Speidi Determined to Make My Head Explode

*ring ring*

Kelly: Hello?
Satan: Kelly! It's Satan. Whaddup?
Kelly: Dude.
Satan: What?
Kelly: I told you to stop calling me.
Satan: Aw, hell. I know you don't mean that.
Kelly: Dude, seriously. I am out of gin. I can not--
Satan: Okay, okay. Listen. I'll make this quick. You'll LOVE this. Did you ever watch In Living Color or The Carol Burnett Show?

Kelly: Yes! Oh, I loved both of those shows! In Living Color was especially groundbreaking, being a huge success in the variety show genre, built on the strong but limited foundation laid by the likes of Sonny and Cher, and boasting a cast consisting mostly of people of color! It dealt with subject matter than many underrepresented people hadn't seen on TV before. Not to mention that it helped to launch the careers of many of its extremely talented cast members, including the Wayans siblings, Jim Carrey, Jennifer Lopez, Jamie Foxx, Rosie Perez. And all of the musical performances? Oh my god, they were amazing! Getting to see Public Enemy, Queen Latifah, and Leaders of the New School on the show was extremely exciting to a 12-year-old me!

Satan: Yeah. So, like, what if I made the polar opposite of that show? Like, made it the whitest thing ever and featured absolutely no talent or humor on it, but in an interesting twist made it last twice as long as In Living Color?

Kelly: You don't mean...

Satan: Oh, yes. Yes I do.

Kelly: You're going to make the networks give Heidi "Jazz Hands" Montag and Spencer "Penis Face" Pratt a variety show?!?!?!

Satan: Mwahahahahahaha

Kelly: You are a sick son of a bitch.

Comments

[Amber]

I don't want to live in a world with such horror in it. I can deal with Bush being president for these last seven and a half years and the fact that a whole wheat loaf of bread now costs almost $5 while my income is shrinking, and everything else terrible in the world. Even Madonna's half-tights.

But this? Seriously, I am about to stand outside with a golf club stuck up in the air and pray for lightning.

[missbanshee]

Amber, allow me to take that golf club away from you and use it to bash those two cretins into a fine paste.

[Suzy Q]

WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS. SHIT?!?

Are they trying to kill us all off in one fell swoop, like an algae bloom? Arrrrgh. HOW are these two popular? WHY does it seem like they're taking over the world?

Hold me. And give me a drink, please.

[BaltimoreGal]

I am feeling a lot of love for mah mamapop ladies right now. You have eloquently expressed the hatred and anger I was feeling.

[jamiegp]

(unlikely) Silver lining: the show is so consuming that they don't have time to do any other cultural damage and can be avoided simply by not watching.

(random) Whenever I see a few seconds of that Heidi "music video" I want dolphin sounds to come out when she opens her mouth. If you haz the video skillz, you could make it happen.

[sweetney]

OH MY GOD NO.

(shatner voice:) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!