Did the Bratz Dolls get ahold of Strawberry Shortcake?

I firmly believe that toy manufacturers will not be happy until they skank up every last vestige of our priceless innocence. Take for instance, the remake of Strawberry Shortcake, which, along with Rainbow Brite (the original Tank Girl) was a staple of every girl’s toy collection in the 1980s. 

(I myself had several Strawberry Shortcakes in various sizes, and they smelled like something fruity, not really strawberries, but awesome nonetheless.) 

American Greetings, Shortcake’s owner, deemed her “out of touch” with today’s “modern girl”  and revamped her, heavy on the "vamp." Strawberry Shortcake used to eat gumdrops, had a cat, some kickin’ hair, au naturale freckles, and had to cutest little ruffled britches EVER. 

In an attempt to instill neurosis in children regarding weight, materialism, and sexuality, Strawberry Shortcake now has flat-iorned hair, her freckles are covered up by a pound of makeup, she wears green contacts, and she got a nose job. Gone are the cute bloomers – those were replaced by camel-toe high-waisters. She doesn’t eat gumdrops anymore, she eats fruit and she has a cellphone. You know, to call up Blueberry Muffin and talk smack about Raspberry Tart. She’s also PINK. I don’t know what sort of strawberries they’re eating up there in American Greetings land, but strawberries are RED. Not HOT PINK. She looks like the Bratz Dolls gave her a makeover. Granted, the skank isn’t as … severe as that of the Bratz, but still. The difference is quite notable, don’t you think?

The only upgrade is that now she has actual hands with fingers; the original Strawberry Shortcake had only flesh mittens. (Or meat mittens, which would be an amazing metal band name.)

American Greetings ruined Strawberry Shortcake. She was kooky before, a Pipi Longstocking character who wasn’t afraid to literally let her seams show. Her cat, Custard, had a seam up its face, for crying out loud. Now she’s no different from the multitude of other shiny plastic, airbrushed faces staring from the toy store shelves like some plastic Children of the Corn collection.

Sad.