day For Entire Universe, Forever

And no, I'm in no way overstating the matter. AT ALL.

Listen, I know Valentine's Day was last week, and maybe this counts as old news. But given my epic hatred of them, I just couldn't sit by silently without saying to you, mah betches, who I know will feel me and understand where I'm coming from when I say: OH MY GOD, CAN YOU EVEN EFFING BELIEVE WHAT REPULSIVE DUMBASSES THESE TWO ARE? Seriously, if there was an award for least convincing couple -- OR most staged photo-op -- these two would be walking away with THE GOLD, people. SO. DAMN. GROSS.

And as if the roses and champagne on a yacht tableau pictured above weren't cliched and pedestrian enough...

...they of course had to add (eyeroll) strawberries and chocolate into the mix. As if just to ensure my utter disdain and contempt. AND LO, I WAS FILLED WITH HATE. AND VOMIT. LOTS AND LOTS OF VOMIT.

"Like, OMG, fancy stripper heels! Just what I always wanted! Let me make an absurd Bozo The Clown Face to telegraph my approval!"

Oh yes yes yes, I'm quite sure they're Jimmy Choos -- because obvious douchebags like these know nothing if they don't know brand names and their value as vulgar status symbols -- but it matters not. They still suck. The shoes AND the people. ESPECIALLY the people.

/HATE.

Comments

[kaelak]

Those are some seriously ugly shoes.

[Suzy Q]

GAWD. My hatred of these two ALSO knows no bounds. Their lives are just so damn scripted. I feel sorry for the underpaid (and probably nauseous all the time) lackeys who have to constantly set them up for their photo shoots, er lives. You just KNOW that neither of these two had anything to do with getting all the props set up.

I hope she gets blisters from those damn ugly shoes and that he's allergic to strawberries.

[kdiddy]

pssh. those are some Chinese Laundry shoes. Candies AT BEST. fuck I hate those two.

[Ava Von Snarky]

It looks like the paparazzi that they paid to shoot their "rendevous" had the perfect seat in the house. They make me sick. How much you want to bet that the boat is still tied to the dock.

[Amy]

These two make me barf and these pictures are horrible. ALMOST as horrible as that video of hers.

[Sadie]

What kind of people exchange cliche Valentine's gifts on a yacht, arranged just so that it maximizes a photo op??! These people are appalling and pathetic and I wish they fell overboard. Though, sadly, Heidi's flotation devices would surely keep her above water.

Oh, and nice sneakers, Spencer Pratt.

[Nic]

I'm pretty much against violence, but if those two were shot, I really wouldn't mind.

[Faith]

Stop making me throw up before breakfast...it ruins my morning cappuccino.
These two need to be put out of my misery and pronto. After her talent show audition that came out I didn't think things could get much worse...How I underestimated this craptacular duo. Not that this is nearly as bad as her singing, but at least with that you can put it on mute and you don't have to look at him.

[Sils]

If there was any justice in the world the boat would have sank.

[Liana]

Look at those two! Awwww.

Oh wait, I mean EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Barf. Also, blech.

They probably had a little checklist o' cliches to make sure they wouldn't miss any...but those shiny stripper heels sure add the finishing touch, don't they!

And I agree that other people got their props all set up for them. Just, ew.

[BaltimoreGal]

Wanna barf some more?
Spencer on Heidi's Album: 'Madonna, Eat Your Heart Out' (People Magazine)
"When people hear what we have in the bank, it's gonna blow their minds," her manager-beau boasted. "Madonna, eat your heart out. Britney Spears, eat your heart out. I would say we have diamond records coming – they're gonna sell 10-million plus."
Despite the critical reception of her first single, Montag is set to record a follow-up next weekend.
Pratt, who directed "Higher," said he's handing over the reins to Paul "Coy" Allen, who helmed "Give it to Me" with Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. (Not to worry Pratt fans: He promised he'd also release his own alternate version.)
"We're financing [the album] ourselves on a shoestring budget," Pratt said. "It's so organic. And this is just the warm-up. We're just heating up the water in the bathtub. It's gonna get hot!"

[Amy H]

Amazing how she pulled the shoes out and had the front of the shoe pointed directly at the camera rather than her face. And the box top had the designer name facing the camera so you could clearly see...

And maybe it is just the Texan in me, but why in the world would you buy your sweetheart shoes for Valentine's Day? Is that a NY and LA thing that I just can't relate to?

[b]

My husband is CONVINCED Spence-buddy is gay. He said, "What guy works that hard for a girl he's already banging? She's more than a meal ticket, she's proving something for him."

I'm inclined to agree. After all, my romantically straight husband handed me a card and told me he would have brought me breakfast in bed, but he overslept.

And those shoes are horrible.

[Liana]

Isn't also weird how he's never just facing her? They're side by side in one, and he's behind her in the other two- not normal interaction at all---this reminds me of those horrid beach pictures...
Okay, must go cleanse my mind and eyes now...

[MizJawnson]

I'm reminded of a quote from a dear friend: "You ain't even got to put your drink down for that!"

I can't find that shoe on Jimmy Choo's website. However, if I had enough money to afford champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, paparrazi, and a flippin' yacht, I would want to upgrade from my $2 WalMart flipflops too.

[Carrie]

She's wearing $5 PINK Old Navy flip flops while she pulls the "Jimmy Choo's" out of the box. UGH, disgusting couple.

[Sally]

Everything these 2 do is just for show. I agree...Spence is probably gay, and Heidi is completely fake.

[jodifur]

I have never seen an episode of the show they are one and I hate them.

I have never seen a picture of her where her boobs are not hanging out. It's just so unattractive.

[mrsgryphon]

These 2 need to take some lessons from Goldie and Kurt.

[DianaCLT]

Also - the roses? Who holds a bouquet of roses like that? Ever heard of a vase, assholes? My one hope is that the roses weren't completely de-thorned, and one of her flotation devices - er - silicone orbs - was popped just after the last photo was shot.

[Christy]

It's sad how much I know about these two considering I don't watch the Hills. I never see him photographed from behind, like he's actually facing her and paying attention to her. He's always standing behind or to the side so he gets a good camera angle too. Ick.

[supertiff]

i especially like how he holds the box top up perfectly, like: "hey! look! these are jimmy choo's, ya'll!"