Did Billy Ray Cyrus Make A Pact With The Devil?

The other night my husband and I were watching the VH-1 special "100 Greatest Songs on the 90s," and "Achy Breaky Heart" came on.

That is when it hit me. "Achy Breaky Heart" is a terrible song. Sure, it is catchy, but so is the "five dollar foot long" ad and you don't see Subway with its own tv show or pop-up hamper.

Also - Hannah Montana? HORRIBLE show.

So what is the deal with these Cyruses? (Cyrusses? Cyri?) How'd they get so much fame and power with so little talent?

Well, I'll tell you how. Obviously Bill Ray Cyrus sold his soul to the devil.

My husband and I strongly suspect this will end poorly. We foresee a Kennedyesque curse unfolding, one wherein the next generation of Cyri (I'm sticking with that one) will die horrible, untimely deaths.

Don't you roll your eyes at me! Think about it for a second. There is no other logical explanation as to why I can do a Google image search for "Hannah Montana bedding" and get 710 hits and see about thirty different styles.

One of the thirty. I think this style is called "Butterflies and Peace and Shit"

Oh come on! That crap is F-U-G-L-Y. It just plain makes NO SENSE.

And Miley Cyrus is worth ONE BILLION DOLLARS. ONE BILLION, with a B. She is fifteen years old and has more money than Jesus. Maybe even more than the Catholic Church. GASP.

Hear me now and believe me later, betches: if Miley's little sis Noah starts up a political mag, you run away no matter how rich and attractive she might be. Because there may, indeed, be actual hell to pay.

You heard it here first.