Jennifer Lopez Is Training For a Triathalon To Earn Her Newborns' Love

You know, I try very hard to keep my gossip-y posts from veering too much to the dark side of "let's rip this person to shreds! come on, it's fun!" Particularly when it comes to celebrity parenting, because you know, I can bribe my toddler with Cheetos like the best of 'em.

I'm not even close to perfect, although I do pride myself in being a better parent than any of the jackass animals on The Wonderpets, who tend to show up 15 seconds AFTER their offspring has been rescued from mortal danger by a freaking guinea pig, all "dude, I'm back. Did I miss anything?"

You gotta have standards, guys.

ANYWAY. ALL THAT SAID. Jennifer Lopez's parenting is officially making me stabby.

In the interview that went with the $6 million photo-op in People magazine, J-Lo announced her intention to enter a triathlon later this year. Because? She wants her babies to be proud of her.

Proud of her. By entering a triathlon. When they'll be about eight months old. Oh, you're working really hard on sitting up unassisted, kids? That's so sweet. Mama's gonna go swim the English Channel now. BBL.

The National Enquirer says she spent $75,000 on a personal trainer to help her get ready by September or October, via daily workout sessions. And you what? Fine. Freak out over your post-partum body all you want. You've certainly got more of an impetus to get back in shape than say, a mother who sits around and blogs all day. Spend hours every day away from your babies working out. Revel in the massive sense of accomplishment you'll get from one-upping Katie Holmes and her weak-ass marathon that she waited until her kid was a freaking toddler to attempt.

But don't say it's because you want the babies to be proud of you or that you're doing it for them. You're doing it for your own shallow ass, okay?

Cough.

Oh, and while I have nothing but empathy for mothers who can't breastfeed their children (I struggled mightily myself, although PERSONALLY I did find the struggle more than worth it), and I know nursing twins is a demanding task, but this quote?

My mom didn’t breast feed and I think that was the thing for me. You read and figure out what’s the best thing for them.

Again with the "for them" reasoning, but...where exactly did she read that breastfeeding wasn't the best thing for them? Even the back of a can of formula will contradict that.

If I had to make an awful, catty guess about it, I'd say she read an email from her mom that when something like: "I didn't breastfeed you, and other than being an unbelievably self-absorbed prima donna, you turned out just fine!"

(Props to Celebitchy for digging up the pieces of the story, and apologies if my judgey rage overlapped your spot-on commentary.)

Comments

[sweetney]

"$75,000 on a personal trainer"

HEAD? EXPLODED.

[Katie Kat]

Those damn Wonderpets always irritate me. How is it a duck, a guinea pig and a freakin' turtle can build a flying machine and go all over the world to rescue these baby animals, but the parent (who is like 50 feet away, apparently), can't be bothered?

And, what's up with cartoon characters who have speech impediments teaching our children language skills, etc.? Ming ming needs a speech therapist (right along with baby bear on Sesame Street).

Okay, soap box + me = off.

[Girl con Queso]

So 'her love don't cost a thing', but the tiny babies' love costs $75K, a hot bod, and a good finishing time. I see how it is.

[BaltimoreGal]

"I can bribe my toddler with Cheetos like the best of 'em"- is there another way?
I tell my mom I'm sure I would have been an easier child if she had let me have junk food.

[kdiddy]

"And next I'm going to get leather straps installed on their shoulders and Louis Vuitton logos tattooed on their foreheads...because I want them to be proud of me."

[Faith]

$75,000 on a trainer? Some people don't even make that in a year!!!

And if breast feeding isn't the best thing for baby why are all the hospitals staffed with the "Breast Feeding Nazi's"? (You know the one's that hook you up to the super pumper even after your milk won't come in when the baby is about 8 weeks old and you are just bleeding from still trying.)

And why is it that I feel that these babies aren't a cherished part of her life but a HUGE status symbol and excuse to do tons of stupid stuff?

[Maxine Dangerous]

What everyone else said. And her husband is funny looking.

[Suzy Q]

Yeah, her whole "exposition" on breast feeding made my head explode, too. Even I, who has never breast fed (not having had a bambino), knows it's better.

This whole article made me nauseous. Including the photos. Gah.

[Sils]

As someone who works for a formula company, in marketing, even WE say breast is best. Wow.

[Jessica]

Laaaame. I would totally be sympathetic & even buy her next super-studio-mixed album if she just flat out admitted, "I'm freaking out! Twins are a lot of work. I feel fat. I'm too tired and overwhelmed to even attempt to breastfeed two little ones." But I guess the celebrity ego doesn't work that way.

[Sourire11]

Holy. Crap. Everything about that is just wrong. I'm going to guess she's the next celebrity mom in line for a "no wire hangers" type movie.

[Marmite Breath]

I tried not to pick up the People magazine yesterday, I really did. I was in the line at the grocery store and I told myself, "It will just make you ANGRY!" (like Hulk, as it turns out).

I couldn't resist. It was just too tempting.

It made me think that she's even more ridiculous than I previously thought. I just have to tell myself, "I'm earning my parenting stripes every day--she'll never know what it's like to really parent, because you can't parent in couture, and also, you cannot parent while you are trying to protect your twins from their vampire father"

I wouldn't say that I am to the point of wasting my hatred on her, but she's definitely one of those celebrities about whom I think, "Devoid of talent much?"

[chatty cricket]

Oh my God, my poor kids. All I've managed to do is spend every waking minute of my day loving them and nurturing them and teaching them everything I can in an effort to raise well adjusted people.

I need to get on this triathlon bandwagon since extreme shows of athleticism and/or personal accomplishment is truly the way to express your love for newborn children.

[rednexmama]

Oh, come on now, Marmite Breath. Protecting them from their vampire father is probably one of the VERY BEST WAYS to show them love. You know it's true.

[Missie]

Spending your day loving and nuturing your children--puhleeze! What kind of life is that for your kids? If you really loved them, you'd get them a nanny and yourself a personal trainer. And your husband a few pints of O-positive.