DEAR HULKY!

Hulk, I need help. I'm trying to become pregnant but I don't ovulate much. I have to take my temperature first thing every morning to help the doctor figure out what's going wrong, but I can't! It takes me ages to become fully conscious in the morning, and I really have to do it FIRST THING. I keep falling asleep with the thermometer in my mouth, forgetting the number, writing down an indecipherable number, or getting up to pee before I remember to take my temperature. What should I do to fix this?

Signed, Sleepy

DEAR SLEEPY!

HULK HAVE THIS PROBLEM! SO HARD TO GET UP IN MORNING. THEN HULK STOP DRINKING!

SLEEPY NEED BIG HORRIBLE ADRENALINE RUSH FIRST THING. SLEEPY NEED HATEFUL ALARM CLOCK! HULK SORRY TO RECOMMEND THIS BIG BIRD ALARM CLOCK. HAS BIG OBNOXIOUS BELLS ON TOP, WILL SCARE CRAP OUT OF YOU! PUT IT ACROSS ROOM, YOU LEAP OUT OF BED TO SHUT DAMN THING OFF! THROW IT ON THE FLOOR SMASH! GRRR, NOW YOU AWAKE! TAKE ACCURATE TEMPERATURE.

GOOD LOOK GETTING PREGNANT!

AFTER JUMP, HULK HELP ANNIE LOSE BABY WEIGHT!

Dear Hulk,

I need your advice. Four months ago I gave birth to my son, and this summer I'd really like to look like a Hot Mommy! My only problem is that I have a history of being a complete slacker when it comes to exercising regularly. And I don't have much time, now that I'm taking care of a baby. Oh, and also I have no money to hire a personal trainer or buy a gym membership. So, I guess that would be three problems, really. Anyway, I have to say that I really admire your physique, and wondered what your secret is. I'd particularly like to focus on my abs, arms and legs and yours are fantastic! If you have any helpful tips, I'd appreciate them!

Thanks, Hulk!

Annie

HULK GLAD TO HEAR ANNIE WANT TO GET IN SHAPE! BUT ANNIE NEED TO BE REALISTIC! FIRST LOSE WEIGHT, THEN WORRY ABOUT MUSCLE. YOU GO WALK! ONE HOUR A DAY, PUT BABY IN STROLLER AND WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK! GRRRRR, WALK OFF BABY BUTT! DON'T EXPECT MUSCLES THIS SUMMER, JUST RELAX ABOUT THAT, OKAY? PROMISE? NEXT SUMMER PLENTY OF TIME FOR RIPPED ABS -- YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH TOO SOON YOU FAIL, YOU EAT TO FEEL BETTER, UGH, NOT GOOD. THIS SUMMER YOU JUST WALK, BABY LIKE FRESH AIR, GOOD FOR EVERYONE. AND NO JUNK FOOD! MAYBE SOME PIRATE BOOTY, WHICH HULK FIND DELICIOUS.

Dear Hulk,

Can you tell me please how to keep other people from feeling free to give me advice or sneaking in snarky comments on my wedding plans?

Thanks,
Suze

DEAR SUZE! HULK DISLIKE SNARKY PEOPLE. SNARKY PEOPLE TOO LAZY TO THINK, JUST COMPLAIN. HULK TAKE FINGER AND THUMB, FLICK THEM! HULK FLICK SNARKY PEOPLE ALL DAY, FLICK, FLICK, FLICK.

HOWEVER, IF YOUR HANDS NOT GIANT LIKE HULK'S, SUZE TRY SINCERITY TO SHUT DOWN SNARK. TIME TO ROLE-PLAY!

SNARKY JERK #1: "OH, YOU CHOOSE DUMB COLORS FOR RECEPTION."

SUZE: "YES, ME LOVE DUMB COLORS! THEM FAVORITE COLORS OF BELOVED DEAD GRANDMOTHER WHO STILL WORSHIPED BY KARL LAGERFELD FOR AVANT-GARDE COLOR SENSE."

SNARKY JERK #1: "I FEEL SO ASHAMED."

SNARKY JERK #2: "I THINK SUZE NEED TRAINED MONKEY AS RING BEARER!"

SUZE: "THAT LOVELY SUGGESTION, THANK YOU."

SNARKY JERK #2: "I WAS KIDDING. YOU'RE STUPID."

SUZE: "I WILL USE YOUR NEPHEW AS RING BEARER, HE LOOK EXACTLY LIKE LITTLE CHIMP!"

SNARKY JERK #2: "I HATE MYSELF FOR MOCKING YOU."

SEE, SUZE? SINCERITY. THANK PEOPLE FOR STUPID SUGGESTIONS, THEN DO WHAT YOU WANT. IT WORK FOR HULK! HULK HOPE YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

NEXT WEEK: OLD BOYFRIEND! NOISY GUITAR! SLEEP ISSUES!