Dear Ethan Hawke: Reality Bites

I've never liked Ethan Hawke. He has the scruffy, watery-eyed look of a guy who doesn't think that women deserve the courtesy of his cleanliness because, you know, he's an artist and he's special and, hey, so what if he doesn't shower or keep his hands off other women? His artistic soul, it yearns to be free, and women love that shit.

But Uma, bless her overblessed heart, didn't love it so much, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't cheer a little bit when she kicked his greasy, cheating, bad-novel-writing ass to the curb. I KNEW he was scumbag, and, thankfully, so did she.

We knew better than we knew, Uma and me. Because not only had Ethan been sharing his artistic soul with other women - including, probably, the nanny, who he later proceeded to knock up - he had been baring that soul in his songwriting, with lovely ditties that might as well have been named "My Stupid Wife Hates Me" and "My Hater Wife Has Left Me And I Hate Her" and - destined for the Ethan Hawke Classics Collection - "My Wife Is A Big Fat Beast."

According to a writer for New York Magazine, Ethan Hawke made a surprise appearance at the Atlantic Theater on St. Patrick's day, jumping onstage with his GEE-tar and dipping into his back catalogue of previously unheard Ethan Hawke classic trax:

Out of nowhere, actor Ethan Hawke hopped up onstage, strapped on an acoustic guitar and bared his soul to the audience. "Someone I know wrote this song while shooting a movie in Paris during his divorce," he said. We, along with the rest of the audience, gasped. He was totally talking about himself, and more important, Uma Thurman! Wait, but didn't they get divorced seventeen years ago? Who cares, we said to ourselves, because by the way, Ethan looks good. He proceeded to sing a ditty that included lyrics about "not caring if [he] ever saw New York again," "the lawyers," and — most telling — "my wife." Uma! "My wife hates me," he sang, adding something about how she would call him a prick, how he longed to send for his children, tralalala singing stuff. We were intoxicated, both with beverages and with memories of Dead Poets Society. And then! "My wife is a big fat beast," he sang. We gasped, along with the rest of the audience. He called Uma fat! In public! Sheepishly, Hawke broke his musicianly stride: "Yeah, I was very upset at the time."

I don't know what I find more surprising about this story: that Ethan Hawe could call Uma Thurman a 'big fat beast' with a straight face, or that the writer of this story could possibly think that Ethan Hawke is 'intoxicating.' Somebody was obviously serving pints of Crazy Beer chased with shots of Delusional Sauce at that gig.

And I'll bet that somewhere? Uma is sorry that she missed it. NOT.

Source

Comments

[April]

I have tried to like Ethan Hawke - although I'm not quite sure why. Loved Reality Bites as a teenager but watched it again recently and wondered why Winona ended up with Troy the Ass. Bought his book in college and even went to a reading and signing he did. He read, then proceeded to act bothered by all of the you know, people, who showed up to watch him read his crappy creative wrtiting 101 assignment. He was so rude and trying so very hard to be the "artist who is way deeper than any of you people." So goodbye Hottest State and Reality Bites and good luck with that music career. Ha!

[April]

I have tried to like Ethan Hawke - although I'm not quite sure why. Loved Reality Bites as a teenager but watched it again recently and wondered why Winona ended up with Troy the Ass. Bought his book in college and even went to a reading and signing he did. He read, then proceeded to act bothered by all of the you know, people, who showed up to watch him read his crappy creative wrtiting 101 assignment. He was so rude and trying so very hard to be the "artist who is way deeper than any of you people." So goodbye Hottest State and Reality Bites and good luck with that music career. Ha!

[Amalah]

I like Adam Sandler's song to Linda in The Wedding Singer way better.

[sweetney]

god what a doucebag. i'm now adding hawke to my ever-expanding list of people i'd like to punch in the face.

[BaltimoreGal]

April, I'm glad your post repeated because it totally spared me from writing a lot of those things. And I, personally, would like to kick him in the nuts.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Ethan needs to take a lesson in humility from whatshisface, the guy who divorced Emma Thompson -- Kenneth Branagh! Who acted like a dick and then after the divorce acted like a gentleman and said IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. And everyone said, YES, IT WAS, NOW GO MAKE MORE MOVIES AND WE WON'T HATE YOU TOO MUCH. Ethan needs to take heed, it may already be too late.

[jay]

He's always struck me as the reason movies aren't scratch'n'sniff. Although, I guess it would be a good cautionary tale for those youngsters who think hygiene is optional.

[jodifur]

Amy-you should see it in Wedding Singer, the musical. It is hysterical!

[NINA]

I think bullshit people to talk about persons that they don't know. Uma's a great actress and Ethan too. That's enough! Anybody know what they think. Anybody know what happened. Talk, talk, talk... It's waste time.

[Monica]

I remember that Uma said recently "if anything to happen my married it's my fault". So...

[Nina38]

Who don't like Ethan Hawke...Don't know what is good. He is a intelligent man. He is a loving man. He is a talented actor and writer. He is a beautiful man. He is a careful dad. He is a great son. After all, he is an adorable man.

[Magda]

I have seen Ethan in several places and he is always careful with persons. He seems a normal person no a celebrity so...That's why very persons don't like of Ethan. I don't believe he is rude but, I believe that persons talk bad words about him because they love Uma and they don't forgive what he did. Back then Uma said "if anything to happen my married it's my fault"...So...

[Sueli]

Yeah! I remember when Uma said "if anything to happen my married it's my fault". If even Uma admit why everybody blaming only Hawke?