Attention Addict Thrilled For New Excuse To Be On More Magazine Covers

I know, which one of 500 celebrities could I be talking about? My goodness, it's Madonna! Bursting out of her own biceps after too many early-morning pushups. I mean, flexing her enormous ego on the covers of Elle, Elle UK, Vanity Fair, and Interview leading up to the release of her new album, Hard Candy, at the end of the month. I don't know why I'm being so mean, we should all look so fat-free on the cusp of 50, and we all might if punishing our bodies were our full-time job. Oh, THAT's why I'm being so mean.

That and the fact that after watching her act like a brat for 90 minutes 17 years ago in Truth or Dare I can't imagine willingly reading an interview with her, but I'LL TAKE THAT BULLET FOR YOU.

No, actually, you have to read the first paragraph of the Vanity Fair piece for yourself:

"As she nears 50, Madonna’s narrative is shifting. Yes, there’s another new super-pop album, Hard Candy, with Justin Timberlake and Pharrell Williams. But there’s also Filth and Wisdom, the feature film she’s co-written, produced, and directed, and I Am Because We Are, her documentary on Malawi, the aids-ravaged country where she controversially adopted her third child. Whisked to L.A. for an intense prep session, followed by an almost two-hour interview, the author explores the evolution of the Madonna myth as she harnesses her image-making genius to a cause, a philosophy, and the search for her true self."

That's it! I can't read any further, VF just sucked her dick so hard her prostate popped out. You're better off going to look at the slideshow of all ten of the covers they put her on. Watch her baby fat melt in slow motion.

Things are worse over at Elle, though:

"On the plane, I make a complete spectacle of myself by sobbing all the way through the 80-minute documentary I Am Because We Are. Madonna produced this devastatingly powerful film to highlight the plight of the orphaned and HIV-afflicted population of Malawi. . . . After a recuperative nap, I plug in Hard Candy, Madonna's new CD, and indulge in a session of age-inappropriate jiggling. As I groove and shimmy . . . a serious thought occurs to me: Could it be that Madge has made the transition from diva to deity?"

Holy shit, really? Deity? That survived to the final draft?

The full Elle UK article isn't online, but People quotes from it, saying how Madonna and husband Guy Ritche still have sex so incredible that she wrote a song about it. A song called "Incredible."

“Sex with Guy is incredible. . . . And surprise, surprise, it’s his favorite song on the album. Actually, maybe it’s not his favorite song, but it’s definitely his favorite line.”

Actually, maybe just trying to squelch those divorce rumors.

Source

Comments

[Poppy Buxom]

I can't decide who is the bigger ho: Madonna or Vanity Fair.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

The whole thing is just gross.

[Sils]

Say what you want, the woman is marketing genius.

And I would sell my soul to be as fit as her, and I'm only 30.

[Marmite Breath]

She was my idol when I was a kid/teenager/youngmama, and now, even though I love her ability to change with the times and roll with the punches, her voice and her mystical personality and her UGLY ARMS make me barf.

(but I still love you, Madge, and if you phoned me tomorrow, i'd meet you for coffee and to get you to sign my albums)

[b]

She's more full of herself with each passing year. I'm proud to say I've NEVER been a fan.

[chatty cricket]

Um, I'm also thrilled that a "recuperative nap" was all it took for Rich Cohen (the author of the VF article) to recover from sobbing through the 80 minute "devastatingly powerful film to highlight the plight of the orphaned and HIV-afflicted population of Malawi."

I mean, we wouldn't want the film to make a last impression or anything.