Stuff My Hairdresser Swears Is True (But Probably Isn’t)
Authored by Super Special Guest Poster and Honorary MamaPop Betch, Jenny of The Bloggess
Sweetney asked if I wanted to write something for MamaPop, and I figured she must be high because all I know about celebrity gossip is the rambling diatribe I pick up from my hairdresser who probably needs medication... but then I realized that I *did* actually have something to share.
Stuff my hairdresser swears is true but probably isn’t:
Britney Spears is pregnant.
Ellen Degeneres is pregnant.
Angelina Jolie is not pregnant but is faking being pregnant because she wants to adopt some white babies and feels guilty about it.
The chick that plays Hermione Granger is secretly 39 years old and stays young-looking by bathing in pig placentas. Also, she’s pregnant.
The Iron Man movie was based on a true story being suppressed by the US Government. In fact, the whole thing was funded by the Department of Homeland Security so that when you complain to the police about how Iron Man is wire-tapping you without a search warrant they will just think you’re drunk again.
“The Office” is a real documentary and the people who are on it don’t realize that they are on TV.
Kirstie Alley is actually skinny and just wears fat suits for attention.
Mary Kate Olsen is not actually related to Ashley. When Ashley's mom realized that she was sitting on a goldmine she adopted another baby who looked just like Ashley so could charge “Full House” double the money. Then when the girls got older one of them started looking different so she had to have plastic surgery which accidentally damaged her “smiling muscles”. Now the other one doesn’t smile either so it won’t look suspicious.
Kirsten Dunst is narcoleptic and is never more than 70% awake at any time.
Kirsten Dunst used to be a man.
Kirsten Dunst had the vampire teeth she used in “Interview with a Vampire” surgically implanted in her jaw to remind herself never to work with Tom Cruise again.
Kirsten Dunst is pregnant.
. . . . .
Please visit Jenny at The Bloggess
If you liked this post, please support us by sharing it:
« Photo in Search of a Caption: Fergie | Main | Jessica Alba and Cash Warren Are Married! »
Does your hairdresser give a good cut? Does she have any openings?
Posted by: WabiSabiLife | May 21, 2008 at 10:26 AM
I love this post! :)
Also, I believe the narcolepsy - it has to be true, KD can't act her way out of a paper bag.
Posted by: Jenn | May 21, 2008 at 11:18 AM
Some of you may not know this, but Jenny the Bloggess is the world's foremost expert on ninjas.
Posted by: Missie | May 21, 2008 at 11:35 AM
Kirstie's not pregnant? Woohoo - That just means I am off the hook!
Posted by: Chris C. | May 21, 2008 at 11:42 AM
That is so true about Iron Man. They DO think you are drunk if you keep calling.
Posted by: ben | May 21, 2008 at 11:43 AM
In the Iron Man sequel, he gets pregnant.
Posted by: Noelle | May 21, 2008 at 11:46 AM
nonono that stuff about MK and Ashley Olsen is NOT true.
One of them is actually a hologram.
Posted by: Jenny | May 21, 2008 at 11:47 AM
This is such a great post, especially about the Olsens.
Posted by: Nic | May 21, 2008 at 11:53 AM
Damn every body is pregnant.. what about Amy Winehouse? I heard she is actually an alien.
Posted by: mp | May 21, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Hilarious. On so many levels.
Posted by: Carrie | May 21, 2008 at 12:02 PM
Bring on more Bloggess!
Posted by: anglophilefootballfanatic | May 21, 2008 at 12:05 PM
KD's teeth are pregnant with Tom Cruise's baby.
Posted by: Tootsie Farklepants | May 21, 2008 at 12:23 PM
God you're a riot.
Posted by: mary | May 21, 2008 at 12:32 PM
I guess I'm OK with Robert Downey, Jr. illegally wire-tapping me.
Posted by: Lauren | May 21, 2008 at 01:06 PM
Oh, Jenny, you forgot that little blond chick, um ... Dakota Fanning also pregnant as is Bill Cosby.
Posted by: Robin | May 21, 2008 at 01:09 PM
This is a really unbelievably wonderful post. I totally want your hairdresser. Except I can't completely give up mine because she feeds me wine while she cuts my hair.
I think she is onto something with that Angelina Jolie thing.
Posted by: Nora Bee | May 21, 2008 at 01:12 PM
Oh my word, you are truly the funniest person ever! I love this post!!
Posted by: Melody | May 21, 2008 at 01:43 PM
I'm wearing a fat suit for attention, too.
Posted by: Jennifer H | May 21, 2008 at 02:17 PM
Wow, you really are going to get sued. For having the courage to write the TRUTH. I am sure you'll wear your martyrdom well.
Posted by: sgazzetti | May 21, 2008 at 02:30 PM
I think we go to the same hairdresser.
Posted by: janet | May 21, 2008 at 02:41 PM
I want those vampire teeth.
Posted by: Katherine Center | May 21, 2008 at 02:54 PM
I need to start going to your hairdresser, obviously.
Posted by: Kyla | May 21, 2008 at 03:34 PM
This post is EXACTLY why I'm going to get caught in my blog reading on company time. It is IMPOSSIBLE to laugh silently at this point!!
Posted by: Lori | May 21, 2008 at 04:50 PM
OK, but how's your hair look?
Posted by: ThatGirl | May 21, 2008 at 08:44 PM
Pregnant.
Posted by: Jenny, Bloggess | May 21, 2008 at 10:29 PM