More Signs Of The Coming Apocalypse: 90210 Returns, Tori Spelling Asks For Role As MILF

I don't mind so much that they're doing a spin-off of Beverly Hills 90210, even if it is (perhaps because it is) destined to be entirely craptastic in every way. It's just, you know, you can't go back with these things. 90210 was brilliant in its time (OMG is there any North American woman out there who doesn't flash immediately to Kelly and Dylan making out on the beach when Sophie B Hawkins' 'Damn I Wish Was Your Lover' comes on satellite radio?) but it - like any other piece of long-dead night-time serial teen pop opera fluff - cannot, I don't think, weather resuscitation. If you dig it out of its grave, it's just going crumble into grotty little decomposed pieces, or, worse, grunt and grope a bit before strangling the life out of you and biting your face off.

So, although I could see myself watching the entire original series of 90210 (Brenda goes to France and seduces Superman Dean Cain with fake French accent!) on DVD some rainy weekend, I can't really see myself watching its spin-off, which, one imagines, would probably lose the ridiculously awesome After School Special feel of the original and aim to be derivative of The OC. That, and it might have Tori Spelling, all  growed up.

I hate Tori Spelling.

I hated Tori Spellling in the original series, as the good-girl Donna whose supposed good-girl wholesomeness was juxtaposed, alarmingly, against fake tits and a bad bleach job and a never-ending vomit-stream of vapid giggles. I hated her when she waggled her boobies at a B-list Canadian actor (by which I mean, an actor on the Canadian B-list, rather than a Canadian who happens to be Hollywood B-list, which is to say, not Mike Myers. Not even Lorne Greene.) (Lorne Green = original Battlestar Galactica, people. Don't you watch television?) and induced him to leave his wife and young son and newly adopted infant daughter who he thereafter declaimed responsibility for. I hated her even more  when she came to some video awards show thingy in Toronto and demanded that the producers send her hubby's ex-wife (a Canadian celebrity, sort of, in her own right) home because said ex-wife was harshing her silicone mellow. I don't hate her for starting her own stupid reality show about opening a B&B, because the bar for reality TV shows is pretty low, and in any case I expect her to turn up on the Surreal Life any day now and I would totally watch that shiz.

She gave me even more reason to hate her when she said, the other day, that she's a MILF, and that she should get the role of MILF on the new 90210 spin-off. Because, you know, every night-time serial needs a MILF, no? *GAG*

I hate the term MILF, and believe firmly that no woman should ever refer to herself as a MILF because a) the grammar is distorted (seeing as the 'I' in MILF refers to the personal pronoun 'I', and so in self-referencing oneself as a MILF one is saying, in effect, that one would like to f*ck oneself, which in Tori's case, fine, but still, not usually what the speaker is intending) and b) it's called dignity, people. Derive some from something other than the fact that you remain, after childbirth, f*ckable in the eyes of horny TV-addicted guys who would probably f*ck anything anyways.

So, yeah, put Tori Spelling and 'MILF' in the same verbal bed together and I'm immediately skeeved. Which means - getting to my point here FINALLY - that on the subject of a Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off featuring Tori Spelling as resident MILF? WILL NOT WATCH.

Well, probably not.

Comments

[chatty cricket]

She is the antithesis of a MILF. It's just so embarrassing that she would offer herself up as the resident MILF. KELLY Taylor could be the MILF.

[Video Killed The Radio Stars]

Hey I hated Beverly Hills 90210 ... Give me some good old bitchy Alexis and Crystal on Dynasty and I'd be happy!

[Sister Honey Bunch]

I LOVED loved LOVED 90210. Loved it. Still watch it on Soap Net Saturday mornings. Pathetic, I know.

However, I can't stand Tori. At. All.

[BaltimoreGal]

Thank you for expressing my innermost Spellings.

[Jane]

I can't stand Tori Spelling either. She only got into shows because of daddy ~ she looks like a horse!

[Velma]

I could hate Tori for the early years, the bad acting, the bad plastic surgery. I don't, though - look at her life, right? Who wants a mother and father like that, right?

I could hate Tori for the $1M spent on her original wedding, which seemed excessive. Even when it first appeared in the publicity arena, I thought, WTF? Who is this guy, and WTF are they spending so much money on this for? So, okay - whatever....

But what I DO hate Tori for is the whole spectacle of the "new love" she experienced. No one goes to get a new tattoo with a friggin' photographer from US Weekly unless it's all about the publicity. No one gets married in Fiji or wherever without any family or friends but with a full complement of photographers. I just can't get past that - it was just so gross.

So, my .02 cents. Gross, trying to manipulate media, still unattractive, might be a fine mom, but you know? Try to get some sympathy on some sort of actual achievement, okay?