First Signs Of Spring, Or Harbingers Of Mutant Evil?

Up here in the wild, frozen north, we Canadians look to the emergence of certain wildlife, as these take their first, tentative steps out from their winter hideaways to frolic and procreate in the melting snow, for evidence of spring. Are the snows behind us? Are the vast ice caps of downtown Toronto receding? Can we, finally, come out of our igloos? To answer these questions, we consult Mother Nature - are the swans marching in Stratford? are the bunnies out in Bowmanville? are the geese humping in Georgetown? - and rejoice when she reveals her feathered and furry and fornicating children in response. Behold, spring is on its way!

However, were we rugged Canadians to be confronted with the kind of mutant monstrosity that emerged during an Easter celebration in Los Angeles this weekend, well, we'd take that as a sign that Mother Nature had been huffing some crack and, probably, go hunting Sphabbit:

Hinterland Who's Who: The Waggle-Assed Sphabbit, native to Southern California but known to make virtual migratory excursions to the Canadian North via interweb, where their strange plumage and mock courting rituals confuse local fauna. For more information contact the Canadian Wildlife Service in Ottawa or Mamapop's International Sphabbit Spotting Specialists.

(Actually, as Canadians, we would demand that the Canadian government conduct a legislatively sanctioned Sphabbit cull, supervised, of course, by the World Wildlife Federation to ensure that no international norms of wildlife protection would be violated. There would also have to be extensive consultation with First Nations communities to ensure that no traditional hunting rights were being trespassed upon, and proposals from the scientific community for government-funded Sphabbit research would of course need to be considered. In the end, we would probably end up tagging them with tracking devices and sending them back across the border, but only after ensuring that they would not be subjected to invasive research or face extinction in their native habitat. Then we would go back to worrying about the seals who are, after all, much cuter than Sphabbits and have Pam Anderson on their side.)

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