Ali Lohan Hurtles Toward Point of No Return

Oh dear, little Ali Lohan is nearing the celebrity tipping point, at which time all interested Americans will be invited to tune into E! and judge how well she stands up against her hurricane of a stage mother, Dina, on their new reality show, Living Lohan. Does anyone watch these things anymore? I though Ozzie looking for a garbage bag was the apex of the genre, it's been all downhill since that but these families keep flinging themselves in front of the camera so who knows, maybe they'll show us how to do something useful like make microwave popcorn without scorching it.

The fresher news, however, is that People reports that the fourteen-year-old is going to play a "popular high-school senior" in a movie due out this fall.

Either somebody has a lot of faith in the tensile strength of Lindsay's coattails, or they're going to kill her off in the first reel.

It makes sense that Ali's character in the new film, entitled Mostly Ghostly and based on a book in R. L. Stine's popular Goosebumps young adult novel series, will allow her to keep coloring within the lines that Lindsay drew. In blooood!

But she's fourteen, for fuck's sake, let her be fourteen for another minute or two? Please, God, don't paint her up like a twenty-three-year-old trying to look eighteen.

If she gets a boob job for her next birthday I'm going to have to shoot someone.

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